The Useless Invasion Sketch (After Monty Python)
The Useless Invasion Sketch
by Kip Williams, age 46
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE (played by John Cleese) walks down the street carrying THE IRAQUI INVASION (played by an empty parrot cage). He walks into THE WHITE HOUSE (played by a cheesy storefront) and addresses COLIN POWELL (played by Michael Palin).
American People:Excuse me... boy!
Colin Powell: (turns around and stands up) What d'you mean, 'boy?'
American People:I'm sorry; I have contact lenses. At any rate, I wish to register a complaint!
Colin Powell: Sorry, squire, I can't talk to you now. It's Code Orange! (he hastily starts to put up a sign)
American People:Never mind that now, my fine fellow. I wish to register a complain about this military action, which you sold me just a couple of months ago.
Colin Powell: Oh yes, the Iraqui invasion. Lovely little war, that was. What... uh, what seems to be wrong with it?
American People:I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's empty, that's what's wrong with it.
Colin Powell: Oh, no, no, no. It's not empty at all. It's served its purpose, it has. Freed the oppressed people of Iraq, fed the homeless, brought everlasting fame and glory to our bulging leader.
American People:But when I purchased this dreary little police action from you, you assured me that the whole and entire purpose was to disarm Saddam Hussein and take away, quote, his vast stockpiles of ready-to-use weapons of mass destruction, end quote.
Colin Powell: Oh, there's some mistake. We went in to liberate the poor oppressed people of...
American People:Listen, mate. I took the liberty of recording your voice when you sold me that thing, and here's what it says. (produces tape recorder)
Tape: (Colin Powell's voice) "We know just where they are. We know just what they've got. They're buried in these bunkers right here, which our surveillance satellites have photographed not more than twenty minutes ago. They could not possibly be used for any purpose other than the storage of hideous, slime-dripping nuclear anthrax chemical weapons of mass destruction. Say, are you recording me?"
American People:Right. And when we "liberated" those poor bastards, the bunker was found to contain little more than a twenty-year collection of Penthouse and Hustler magazines, plus a dozen lava lamps and a mini-bar.
Colin Powell: Well...
Colin Powell: Well, of course they'd cleaned it out before they left. Sold it all to their chums in the Taliban, they did.
American People:I happen to know that their 'chums,' as you so colorfully put it, hate their guts and have referred to them repeatedly as "scabrous lackeys of the internationalist secular state," end quotation.
Colin Powell: Well, they have to say that, don't they? I mean, it's all part of the grand scheme. Lovely little war, wa'nit? Liberated all them poor...
American People:Stoppit! All you've done is make their lives worse than before. That's why they keep killing our soldiers.
Colin Powell: Oh no, squire. They're grateful. That's why they pulled down that statue.
American People:I've seen the footage of the event, and the only Iraquis in the picture appear to have had their feet nailed there.
Colin Powell: Well, of course they were nailed there. If we hadn't nailed them, they'd've been crushed by the falling statue, wouldn't they? It was for their own safety. That's why we liberated the...
American People:Shut up. Did you or did you not allege on several different occasions that we had found the weapons of mass destruction and that therefore the entire ill-advised escapade was a rousing success?
Colin Powell: What, them trailers? Well, of course they was weapons of mass destruction. They could've used them for germs, or chemicals, or...
American People:In fact, they were used for hydrogen, and precious little of that. They didn't even have walls, for pity's sake.
Colin Powell: Well, hydrogen's pretty dangerous, isn't it, Squire? It could power tanks or jets or... and what about that Hindenberry thing? Let's see you stand in a room full of liquid hydrogen with nothing but a ripe boysenberry to defend yourself with, and you'll soon see mass destructive. Wouldn't want to be in your shoes then! And anyway, we liberated the...
American People:Liberation don't enter into it, mate. It was a bleeding sham.
Colin Powell: No, it was liberation!
American People:Sham, sham, sham! And you didn't find any weapons of mass destruction!
Colin Powell: Well, of course we didn't, Squire. They was... they was looted.
American People:Looted? LOOTED?
Colin Powell: Yeah. When our boys was busy not looking at the museum, they looted all them weapons out from under their noses. And anyway, we liberated...
American People:You're saying that starving peasants with no resources of their own simply looted vast stores of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons? With What??
Colin Powell: They carried them off on their bicycles.
American People:But a missile weighs several tons, and a bicycle can only carry, at most, a couple of hundred pounds.
Colin Powell: They used two bicycles, with a bungee cord between 'em. They're a nasty lot, Squire. Not like the ones that sang songs to us when we liberated...
American People:Will you shut up? Since when is it liberation to leave a people destitute, without food, water, electricity, or law enforcement?
Colin Powell: Those things was all shackles on them. We freed 'em, I tell you! They're grateful to us. They're singin' songs...
American People:Those aren't songs, you parsimonious prevaricator, they're protesting in the streets, and shooting at our soldiers.
Colin Powell: They're just exuberant. Like to fire off their guns a lot, now they're free and all. They don't mean nuffin' by it. They're just so happy to be liberated, with Hussein gone. You mark my words; he was the real weapon of mass destruction his own self, why, he...
American People:That's another thing. You didn't even get him, did you?
Colin Powell: Well...
American People:You don't even know where he is, do you?
Colin Powell: We got a tip...
American People:You've been blowing up caravans and bombing cities and striking about blindly, because your yahoo cowboy boss refused to listen to any intelligence that contradicted his beliefs. Which, when you come down to it, precluded the use of any intelligence whatsoever.
Colin Powell: I see. Quite. (pause) Well, then, we'd better replace it, hadn't we?
American People:With what?
Colin Powell: Well, them Iranis are gettin' pretty swaggery, ain't they?
American People:I thought you were encouraging them to rise up against their religious leaders, now that they aren't accepting any more cakes from your lot.
Colin Powell: Fair enough. How about something in a nice little Afghanistan?
American People:You've already done that one. Worse than Iraq, if I recall.
Colin Powell: How about... coming up to my place and re-electing my boss?
American People:Why in the world would I want to do that? Why wouldn't I just vote for the Democrats and chase you idiots out of office, once for all?
American People:Oh, no, Squire! No, no, no, no! You wouldn't want to do that, trust me on this one.
American People:And why not, if I may be so brash as to query?
Colin Powell: Well, they're a bunch of psychopathic liars, they are, always Whitewaterin', 'aving sex in the Oval Office, taking' expensive haircuts on Air Force One, trashing the White House, murderin' poor ol' Vince Foster, and claiming they invented the Internet.
American People:Point taken! Well, then, I'll have a North Korea to go, please.
Colin Powell: You won't regret it, Squire! I'll just wrap it up. (tears an American flag off of a roll and clumsily wraps up the same cage the AP carried in.) Come again!