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Lyndon Hood: NZ Armed Forces Need New Challenge

NZ Armed Forces Need New Challenge

"We Must Prepare to Invade Turkey Immediately!"
Satire By Lance Corporal Lyndon Hood Aged 126 yrs

As we reflect on ANZAC day and give remembrance to the men who gave their lives on foreign fields, we must ask ourselves one question: Why haven't we given those Turks the lesson they deserve? It's been 90 years, already!

We should work diligently for peace where appropriate. But we dishonour the memory of the ANZACs if we are not continuously at war with our enemies, hardening our armed forces for a final, successful campaign to retake the Gallipoli peninsula.

There were tens of thousands attending this year's commemorations at ANZAC Cove. If they'd only been properly armed, we could have retaken Chunuk Bair once and for all.

It's all very well for today's politicians to pontificate. Have they ever bled to dead in a muddy, disease-ridden trench half a world from home? I think not. So, faced with the chance to rouse a collection of our finest Kiwi youth into a rampaging, beachwear-clad army directed by text messages, our own Prime Minister did nothing.

This is typical of the attitude of our leaders. And even when this orthodoxy is breached, it is merely for political point-scoring and not in support of the moral imperative to finish what we started in 1915.

New Zealand's forces must never be unprepared. We must be ready to respond to even the smallest slight with overwhelming force - and not just for the honour of our glorious dead.

Our out-of-control youth would benefit from a dose of military discipline, and having large numbers of them mown down in a war of attrition would also rectify certain imbalances in New Zealand's population.

Firstly, it appears that we have too many males - it's getting so they have to marry each other.

Secondly it is calculated that soon white-skinned folk will be outnumbered in our own country, everywhere except the front benches of her Majesty's Opposition. This can be rectified if we let our darker cousins once more demonstrate their famous skill and courage at the front of our infantry charges.

I realise that any action would likely come too late to alleviate the problem of baby boomers reaching retirement. This only shows how grievously successive Governments have mishandled our nation's defense policy; we can only do what we can.

Our boys will, however, require a functioning air support. Practicality be damned! Integration with allied forces is not an issue if you're singlehandedly strafing your way to Istanbul. A good half dozen of whatever obsolete models are in the international bargain basement should be more than enough to strike terror into the heart of the Mehmets.

We must begin preparations now. Not only has the Turk been chuckling behind his pointly beard for decades, using the remains of our fallen as asphalt and somehow causing our most solemn celebration to be desecrated by surfer pop, he is seeking allies in Europe. Should our revenge be too long delayed, the combined might of Luxembourg and Monaco may stand between us and justice.

Yet few would doubt that we should hone our skills in battle before we face our final test. That is why I propose we begin at once by teaching John Howard the lesson he deserves. We shall give him a barbecue he won't forget in a hurry. Then, with an army of Australian conscripts under trained New Zealand officers, an ANZAC force will at last achieve victory in Turkey.

It'll be easier than last time, too. There's a road now.

New Zealand Army has earned a worldwide reputation in peacekeeping and civil reconstruction. This is the military equivalent of giving out traffic tickets. Did our Johnnies die for that? No! They died in trying to capture a few acres of ground just off the Aegean Sea. We neglect their unquiet souls until we finally take Gallipoli for the King!


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