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Satire: Suggested Excuses For The Use Of Dr Donald Brash

Satire: Suggested Excuses for the use of Dr Donald Brash in this Evening's Televised Leaders Debate


Provided free of charge by Mr Lyndon Hood

1. This is a distraction from the real issue of the election, which is tax relief for all mainstream New Zealanders. And for alarming, non-mainstream religious groups.

2. When I said I did not know who was "doing the nasty pamphlets" that was entirely true. I had not read them. How was I to know which anonymous National-supporting smear campaign Mr Holmes was talking about?

3. After the whole motorcade thing, I had assumed that it was obligatory for any potential leader of New Zealand to tell at least one strange and pointless lie.

4. Ah, but my memory is notoriously fallible. Like that Ronald Reagan - he was a good leader. I just didn't remember that I had been told until that young radio lady asked me. Like how I don't remember if I said that "gone by lunchtime" thing. Not that I'm admitting that I did say that. Oh no.

5. Well, it's like in those Taxathon ads: I am a puppet. I've gotten so much into the swing saying what my campaign advisors tell me to that I don't even think about what the words mean anymore. Now, the act of lying requires the formation of a deliberate intention to deceive. So, you see, I didn't lie at all.

6. I got an email from Brian Sinclair that said lying for four days would make me look soft, wet and attractive.

7. Our position on this issue has been entirely consistent with the rest of our platform. Throughout this campaign we have been striving to give the impression of being a party whose MPs don't actually talk to each other and whose policy delivery is a shambles. Gerry Brownlee has been telling anyone who will listen that National knew nothing about these pamphlets, when in fact I was told about them in advance of their release. That is exactly the National Party we have been presenting to the New Zealand public.

8. Did I mention the motorcade thing aready?

9. I've said repeatedly that the National Party did not commission or fund these pamphlets, and I'm sick and tired of people suggesting otherwise. No, no, don't give me any of this "that wasn't the question" nonsense. We did not fund the pamphlets.

10. I think the point that we're missing here is that I didn't know anything else about the pamphlets.

11. I did not have fiscal relations with that religious group.


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