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Scoop Satire: Internet Clippings

Internet Clippings

Satire by Lyndon Hood

New internet petition at www.PetitionOnline.com:

To: Commodore Josaia Voreqe Bainimarama OstJ, Commander of the Armed Forces, Fiji

We, the undersigned, being gravely concerned that the New Zealand House of Representatives has retrospectively legalised previous illegal election spending and thus usurped the Constitution of New Zealand and its democratic processes, earnestly petition you, as someone who really understands how to eliminate unconstitutional laws and fight corruption, that you return to New Zealand and "clean up" aforesaid legislation and corruption, as an assertation that Members of Parliament govern subject to the will of the people of New Zealand at your pleasure and not at their own.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

*******

From novelusesofthewordconstructive.com:

29 Nov 2006- (Wellington, New Zealand) NZ Foreign Minister Describes Fiji Coup Talks As 'Constructive'.

30 Nov 2006 - (Wellington, New Zealand) Don Brash Describes Talks With John Key As 'Constructive', Resigns From Parliament.

*******

From mpsforkeepit18.blogspot.com:

Back From 3 Week Bender

Sorry we haven't updated this in while but we've been, um... busy.

Actually, there seems to be a few people wandering around Parliament who are all like, 'Man, what did we legislate in the last three weeks?'

I'm not quite sure what happened. We opened up a few bevvys to celebrate successfully helping keep the drinking age at eighteen, then suddenly it's like December.

You know how some things seem hilarious at the time, but afterwards... well, apparently almost the first thing Trevor did was make up two options for the World Cup final stadium and try to make the Auckland councils decide.

And then there's Don and the gagging order - I don't know how he can show his face. Perhaps he's suffering from a memory lapse.

I don't think I want to know what the rest of us got up to.

So, anyway. A victory for youth rights, and a chance to focus on the real issues, like availability and the kiwi drinking culture.

Hooray for us. Now does anyone have 72 packets of aspirin?

*******

New internet petition at www.PetitionOnline.com:

To: The Democracy Movement of Tonga

We, the undersigned, being gravely concerned that the New Zealand House of Representatives has retrospectively legalised previous illegal election spending and thus usurped the Constitution of New Zealand and its democratic processes, earnestly petition you, as a bunch of people who show a really active belief in democracy, that pop round to Wellington and set fire to some stuff as an assertation that Members of Parliament govern subject to the will of the people of New Zealand and not at their own.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned

*******

From traveladvisoriesforwarcriminals.net:

ALERT - CHANGE IN STATUS (1 Dec) - New Zealand's Attorney-General has issued a stay of proceedings in the face of a warrant for the arrest of Moshe Ya’alon on suspicion of war crimes.

New Zealand is now rated SAFE FOR GEORGE W BUSH TO VISIT.

********

New screenplay at ratemyscreenplay.com:

FADE UP

EXT. - STREET - DAY

The Christchurch suburb of Brunside, present day. A row of state houses. A couple of BENEFICIARY CHILDREN play in the gutter with a piece of newspaper, which has presumably blown there from nearby Ilam or Fendalton. They look up in dumbstruck awe as a large Mercedes drives down the empty street and comes to a stop near them.

A man steps out of the car. He is in his mid-40s, carefully groomed and wears a dark suit. It is JOHN KEY.

He sees the children, who continue to look up in silent awe. He does not kick them.

He pauses and looks towards a particular state house. Close up. His jaw clenches and his eyes narrow as he thinks masculine thoughts regarding paths not taken and the forces that have shaped his life. His lip does not quiver.

Breaking away, he moves to a nearby tenement building and looks thoughtfully at the brickwork. He kneels down and removes a particular brick. There, concealed in a dry space in the wall, is a 70s-era pocket calculator.

He takes it and turns it on. It still runs. His eyes shine with quiet joy. He enters "07734", so that when the screen is turned upside-down, it says, "hELLO". He turns it off, and replaces it carefully in its hiding place.

With a renewed sense of purpose, he briskly stands and returns to his car.

As he drives off - to who knows what - we see the state house briefly reflected in the rear view mirror.

*******

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