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Scoop Satire: Eradicating Timmy The Terrorist

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express, and a link to where you can subscribe to the print edition.

Eradicating Timmy

See also… Scoop Satire: Timmy The "Littlest Terrorist"

For the professionally trained soldier, few assignments are as daunting as isolating and neutralising an 8 year old boy armed with nuclear weapons. Although diminutive in stature, an 8 year old male can nevertheless apply over 400lb of pressure psi through its powerful bite and 'lockjaw' capability, while simultaneously deducing the encryptic codes needed to 'hack' into a military mainframe and launch a first strike nuclear attack against any number of western cities. For these security reasons, we can expect the US military forces to adopt a 'safety first' policy when dealing with the threat pose by Timothy Hudson.

1 - A prolonged run of aerial bombardment, first from B-52 bombers, will systematically disable the domestic infrastructure and surroundings of Hudson's house, (some neighbouring houses may also be damaged during this phase). Then 'specific strikes' from 'smart' cruise missiles directly targeting key areas - such as the bathroom, the living room, and Timmy's bedroom itself. Radiation-heavy depleted uranium weapons will be used during bombing to ensure that 'full-spectrum punishment' is meted out to the neighbourhood that spawned the terrorist for centuries to come.

2 - Should satellite reconnaissance imaging fail to account for a small dismembered body amidst the debris, troops may be required to take Timmy in hand-to-hand combat.

3 - Before troops go in, up to 25 canisters of CS gas will be fired into the target zone. Should Timmy still be alive, the gas will quickly bring on nausea, blindness, and muscular contractions severe enough to break the 8 year old's spine as he involuntarily contorts in agony - much as the young children's spines in the Waco compound contracted and snapped when CS gas was used on them.

4 - Between 100 and 150 Special Services Urban-Child Rangers will rush the house in assault teams, keeping in close contact with Pentagon Command Staff via their helmet audio-consoles. Timmy, should he break cover during this highly adrenalised phase of the operation, can expect to be shot no fewer than 1500 times.

5 - Should Timmy 'the littlest terrorist' have survived, he will be a severely traumatised, vomitous, blinded, shivering ball of fear, with a spine snapped back upon itself and numerous gaping, pulsating shrapnel and projectile wounds. He may be missing limbs, or have suffered some degree of disembowelment. In addition, blood will be streaming from ears, mouth and anus from the concussion suffered during bombing. If he can speak at all, he will most likely be screaming screaming screaming for his mother, or begging God to let him die.

6 - Once Timmy has been 'mopped up' (either figuratively or literally), Pentagon staff will study operational reports to fine-tune their tactics in preparation for combat against the terrorist children of Iraq.

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

Readers of enthusiasm may also like to consider subscribing to the online email version in Free My Scoop.

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