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The New Write - 21st December 2001

THE NEW WRITE

Official Newsletter of the New Zealand Young Nationals

21st December 2001

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
-Benjamin Franklin


1. NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
2. ANDERTON REVEALS NEW BANK
3. GOVERNMENT BUNGLE BANS ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC
4. ALLIANCE STAFF BUSTED
5. TOP TEN PLEDGES HELEN CLARK WON'T BE MAKING NEXT YEAR
6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

1. NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

This is the last edition for the year - I'll probably start again in February next year.

Thanks to everyone for feedback and contributions this year, it is always nice to know people are paying attention. I even appreciate the abusive emails. Just remember though, if you are so offended by The New Write, there is a simple solution: don't read it. No-one is forcing you to.
Have a great holiday and make sure you have a break from politics.

Cheers Phil

2. Anderton Reveals New Bank

From www.thekumara.com

Deputy Prime-Minister Jim Anderton revealed the Alliance's answer to low New Zealand population levels last night: a new state-funded Sperm Bank, to be known as "MyWank".

"Jenny Shipley may have alerted us to the problem of low reproduction levels in New Zealand, but the Alliance has single-handedly delivered the answer," said Jim Anderton proudly. 'MyWank' will repopulate this country and thus increase economic development every time donors come into their local PostShop to tickle the old Elmo."

The Alliance guarantee low set-up costs of the new enterprise: existing Post Office booths will be converted into new 'donation booths', and donors who forget to bring along their own pottle will have to pay for a Post Office "Handy-Bag".
"Donors will be provided with fashion spreads from our very own Ms Brunei and fashion supermodel, Helen Clark, to help them... ahem squeeze the cream from their brandy-snaps," explained Mr Anderton.

However, ACT were less than complimentary concerning the Government's new initiative. "I have in my possession leaked Treasury Reports showing that this hair-brained scheme will lead to messy problems all over New Zealand," stated Rodney Hide. "The Government's going to lose money hand over fist."

Customers managing to round up their tadpoles five times will also benefit from the 50 Fly Buys points on offer from MyWank for the effort. "More than enough incentive to oil the old pogo stick," said MyWank chairman, Jim Bolger.

3. GOVERNMENT BUNGLE BANS ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC

The Government last night accidentally banned alcohol from all public places in New Zealand.

The Bill before Parliament was intended to give local bodies the power to ban alcohol from certain designated areas. However a mix-up in wording means it now applies to all public places, even people walking out of bottle stores.
National MP Belinda Vernon spotted the mistake in Parliament last night, just as the Bill was about to be passed. However the Greens and ACT refused to support a correction, and the Government decided to pass the law anyway.
Finance Minister Michael Cullen said he hoped police would use their discretion.
National Leader Bill English said the cockup was a result of trying to cram things through under urgency. "It will now be illegal to keep your six-pack in the boot of your car."

"We always said this Government was backward looking, but we didn't mean to 1922."


4. ALLIANCE STAFF BUSTED

Six Alliance staff have lost their Parliamentary jobs after it was found they were using taxpayer money to carry out Alliance party work.

An inquiry by Parliamentary Services found that money was used to produce a newsletter for Alliance members, and resources were even used on Matt McCarten's Mayoralty campaign in Auckland.

Jim Anderton criticised the previous Government for employing too many staff. However since taking office he has greatly increased the number of ministerial staff, and it has long been rumoured that taxpayer money was being used to run the Alliance Party from his office.

ACT Leader Richard Prebble said the Alliance was guilty of "systematic abuse" of thousands of dollars of taxpayer money and a full fraud investigation was required.


5. TOP TEN THINGS MPS WILL BE DOING DURING THE HOLIDAYS

1. Michael Cullen to script another year's worth of "spontaneous quips".

2. The Greens caucus will decide once and for all what hairdo Sue Bradford is going to have.
3. ACT MPs will be writing yet another book to fill our letterboxes during next year's campaign.
4. Bill English will be busy photocopying Labour's 1999 manifesto on National's letterhead.
5. Judith Tizard will be having a complete change of pace and actually do some work.
6. Tariana Turia will be selecting the next constitutional foundation of New Zealand she wishes to flout.
7. Rodney Hide and Simon Power to send Susan Bathgate a Christmas Card saying "Look forward to seeing you first thing next year."
8. Winston Peters will be reflecting on how ironic it was that HE writes a bill that technically makes the transportation of alcohol illegal.
9. Helen Clark will go tramping in search of rare species: the takahe and anyone who believes the Alliance rift has been healed.
10. Heather Simpson will be trying find out who the heck writes St Molesworth.

Courtesy of St Molesworth - www.geocities.com/stmolesworth


6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

www.hotornot.com

The original website where you can send in photos of yourself for people to vote on, and you can vote on other people, from a scale of 1 to 10. Sounds shallow and stupid, and it is, but strangely addictive.

FYI I rated 8.6

Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.

Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email newwrite@national.org.nz
Editor: Phil Rennie

1. NOTE FROM THE EDITOR

This is the last edition for the year - I'll probably start again in February next year.

Thanks to everyone for feedback and contributions this year, it is always nice to know people are paying attention. I even appreciate the abusive emails. Just remember though, if you are so offended by The New Write, there is a simple solution: don't read it. No-one is forcing you to.
Have a great holiday and make sure you have a break from politics.

Cheers Phil

2. Anderton Reveals New Bank

From www.thekumara.com

Deputy Prime-Minister Jim Anderton revealed the Alliance's answer to low New Zealand population levels last night: a new state-funded Sperm Bank, to be known as "MyWank".

"Jenny Shipley may have alerted us to the problem of low reproduction levels in New Zealand, but the Alliance has single-handedly delivered the answer," said Jim Anderton proudly. 'MyWank' will repopulate this country and thus increase economic development every time donors come into their local PostShop to tickle the old Elmo."

The Alliance guarantee low set-up costs of the new enterprise: existing Post Office booths will be converted into new 'donation booths', and donors who forget to bring along their own pottle will have to pay for a Post Office "Handy-Bag".
"Donors will be provided with fashion spreads from our very own Ms Brunei and fashion supermodel, Helen Clark, to help them... ahem squeeze the cream from their brandy-snaps," explained Mr Anderton.

However, ACT were less than complimentary concerning the Government's new initiative. "I have in my possession leaked Treasury Reports showing that this hair-brained scheme will lead to messy problems all over New Zealand," stated Rodney Hide. "The Government's going to lose money hand over fist."

Customers managing to round up their tadpoles five times will also benefit from the 50 Fly Buys points on offer from MyWank for the effort. "More than enough incentive to oil the old pogo stick," said MyWank chairman, Jim Bolger.

3. GOVERNMENT BUNGLE BANS ALCOHOL IN PUBLIC

The Government last night accidentally banned alcohol from all public places in New Zealand.

The Bill before Parliament was intended to give local bodies the power to ban alcohol from certain designated areas. However a mix-up in wording means it now applies to all public places, even people walking out of bottle stores.
National MP Belinda Vernon spotted the mistake in Parliament last night, just as the Bill was about to be passed. However the Greens and ACT refused to support a correction, and the Government decided to pass the law anyway.
Finance Minister Michael Cullen said he hoped police would use their discretion.
National Leader Bill English said the cockup was a result of trying to cram things through under urgency. "It will now be illegal to keep your six-pack in the boot of your car."

"We always said this Government was backward looking, but we didn't mean to 1922."


4. ALLIANCE STAFF BUSTED

Six Alliance staff have lost their Parliamentary jobs after it was found they were using taxpayer money to carry out Alliance party work.

An inquiry by Parliamentary Services found that money was used to produce a newsletter for Alliance members, and resources were even used on Matt McCarten's Mayoralty campaign in Auckland.

Jim Anderton criticised the previous Government for employing too many staff. However since taking office he has greatly increased the number of ministerial staff, and it has long been rumoured that taxpayer money was being used to run the Alliance Party from his office.

ACT Leader Richard Prebble said the Alliance was guilty of "systematic abuse" of thousands of dollars of taxpayer money and a full fraud investigation was required.


5. TOP TEN THINGS MPS WILL BE DOING DURING THE HOLIDAYS

1. Michael Cullen to script another year's worth of "spontaneous quips".

2. The Greens caucus will decide once and for all what hairdo Sue Bradford is going to have.
3. ACT MPs will be writing yet another book to fill our letterboxes during next year's campaign.
4. Bill English will be busy photocopying Labour's 1999 manifesto on National's letterhead.
5. Judith Tizard will be having a complete change of pace and actually do some work.
6. Tariana Turia will be selecting the next constitutional foundation of New Zealand she wishes to flout.
7. Rodney Hide and Simon Power to send Susan Bathgate a Christmas Card saying "Look forward to seeing you first thing next year."
8. Winston Peters will be reflecting on how ironic it was that HE writes a bill that technically makes the transportation of alcohol illegal.
9. Helen Clark will go tramping in search of rare species: the takahe and anyone who believes the Alliance rift has been healed.
10. Heather Simpson will be trying find out who the heck writes St Molesworth.

Courtesy of St Molesworth - www.geocities.com/stmolesworth


6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

www.hotornot.com

The original website where you can send in photos of yourself for people to vote on, and you can vote on other people, from a scale of 1 to 10. Sounds shallow and stupid, and it is, but strangely addictive.

FYI I rated 8.6

Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.

Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email newwrite@national.org.nz
Editor: Phil Rennie

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