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Lyndon Hood: Trying to think up a fiancee policy

Satire: I'm trying to come up with a credible fiancee policy

By Lyndon Hood

Satire: I'm planning on getting married. That is, if she says yes. At the moment, the woman in question, her name's New Zealand ("Enzed" for short), says she's 38.5% sure she likes me.

Anyway, these last couple of weeks she keeps bugging me, trying to find out what my plans are. Like, how exactly I'm going to treat her once she marries me. I mean, I've told her I'm going to be nice to her and everything, but she insists she wants details.

"But Nat," she says, "why should I commit to you for years and years if I've got no idea how you're going to behave."

I don't know what the problem is. It's not as if I expect her to change her second name to "Party".

I've tried putting her off. I said I'd have a plan soon after I proposed. And then I said we'd have one once we'd set a date, and I didn't make that one either. I mean, she honestly will have enough time to make up her mind. But it's getting so if I wait much longer we won't be able to cancel the caterers.

I've tried dropping the occasional hint, just to see what she wants, but she keeps accusing me of contradicting myself and says she doesn't want a husband who's shifty and unreliable.

So what I mostly say now is, "How would I know what I'm going to do, I'm not married to you yet, am I?" She generally stops bugging me around that point, but she doesn't seem very satisfied. So I'm going to have to come up with something pretty quick. Problem is, she has to like it.

But until I come up with a comprehensive policy, her crazy control freak flatmate is just making up stories about what I might do, and it's always something she thinks Enzed won't like. And if I do say something, then no matter what it is she twists it all around in a completely unfair way. Makes it sound like I'm going to turn Enzed into a social wreck, bankrupt her and make her life miserable until she ends up on the verge of collapse.

But that's just not true! I'm not like that any more! I've changed! How often do I have to say it?

Besides, it was for her own good.

Anyway, I definitely won't make Enzed pay all that money paid into a flat account. I'm not going to spend her money for her. I'm not her nanny. She can buy all that girly stuff herself. Like cleaning products. I don't see any reason to clean, so I don't see why I should help pay for it.

But if I bring that up she's all like, well how much more will she get, and what will that cost her, and
I'm like, "I don't know. How much do chicks cost to run? What am I, an economist?"

And she goes, "What if we have a baby? How will we pay for everything?" And then she starts on at me for selling off all the whitewear, which is completely unfair cos that was ages ago. So I promise not to do it again, but I don't think she believes me.

At least I wouldn't waste money like her evil flatmate. The woman who spent flat money on a "value pack" of health-style oven fries that cost twice as much and I'm sure wasn't twice as big. And when I suggested that might be a problem Enzed starts going on about how I'm always complaining how there aren't enough chips.

And you know how she keeps taking in strays animals from all round the neighbourhood? Well it's more than she can properly take care of and she still hasn't neutered all of them. I don't care if they're better off than they were and I don't care if she promised the SPCA, I'm not helping pay for that.

Actually, I think the trouble all started with Samantha.

Samantha is from Washington and she works behind the bar at the local. Her and Enzed are "very, very, very good friends". Even if lately Sam sometimes acts a bit more like she's the bouncer and belts somebody without any real excuse. Boy, you don't mess with her.

Anyway, a few years ago I said it would be cool if Enzed and Sam, like, 'got together' (this was around that last time me and Enzed broke up) and Enzed didn't like that at all. It was like she had some irrational objection to me even suggesting it. Then a while back when Samantha started beating people up I was shoving Enzed towards her and going, "Catfight! Catfight!" That didn't go down too well either.

Anyway, lately Enzed's been bringing that whole thing up again. She wanted to know if I was going to suggest it again if we got hitched and I said it sounded like a good idea and then she got all huffy. It's not like I wasn't going to ask her first, it's not something you just spring a person. So then I cave in and go, "Well I'll only suggest it if it turns out Samantha would be into it," and she gets all offended that I would ask Sam first, and I'm all, "Well what would be the point otherwise?" and Enzed's even madder than she was before.

So now I tell her I'm not actually interested in getting her together with Sam at all.

And then she complains because I keep "changing my story".

The worst part is, she thinks I only want to do it because if it works out we might get free beer.

So anyway, whatever I come up with, it had better be good.


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