Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Lyndon Hood: Travel Ideas For MPs

Travel Ideas For MPs

Satire by Lyndon Hood


Click to enlarge

With just a few days of Parliament left, MPs will – if they’re anything like me – be thinking about planning their summer break.

Ah, the traditional MP’s Christmas: the enforced seizure and redistribution of presents, the community-controlled opening of new liquor bottles, the crabby aunts trying to exaggerate your liabilities, the endless round of coup-plotting barbecues, and the chance to spend some time getting away from it all.

Always keen to help, Scoop provides a few holiday suggestions below.

And remember: The Minister is happy to take credit for the holiday New Zealanders will have, but the going back to work afterwards is due to market factors beyond her control.

***


Once the diplomatic traffic clears out, Copenhagen promises a magical Christmas, as the glittering fragments of shattered hopes and broken dreams swirl prettily in the moonlight.


Or try anywhere else Obama goes.


Pop over to Darwin and make a point of remarking how warm it is, thus annoying creationists and climate change deniers at the same time.


Pay a visit to Alaejos, Spain, which according to Scoop’s calculations is the global antipode of Wellington. So it is – in an interesting coincidence – both the place you go when sent as far away from the Beehive as possible, and also where you end up if you find yourself in a hole and keep digging. Handy for Paris.


Bridge the trans-Tasman gap and take a trip to Sydney. Now, frankly, if you want to reach Australia by 2010, you'll have to make some hard choices. Your current business-as-usual method of walking will never get you there. You must therefore embrace my plan of building big cardboard wings for your car and driving it off Cape Reinga as fast as you can.


Wander around our pristine wilderness, asking tourists what they think, then saying things like “That’s all very well, but think of the untapped mineral wealth!”


Put your travel perk to good use: Research! Go check out The Swedish Model. If your spouse is likely to become suspicious, consider meeting the Swedish Model in Thailand or something.


You might end up in a tropical paradise, drinking cocktails in the sun and getting back rubs from our trained staff. You’re pretty relaxed about that possibility.


Whanganui.


Go see some glaciers, before they melt. Stupid glaciers! Don’t they know they’re being played?


Take a trip to that country most beloved of politicians, Monomania.


Wherever you’re off to this summer, if you’re, for example, the Minister of Education, perhaps you might consider never coming back.


Suppose you normally go to Turangi. Well what you do is, have an advisory board suggest you go to Greenland. That way, when you decide to go to Hawaii, everyone will think you are a model of restraint.


Government MPs always want to go there, much as they might call for sanctions while in opposition: Cross the border to Nanny State!


Take a fact-finding tour of Zimbabwe, Nazi Germany and Stalinist Russia. That way, next time you’re reaching for a comparison about having to use decent lightbulbs, you might keep things in perspective.

********
***

Got feedback? Leave a Comment on Lyndon's blog

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Reese Erlich: Foreign Correspondent: Trump Plays Both Sides Against The Middle

Is he a hawk? Is he a peacenik? The President keeps us guessing . By Reese Erlich President Donald Trump has convinced Republican isolationists and hawks that he supports their views. That’s a neat trick, since the two groups hold opposing positions. ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Waiting For The Old Bailey: Julian Assange And Britain’s Judicial Establishment

On September 7, Julian Assange will be facing another round of gruelling extradition proceedings, in the Old Bailey, part of a process that has become a form of gradual state-sanctioned torture. The US Department of Justice hungers for their man. The More>>



Gordon Campbell: On The Sorry Plight Of The International Education Sector

Tourism and international education have been two of the sectors hardest hit by the pandemic. They’re both key export industries. Yet the government response to them has been strikingly different. There has been nothing beyond a few words of ministerial condolence and a $51.6 million package (details below) to get the sector through the pandemic...
More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Google’s Open Letter: Fighting Australia’s News Media Bargaining Code

Tech giants tend to cast thin veils over threats regarding government regulations. They are also particularly concerned by those more public spirited ones, the sort supposedly made for the broader interest. Google has given us an example of this ... More>>


Gordon Campbell: On Trump’s Current Chances Of Re-Election

By now it seems clear that National have no fresh ideas to offer for how New Zealand could avoid the Covid-19 economic crisis. As in the past, National has set an arbitrary 30% ratio of government debt to GDP that it aims to achieve “in a decade or so,” ... More>>

The Conversation: Rogue Poll Or Not, All The Signs Point To A Tectonic Shift In New Zealand Politics

Richard Shaw AAP(various)/NZ Greens (CC-BY-SA)/The Conversation Strong team. More jobs. Better economy. So say the National Party’s campaign hoardings. Only thing is, last Sunday’s Newshub-Reid Research poll – which had support for the Labour ... More>>

The Coronavirus Republic: Three Million Infections And Rising

The United States is famed for doing things, not to scale, but off it. Size is the be-all and end-all, and the coronavirus is now doing its bit to assure that the country remains unrivalled in the charts of infection . In time, other unfortunates may well ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Altars Of Hypocrisy: George Floyd, Protest And Black Face

Be wary what you protest about. The modern moral constabulary are out, and they are assisted by their Silicon Valley friends in the Social Media club. Should you dare take a stand on anything, especially in a dramatic way, you will be found out ... More>>