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Bush Investigates The Mysterious White House Leak

President Bush investigates the case of the Mysterious White House Leak


Bush:'I always wanted to be a private dick.'
Satire from… freepressed.com


Bush cabinet members agree that the president looks ridiculous in his detective costume, but they play along anyway.

White House--Donning a battered fedora and a worn raincoat, President Bush announced that he has decided to investigate the ‘mysterious’ White House leak, which led to the outing of undercover CIA agent Valeria Plame.

“I always wanted to be a private dick and I would have been if daddy had let me,” Bush said to a puzzled press corps.

President Bush said that he decided to hold his own investigation when he was re-reading “The Mystery of the Missing Chums,” one of his favorite Hardy Boy stories.

“Boy, that Chet sure cracks me up. Anyhow, I started thinkin’ bout how John told me he’d look into the matter but that we was still friends and I thought I’d give it a shot.”

The Justice Department launched an investigation into the White House because someone intentionally leaked the name of CIA operative Valeria Plame after her husband, former ambassador Joseph Wilson, criticized the Bush administration about Iraq/Niger enriched Uranium claims.

Bush said that he has always been a mystery fan. His favorites include the Hardy Boys Series, The Three Investigators and Scooby Doo.

The next day when White House staffers showed up for work, they found a cardboard sign tapped to the door of the oval office, which read “George Bush Detective Agency, Mysteries Solved 25 cents.”


President Bush especially likes the comic relief of the Hardy Boys character Chet.

“It’s ridiculous but you have to play along because he’s president,” said one White House aide.

His mystery-solvin’ kit is comprised of a giant magnifying glass, a fake beard, x-ray specs, a Commander Cody code crackin’ book and a plastic compass.

“I got that out of a box of Sugar Bears,” he said.

He started his investigation by putting on the X-ray specs and beard and sneaking out of the Oval Office to Dick Cheney’s office.

“I thought Big Time might have known somethin’ but he was on the bull horn with his old buddy from Halliburton and was talkin’ business.”

President Bush spent the better part of another hour, slinkin’ around the White House, listening in on people’s conversations and trying to find a clue.

“Whew. This is hard work,” Bush said, when he stopped for Kool-aid and Oreos during a snack break.

Later in the afternoon, a hunched figure wearing an overcoat and scarf around their neck ran down the hallway away from him.

“I tried to chase him but he was too fast,” Bush said.

The figure was none other than Colin Powell.

“He just gets these hair-brained schemes in his head and you kind of feel sorry for him,” Powell said.

Then Bush took a flashlight and went to the White House basement. He made it down the first three steps before getting scared and running back up.

After hours of fruitless searching, Bush went back to his office and put his head down on his desk.


President Bush always insists on being Colonel Mustard when playing the popular board game, Clue.

“I’m the worst detective ever,” he sobbed.

His wife, Laura, entered the oval office right at that moment with a golden glow around her and a bluebird on her shoulder.

“I’m America’s mother, George, and your chaste wife. What’s wrong, darling?”

“I can’t find no clues,” He said. “I ain’t ever gonna be a real detective like ol' Inch-High Private Eye.”

“Maybe you should try a new approach,” she said.

“Like what?”

“Ask your staff members if they were the person who committed the leak. You are the president after all,” she said.

“Hmmmn. That ain’t a half bad idea,” Bush said, scratching his chin.

That evening, after he had asked everyone in the office if they were the leaker, he went down to Karl Rove’s office.

“Hey, you weren’t the person who leaked that CIA agent’s name?”

Rove smiled and pulled a board game from under his desk.

“I heard that you had been asking about that. Wouldn’t you just rather play a game of Clue?” he said.

“Boy yeah, but only if I get to be Colonel Mustard,” Bush said, rubbing his hands together.

**********

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