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What Has David Bain Done to Anger Helen Clark?

What Has David Bain Done to Anger Helen Clark?

Satire by Lyndon Hood


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The decision to retry David Bain may no doubt clarify his guilt or innocence of whatever it was he's charged with. But another, more immediate question will not be answered.

As dinner-party tables and blog fora around the country know, after almost a tenth of a century as Prime Minister Helen Clark has extendend her figurative tentacles into every facet of the state. Recent events suggest control of even supposedly independent agencies like the Ombudsman or the Auditor-General.

Most glaringly, it is an established fact that no Labour supporter has been charged with any crime since the 15 of April 2003. We cannot forget that Taito Phillip Field was only charged after being cut loose from the party, while Ms Clark herself managed to avoid being charged for forgery, despite admitting committing her signature to an art work that was not her own - and despite the fact that she made no profit from the action whatsoever (we can only assume she did it in simply enjoyment of criminality).

Conversely, opponents of the Government are reluctant even to collaborate in 'third-party' election campaigning or to illegally destroy mangroves for fear of being prosecuted. Prominent independent critics of the Government, such as David Farrar and Ian Wishart, have been forced into hiding.

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Now, with the Crown Law knee-deep in the decision to prosecute David Bain, the logic is inescapable.

There's just one thing the public of New Zealand must know: what did Bain do to make Helen Clark so mad?

It can't have helped that coverage of David Cullen Bain's release (and why has his middle name been kept so quiet by the media?) distracted media attention from police-sex-scandal damage control efforts and from the Budget. Standing in the Prime Minister's limelight is known to be as fatal as looking directly into her petrifying gaze.

Yet despite being constantly in the media, Mr Bain himself has said very little. Does he know something he's not telling us?

Of course we can't discount the possibility that there might be some less sinister explanation for all this. Bain's name may have got onto Clark's hit list due to a transcription error - perhaps someone was typing at the same time as listening to the news.

But, whether in consequence of his actions or no, Bain is to once again stand trial. And it will be for the jury to determine whether he has annoyed Helen Clark enough to go to jail.

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