Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Lyndon Hood: Leaked Brash Email Of The Day

Leaked Brash Email Of The Day

Satire by Lyndon Hood

computer
breakin

[The following email was illegally extracted from Don Brash's computer this morning, because that's what all the cool kids seem to be doing.]

From: richard.long@grandrightwingconspiracy.org
To: donald.brash@grandrightwingconspiracy.org
Subject: Your resignation

CC: bryan.sinclair@grandrightwingconspiracy.org, ruth.richardson@grandrightwingconspiracy.org
BCC: nicky.hager@enjoinme.net, editor@scoop.co.nz


Congratulations! You've reached what is probably the most pivotal stage of any political career - the place you've been working towards practically since you entered Parliament.

You're going to resign the leadership, effective Monday. The press conference is at one.

They were only going to keep you around to carry the can for this Hager business, so really, you're going yourself a favour. Yay!

Come on - you too: Yay!

Good. Think of kiwifruit.

Now to the advice.

First thing: claim that your resignation has nothing at all to do with the publication of that book. You don't want people to think you're resigning because you've been accused of lying, so pretend you meant to step down all along.

After all, you did say you'd quit if you lost the election, and you kind of did lose. So really, the last year or so of your leadership could be viewed as a hilarious misunderstanding. Blame Helen Clark.

Don't worry. You're getting much more convincing than you were in 2005. There's no reason to start admitting things just when you're getting the hang of it. Nobody will suspect a thing. People resign on a Thursday lunchtime after only telling their colleagues that morning all the time.

Which reminds me, this is one of those things you should tell the 'leadership team' about.

If anyone asks you about the Exclusive Brethren, try grumpiness or irritability. And remember you can prove last week's 'never had an email from the Exclusive Brethren' claim by telling everyone about that email Jason showed you the in August.

We'll have a method to allow that book to be published without lifting the injunction ready by then too, but I haven't thought of anything improbable enough yet. I'll leave you a note on the lectern.

Goodbye forever,
RL

--

Check out my RightWingConspiracySpace page!
http://www.rightwingconspiracyspace.com/spinyoulongtime

*******

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Keith Rankin: Narrow Vision: Subsidised Cars And Street Immunity
Problems make the world go round. Many of us – maybe the majority of workers, and certainly the majority of well-paid workers – earn our living addressing problems. A problem-free world would represent a major crisis for modern social-capitalism. (Yet standard economic theory continues to present the productive economy as a mechanism for 'satisfying wants', as distinct from 'addressing problems... More>>


Biden In Tokyo: Killing Strategic Ambiguity
Could it have been just another case of bumbling poor judgment, the mind softened as the mouth opened? A question was put to US President Joe Biden, visiting Tokyo and standing beside Japan’s Prime Minister Fumio Kishida: “You didn’t want to get involved in the Ukraine conflict militarily for obvious reasons. Are you willing to get involved militarily to defend Taiwan if it comes to that?” The answer: “Yes. That’s a commitment we made.”.. More>>

Dunne Speaks: Robertson's Budget Gamble On Treasury
The popular test of the success or failure of Grant Robertson’s fifth Budget will be its impact on the soaring cost of living. In today’s climate little else matters. Because governments come and governments go – about every six to seven years on average since 1945 – getting too focused on their long-term fiscal aspirations is often pointless... More>>


Digitl: Infrastructure Commission wants digital strategy
Earlier this month Te Waihanga, New Zealand’s infrastructure commission, tabled its first Infrastructure Strategy: Rautaki Hanganga o Aotearoa. Te Waihanga describes its document as a road map for a thriving New Zealand... More>>


Binoy Kampmark: Leaking For Roe V Wade
The US Supreme Court Chief Justice was furious. For the first time in history, the raw judicial process of one of the most powerful, and opaque arms of government, had been exposed via media – at least in preliminary form. It resembled, in no negligible way, the publication by WikiLeaks of various drafts of the Trans-Pacific Partnership... More>>




The Conversation: Cheaper food comes with other costs – why cutting GST isn't the answer

As New Zealand considers the removal of the goods and services tax (GST) from food to reduce costs for low income households, advocates need to consider the impact cheap food has on the environment and whether there are better options to help struggling families... More>>