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Scoop Satire: Timmy The "Littlest Terrorist"

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is the proud host of the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Young boy denies hiding nuclear weapons in bedroom


But ‘Littlest Terrorist’ may yet have to face Christian justice

Timothy Hudson, a resident of Cleveland St, Brooklyn, has outraged the Bush Administration by continuing to deny the existence of nuclear weapons in his bedroom.

In a statement released today, Timothy, aka "Timmy", Hudson, aged 8, maintained that he did not have any weapons of mass destruction, hidden or otherwise, in his bedroom - a fact confirmed by American weapons inspectors late this afternoon during a thorough search of the closet and under the bed. "I dont even have any boms," [sic] Timmy's statement read. "Pleese dont kill me."

American officials, labelling Hudson's pleading as "immature" and "manipulative", responded by deploying armed forces to the neighbouring Cleveland St houses in preparation for a pre-emptive strike.

President Bush, speaking at the American Serial Killers for Christ convention in Chicago, addressed the controversy by drawing links between Timothy and Osama Bin Laden.

"This is a lesson for Americans that Evil can come in any shape, any size. Osama Bin Laden - a tall man; intelligence reports indicate 6 foot, maybe more. Timothy Hudson - a small boy, satellite pictures show him to be around 3 foot 11. But whether the biggest terrorist or the littlest terrorist, what is held in common is a shared love of Evil - Evil that is terrifying."

Elsewhere Secretary of State Colin Powell, in a brief but moving statement, said "If the whereabouts of the weapons are not made clear to us by the end of the week, little Timmy's going to get a faceful of pain," adding that, "the United States armed forces will rip that little boy the vagina he never had."

Powell then indicated a stack of official CIA documents that in some way or another proved conclusively that Hudson is the head of a local terrorist network.

The boy's immediate family have already evacuated the house, taking shelter with nearby relatives.

"Leaving Timmy there alone was hard, especially since he's not expected to survive the night", a bemused Derek Hudson told reporters. "But the attack could happen anytime and there's no point in all of us dying." Sharon Hudson, Timmy's mother, was unable to provide a comment and is reportedly rocking gently on sister Mary's toilet seat.

Responses from Cleveland St residents have ranged from sympathy for Timmy, to anger: "I wish the little bastard would just give up the bombs", Alan Glen, 68, told reporters. "Then the nice young soldiers can decamp from my lounge. They don't like killing children, you know - not American children anyway"

Others find it difficult to imagine how Timothy might have actually gained access to the weapons in question. "Timmy is just a little boy," says Angie Froth from two houses down. "Why won't they just leave him alone for Christ's sake?" Angie's husband nods in agreement, but has no opinion to offer and is reported to be an alcoholic.

An overwhelming amount of domestic support for a pre-emptive attack has led to Bush giving the pre-teen Hudson until midnight to comply with the US demands. "I will not be pushed around by some little girlie-swot boy who doesn't even have pubes", Bush yelled, to the delight of a roomful of anxious serial killers patriotically clutching their bibles.. "I vow on the honour of the American people to eradicate any threat to the free world by little Timmy".

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: http://scoop.co.nz/mason/features/?s=bex. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

Readers of enthusiasm may also like to consider subscribing to the online email version in Free My Scoop.

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