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Satire: The Rise And Rise Of Illegal Caffeine

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop is proud to host the online version of the Babylon Express satirical newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

The Shortfalls Of Shortage:
The Rise And Rise Of Illegal Caffeine

Babylon Express Special Report With Guy Recliner
See also companion article...
Capital In Crisis As Coffee-Shortage Kicks In

Where there is demand a supplier, whenever possible, will provide; this is the first law of economics. It is also the first law of the street - and in the streets of a once-proud capital, there is a demand being met by means illegal that has police and community groups alarmed. Welcome to the world of illicit caffeine.

To get ‘the shit’ about this burgeoning trade, The Babylon Express went undercover with an admitted ‘C’ dealer. On the grounds that we wouldn’t reveal his name, Ray Peckerhed, or the whereabouts of his ‘lab’, 45 Vulvo St, (in the garage out the back), Molenburg, Wellington, this unassuming 25 year old allowed us exclusive access to his operation.

Ray gets his raw caffeine from New Guinea, where, he says, the sweltering climate “gives the beans a kick not found in other areas.” It then takes two weeks to process the beans into the three different forms in which it will be sold on the street.

1) Caff or C-Dust - A freebased caffeine powder that is snorted; $180 a gram.

2) C - A mixture of caffeine and ‘uppers’ that comes in pill form; $80 each.

3) C-Skag or Black - A tarry condensed caffeine residue. Liquefies when heated and is then injected by the user; $250 a gram.

In Ray’s ‘flophouse’ I watched Susan Crust, a ‘strung-out’ female user who will remain anonymous, as she went through the ritual of preparing a ‘hit’ of ‘black’. Plainly agitated and sweating heavily, Susan rubbed some of the unheated caffeine resin along her teeth and gums.

“Ah that’s the shit. This black is pure caff” she muttered.

Susan then ‘heats’ up the base resin in a ‘spoon’. Once liquefied, the ‘black’ is drawn into a ‘syringe’. I watched appalled as Susan then ‘shot-up’ an ‘arm’ already punctured with numerous ‘pin-holes’.

“Are there many like her?” I asked Ray.

“Professionals? Oh yeah. Hundreds. Usually policy analysts or consultants. You know the type.”

Susan lies back quietly, eyes shut, a cigarette alight in her hand. But only for a moment - the frightening thing about caffeine-based drugs like ‘Black’ is the speed with which they ‘hit’ the user. In a moment Susan has shot bolt forward, eyes wide.

“Good morning everybody!” she says brightly, (it’s 8.54pm). Then opening a copy of the Dominion Post she quickly continues “Oh good Rosemary Mcleod I do like her she’s so sensible about social issues and not at all a snide self-righteous elitist cow with hilariously bad hair and oh look today she’s focusing her sarcastic-by-numbers bile on menopausal female newspaper columnists oh how entertaining this promises to be...”

“She’ll be like this for hours” says Ray quietly closing the door.

Outside I cannot help wiping a small tear that has begun to well within my eye. This is the awful truth of addiction, and people like Susan are its victims.

Leaving Ray’s, it was hard to escape the conclusion that we, as a society, are failing our young urban professionals. It is high time we began openly discussing ways of helping the victims held pray by this vile, addictive substance - caffeine.

**** ENDS ****

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming print edition copies should contact the editor at or subscribe at the online home of the Babylon Express (including previous online articles) here on Scoop at: Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

Readers may also like to consider subscribing to the online email version in Free My Scoop.

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