Wolfowitz Says Attack Proves Iraqis Want Freedom
Wolfowitz Says Attack On Al-Rasheed Hotel Proves Iraqis Want Freedom
Deputy Secretary of Defense says US won't be deterred by attack, but that he's getting the f*** out of Baghdad.
Satire from… http:// freepressed.com/
CAPTION: Paul Wolfowitz came out of his catatonic state of shock long enough to pledge other people's lives to his cause.
Baghdad-- A visibly shaken Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz regained his composure after a Sunday morning rocket attack on his Baghdad hotel to spin the assault as yet another victory for coalition forces.
"This attack is a clear message from the Iraqi people that they are ready to take responsibility for their future," he said. "What a breakthrough for democracy in the Middle East!"
He explained that the fact that the Iraqi people are resisting a foreign invader and occupier shows unity and feelings of nationalism are present in the war torn nation, key ingredients in the establishment of a new government.
"Unfortunately, we are the invader and occupier they are trying to defeat," he said. "Still, this is a hopeful sign of progress we hope does not get a lot of media attention."
Wolfowitz, a neoconservative hawk and one of the masterminds behind the preemptive invasion of Iraq, was staying at the Al-Rasheed hotel during his visit. The heavily guarded Al-Rasheed housed civilian officials of the U.S.-led Coalition Provisional Authority and U.S. military personnel, and is the center of American power in Iraq.
CAPTION: Blast marks dotted the hotel after the rocket attack.
Wolfowitz was in Iraq as part of an effort to demonstrate how swimmingly the occupation is going when rockets slammed into the building.
The hotel came under rocket attack early Sunday morning from a homemade rocket launcher set on a timer. A US Army colonel was killed in the attack and 17 people were wounded.
Wolfowitz was rushed out of the hotel blubbering like a baby, witnesses said. Officials in adjoining rooms to the deputy defense secretary said when the first explosion rocked the building they heard a high pitched squeal from his room followed by sobbing.
"When we entered his room to see if he was allright, we found him cowering underneath a table sucking on his thumb," one unidentified coalition official explained. "We asked him if he had been wounded but all he could say was 'I want my mommy' over and over again. Wasn't this whole war his idea? What a hypocritical wuss."
CAPTION: Coalition Authority head Paul Bremer said he's glad he wasn't around when the rockets were flying.
Wolfowitz said, while a setback, this attack on the core of US military operations in Iraq would not deter our soldiers from their mission. However, he did note that from now on his involvement in the war would be limited to stateside activities that would not expose him to getting blown up.
"I'll let the grunts handle the combat duty from now on," he said, referring to the brave American husbands, wives, sons and daughters putting their lives on the line for his lust for world domination.
"People like me aren't supposed to get shot at. I'm not expendable like the unlucky saps on the frontline. I'm an intellectual. I do my fighting with my pen."
Members of Congress visiting Iraq typically stay overnight in Kuwait because of security concerns, a practice expected to be adopted by the Pentagon.
Contact firstname.lastname@example.org to receive the weekly email edition of FreePressed.