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Investigate To Claim Clark/Brash Affair

Investigate To Claim Clark/Brash Affair

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Magazine Upcoming Cover

In an upcoming issue of Investigate magazine, editor Ian Wishart is expected to present the result of his probe into the alleged relationship between Prime Minister Helen Clark and Don Brash.

With a cover announcing "The Smoking Whatever-It-Is-Wishart-Is-Smoking Issue" and "Phwoar! Helen and Don Pics!! What They Don't Want You To See!!!", the relevant content will consist entirely of a "candid photo" of Helen and Don in the same room (Parliament) with an editorial note urging anyone with more information to contact the magazine.

Wishart is expected to defend his campaign to unveil the implied affair, despite his having found no evidence of it in months of dogged investigation. "Notice that Clark and Brash are never seen together in public?" he will say, "What are they trying to hide?'

Mr Wishart will have investigated the rumours in order to do the most possible damage to Helen Clark's reputation, while enhancing Don Brash's image as a playboy man-about-town.

An as-yet-unnamed Sunday newspaper will catapult the vague innuendoes into the public eye by turning them into full-fledged allegations and extracting juicy denials.

"All sorts of nasty personal rumours fly around Parliament all the time," the editor will tell Radio New Zealand, "and we don't normally report them. Like that thing with... um... er... never mind. But if someone else is breaking the story anyway, that's scurrilous. The people of New Zealand need to know in great detail exactly how scurrilous that is. Plus, then we get to print all the juicy gossip. In this instance Investigate is filling the function of something like The Sun or The Independent Financial Review. Besides, let's face it, there is a potential conflict of interest, what with Brash having been Governor of the Reserve Bank right up until 2002."

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Accusations will fly in all directions concerning the political backing of the story's release, with National approximately one day quicker off the mark in blaming Labour, thus gaining the upper hand in the spin war.

Most notably, Matthew Hooten, official commentator of the grand right-wing conspiracy, will claim the allegations are a transparent Labour plot to make it look like National is engaging in a smear campaign. This claim will be the most widely accepted in the comments section of David Farrar's weblog.

Helen Clark will refuse to comment on the issue, saying that Don Brash's personal life should remain private.

There will be many calls for de-escalation, in order to preserve the reputation of Parliament, to see that people are still prepared to run for office, to make the potential for blackmail less threatening and, in the words of one MP, "because of all that stuff I did".

Although damaging to politics in general, it will remain to be seen whether these reports harm the future of the politicians in question.

Asked in a snap txt poll for their reaction to the idea of intimate relations between Helen Clark and Don Brash, 46% the public will request that we not go there, 39% will say "Aaargh" and 15% will requested bleach for their brain.


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