Lyndon Hood: Youth Parliament Broken Up by Police
Youth Parliament Broken Up by PoliceSatire by Lyndon Hood
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Police were dispatched today to disperse a large gathering at a Molesworth Street address. The mob of between 119 and 500 youths had formed repeatedly over consecutive days before police finally intervened.
Many of the youths were allegedly engaged in debating, politics and underage voting, lending strength to recent calls to reign in this entrenched youth culture. Interviews with participants suggest the event was arranged by a network of text messages, emails, phone calls and surface mail. It combined up to eight different parties, with many participants believed to be youth prospects for established political gangs.
Despite initial calm, tensions between these historically antagonistic groups soon began to flare. Police were called early this afternoon after widespread disorderly behaviour, such as continuing to talk while the Speaker of the House is standing or swearing.
One neighbour was also concerned that inadequately supervised youths could be "having babies and committing suicide". "You knows kids these days," she said, "with their too-sexy cars and souped-up outfits. And those party pills! Why don't they take P like grown-ups?"
Initial attempts to disperse the gathering in an orderly fashion failed, with many participants unable to leave their seats due to epidemic obesity. Police were also hampered by their own uncertainty whether any physical force they used would be 'for the purposes of correction'.
Eventually tear gas and tasers were deployed and several particpants were charged with disorderly behaviour and resisting arrest. Normally the sentence for such crimes would be a maximum of three months, but the youths face up to three months and three weeks, as their time is worth only four fifths that of an adult.
Causes of the un-adult behaviour remain unclear, although police have speculated that at some of the youths may once have played video games. NZ First Youth Affairs Spokesperson Ron Mark explained that it was due to namby-pamby political correctness gone mad and reiterated his call for youth to be banned.
The residents of the property have not been evicted as of press time.