Stateside: You Go, Gollum!

Well, *that* creature won't ever work in this town again. No, I don't mean Clammy G, but the lady in the beautiful gown at the Oscars who was shown mouthing "And so they should!" at Steve Martin's wisecrack that a bunch of teamsters were bundling Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo after the acceptance speech he made.

I jest of course, as did Martin when he implied earlier that only Democrats are actors. (Does the name Ronald Reagan ring any bells?) It was an interesting view on the feelings in Hollywood at the moment, though, to see a young actress applauding another, much milder, anti-war comment as an older woman behind her seemed to be telling her not to do so.

What did I miss by arriving fashionably late for the ceremony, I wonder? It wasn't my fault I was late - no matter how loudly I shouted "About Schmidt", no buses would stop for me and I had to go back home and change out of my birthday suit. I was hoping to win the Actress Look-Alike competition at the Academy Awards Gala being held at the Paramount Theatre in Oakland, California.

Regular readers of this column will know how I love that theatre, and I hope to have some photos of it to show you later this week. None of the ceremony though, as I was chased down the aisle by a security guard when I went to take a photo of the nice man with the mighty Wurlitzer who was keeping us entertained when the Hollywood show went to commercials. Only the official Event Photographer had that privilege.

The event was a fundraiser for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, and this was the second year it's been held. Last year they got about 250 people; this year the number was doubled, but the Paramount seats thousands so I can only hope that an exponential curve comes to the organisation's rescue in 2004. It was fantastic value for money - the $75 ticket price comprised a $50 tax-deductible donation and $25 for the event. Write it in your diary NOW for next year. Oakland is a great city and it'll be fun!

Sponsors provided all manner of food and drink out in the foyer, and you got a gift bag as you left. There was a silent auction for prizes like being allowed on the set of a film, television, or commercial shoot organised by the Oakland Film Office; a raffle for a trip to Hawaii; and prizes for Best this and thats. You even arrived to reporters and fans clamouring for your autograph on the red carpet, which was more than the real Oscar attendees got.

I sat up the back of the theatre, near to the door so I could dash out for another margarita and baby burrito in the commercial breaks. I don't know what ads were on TV, or even what channel the awards were shown on: we had a feed from Hollywood and in the break switched to slides of sponsors logos, with a live stage presentation by a willowy blonde drag queen, and some stunning Wurlitzer playing, especially as the winning ticket in the raffle was drawn.

Here is a link to the gala website: http://www.academygala.com/main/ which, as of time of writing, is still showing the 2002 photos.

So now it's Monday morning and naturally I turned on the radio to see what reaction the speeches last night brought. On my regular station someone called in to ask them to play the tail end of Michael Moore's speech, which was all but drowned out on television: the bit about any time you've got the Pope AND the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up.

Well, of course, the Dixie Chicks paid a heavy price for the statement one of the group made while on tour in Europe, with country fans burning their CDs in a rush of tolerance. Pretty much like the reaction of the woman announcer on the next station I turned to who said of the "anti-American protestors" who were starting to shut down intersections in SF again this morning: "I think they're scum and if I saw them in the street I'd spit in their face."

Actually, I never got past that station in my Awards-reaction survey, largely because the only mention made of the Awards was in their news bulletin where they said: "Chicago won Best Picture." That's all they said. Maybe they'd been on the case earlier, but I suspect they thought it beyond comment. This particular talk station is working on a petition to have the Governor of California recalled (kinda like impeachment, I think).

The petition was rejected the first time "because there were only three dots used instead of four as a spacing device", the same lady announcer said. She didn't say why the petition had been rejected a second time, but warned that they were putting the Secretary of State on notice and they'll include him in the petition as well if he doesn't stop using such frivolous ways of blocking it.

She sounded alarmingly like that lady from Concerned Women for America I'd listened to last week, who had "first-hand knowledge", for example, that the photos of babies taken from abortion clinic rubbish bins are real. (As an aside, you have to wonder how people who are so stridently against partial birth abortion can justify it when it is accomplished from 20,000 feet up in the air via the shockwave of a bomb.)

But back to this morning's KSFO rant, which predictably mentioned communists, socialists, and anarchists over and over again in relation to the "anti-American protests" in SF, pointing out that while police were busy arresting protesters, paedophiles and murderers weren't being brought to trial because the police didn't have the time to do the paperwork. If I'm not mistaken, the correct term is "alleged" paedophiles and murderers, unless the announcer was accusing the police of treating people as guilty until proven innocent. Or is that no longer one of the American values those kids in the Gulf are fighting and dying for?

In an effort to reinforce the idea that Al-Qaeda and Iraq are in bed together they had a special guest on the programme. He was a former employee in the clandestine service unit of the CIA's Directorate of Operations. That's the part that handles the "human assets" of foreign countries. He said that a clandestine operation in Iraq would have resulted in another Bay of Pigs, so that is what justifies the overt action to change the government.

But the most he'd say about the Al-Qaeda/Iraq question was that "Iraq likes Al-Qaeda more than it likes us." "As a former CIA clandestine service guy," our lady announcer asked, is there a distinct left-wing faction in the CIA? She was refering to how the 'New York Times' always seems to find someone to refute the necessity for the war in Iraq.

"You have to remember the CIA was set up by liberal internationalists," said Tom. Furthermore, he pointed out, with the end of the Cold War, the CIA began losing its focus - even while Bush 41 was president. Then, categorically: "No, we don't have a faction like that." So there. No commies in the CIA, lady.

But say, let me put you on the mailing list to the Military Book Club, whose junk mail came to me at the weekend. In the 18-page brochure with its many books on each page, only one has been deemed worthy of a pull quote. And it is this, from Heinrich Himmler: "For the SS man there is one absolute principle: he must be honest, decent, loyal and friendly to persons of our own blood, and to no one else...."

Perhaps the SS is more to your liking than those liberal internationalists in the CIA. Oh, and take note of the four dots. It's an ellipsis AND a period. Go figure!

ENDS

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