Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Scoop Satire: Job Bones Sues For Recognition

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop this week commenced publication of a satirical articles from the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express newspaper.

Job Bones Sues Woman For Failing To Recognise


New Zeal Incorporated property developer and author Job Bones today filed a lawsuit against an Auckland parking warden for failing to recognise him after he parked on top of an environmentalist in Queen Street.

"Bloody woman" remarked Bones, "Female woman she was and all. Samo to boot. I'd have clocked her one except she'd probably have got pregnant. They're like that, women. And Samos."

In a statement provided to police and the media, Bones claimed that the warden, Ms Lee Faasao, 31, had shown absolutely no idea of who he was, what his car was worth, or his raffish sense of mischief.

"All she was worried about was that bloody beardy-weirdy greeny trapped under the back tyre" he said. The man, Mr Gerald Tree, 43, of Mt Eden, is currently in a critical condition. It is not yet known how he feels about being parked on by Bones.

"Pretty bloody chuffed I should imagine" said Bones. "It's probably the closest he's come to success in his entire. You've got to laugh though, so I'm sending off e-mails to various colleagues in commerce all over the world. I've got $500 bets on whether he lives or not, and another $250 on whether they have to shave his beard off for the operation."

"But I'm still bloody annoyed about that female woman. It's half the problem with this country. Seriously, what's the point of being richer than Croesus if you can't park on top of a greeny in Queen Street when you want to and then tell the parking bloody warden to bugger off of they haven't buggered off already?"

Bones is no stranger to controversy. Considered by some New Zeal Inc's only remaining Renaissance Man, a bon vivant of culture, wit, and learning, and by others as a gangling, arrogant arsehole, full of barely containable contempt for the bulk of society, and by others still as a merely mediocre novelist, Bones is confident of winning his pending lawsuit.

"Well it's a pretty bloody straightforward case. She started badgering me, like women do, and I at first restrained myself, thinking that she'd soon enough recognise me. When it seemed that she didn't I turned side-on, thinking that the profile might jog her memory. But it was astounding. She literally had no bloody idea of who I was!"

No one is particularly interested in what Ms Faasao has to say on the matter.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Ian Powell: Rescuing Simpson From Simpson

(Originally published at The Democracy Project ) Will the health reforms proposed for the Labour Government make the system better or worse? Health commentator Ian Powell (formerly the Executive Director of the Association of Salaried Medical ... More>>

Missions To Mars: Mapping, Probing And Plundering The Red Planet

In the first month of 2020, Forbes was all excitement about fresh opportunities for plunder and conquest. Titled “2020: The Year We Will Conquer Mars”, the contribution by astrophysicist Paul M. Sutter was less interested in the physics than the conquest. ... More>>

Richard S. Ehrlich: Coup Leader Grabs Absolute Power At Dawn

BANGKOK, Thailand -- By seizing power, Myanmar's new coup leader Commander-in-Chief Senior General Min Aung Hlaing has protected his murky financial investments and the military's domination, but some of his incoming international ... More>>

Jennifer S. Hunt: Trump Evades Conviction Again As Republicans Opt For Self-Preservation

By Jennifer S. Hunt Lecturer in Security Studies, Australian National University Twice-impeached former US President Donald Trump has evaded conviction once more. On the fourth day of the impeachment trial, the Senate verdict is in . Voting guilty: ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Let The Investigation Begin: The International Criminal Court, Israel And The Palestinian Territories

International tribunals tend to be praised, in principle, by those they avoid investigating. Once interest shifts to those parties, such bodies become the subject of accusations: bias, politicisation, crude arbitrariness. The United States, whose legal and political ... More>>

The Conversation: How To Cut Emissions From Transport: Ban Fossil Fuel Cars, Electrify Transport And Get People Walking And Cycling

By Robert McLachlan Professor in Applied Mathematics, Massey University The Climate Change Commission’s draft advice on how to decarbonise New Zealand’s economy is refreshing, particularly as it calls on the government to start phasing out fossil ... More>>

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
  • PublicAddress
  • Pundit
  • Kiwiblog