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Cablegate: Saint Nick Likely to Again Violate U.S. Airspace

VZCZCXYZ0000
RR RUEHWEB

DE RUEHHE #0486 3571211
ZNR UUUUU ZZH
R 231211Z DEC 09
FM AMEMBASSY HELSINKI
TO SECSTATE WASHDC 5333

UNCLAS HELSINKI 000486

INFO ALL CONSULAR AND DIPLOMATIC POSTS

SIPDIS

E.O. 12958: N/A
TAGS: HUMOR
SUBJECT: SAINT NICK LIKELY TO AGAIN VIOLATE U.S. AIRSPACE

REF: STATE 000001

1. (U) Pol/Econoff traveled to Santa's Village on Wednesday,
December 16 to meet with Preeminent Ambassador to the World,
His Excellency Saint Nicholas, aka Kris Kringle, aka Santa
Claus regarding zero-emissions international travel, his
continued unauthorized incursions into U.S. airspace, the
high north issue and to glean some insight into who has been
naughty and who has been nice in 2009 -- also known as "The
List."

2. (U) Not surprisingly, St. Nick was reticient to discuss
at length his unique form of zero-emissions international
travel but did declare that external verification was not
acceptable. When Pol/Econoff pressed for insight into how
St. Nick's no-C02 fuel could be processed and industrialized
to help secure the energy security needs of the United
States, St. Nick mumbled something under his breath about
"no-bid contract" but then refused to clarify and referred
all future emissions questions to his Minister of
Communications.

3. (U) Pol/Econoff delivered the reftel remarks to St. Nick
regarding his continued unauthorized incursions into U.S.
airspace. St. Nick's first response was to tuck his thumbs
behind his belt and deliver a very loud, "Hohoho!" along with
a wink. When it became clear that St. Nick thought that
reftel remarks were a joke, Pol/Econoff re-stated the talking
points, driving home the main message that U.S. airspace is
sovereign and that we will view any further violations of
this airspace to be a hostile act. St. Nick tersely declared
that, "As a signatory to the Geneva Convention I have
worldwide diplomatic status as a courier but if NORAD feels
the need to harass me yet again then I welcome the challenge.
Rudolph and his team have been working hard on a new stealth
technology this year and we are confident that we will be
able to complete our mission objectives." At this point
Rudolph popped his head into St. Nick's office and threw a "V
for Victory" sign at Pol/Econoff with his right hoof.
Rudolph was clutching a jug of eggnog in his left hoof and
appeared to be inebriated.

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4. (U) It became clear that continuing to discuss reftel
would not be productive so Pol/Econoff switched to the
subject of the high north issue and Russia's claim to have
planted a flag under the North Pole. At this point St. Nick
became very agitated and said that several demarches by his
Embassy in Moscow to the Russian government had been treated
with disdain and that this situation is one of his
government's foreign policy priorities. It appears that the
Russian officials have a difficult time negotiating with
velvet-clad elves. St. Nick is concerned about recent
indications by Russia that they will turn off the gas supply
to the North Pole at the height of the toy production season
due to "technical difficulties." He then stated that Putin
and Medvedev would not like the consequences of such an
action but refused to clarify after Pol/Econoff asked if this
comment referred to The List. This point of friction could
finally lead to the North Pole joining the NATO alliance.

5. (U) Pol/Econoff then moved on to the final objective and
asked St. Nick for a copy of The List for 2009. The Minister
of Communications stepped in at this point and declared that,
"We do not discuss matter of intelligence," but St. Nick
waved him off and gave Pol/Econoff the following note written
in what appears to be candy-cane syrup:

"Nobel Peace Prize winners never get coal..."

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM YOUR CLOSEST EMBASSY TO SANTA'S VILLAGE!"
ORECK

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