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Mark Drolette: Dear Fellow Citizens of the World

Dear Fellow Citizens of the World:

By Mark Drolette

Save yourselves.

America, my native country, a place I no longer recognize, is now an irredeemably wretched land shot through with lunacy and idiocy, a rogue nation on the prowl controlled by murderous madmen enthusiastically supported by tens of millions of spiritually-impaired, common senseless, mentally ill, blood-lusting yahoos.

But why mince words? America is a menace.

This is no doubt old news to some, but for others who still harbor some hopeful belief that America will right itself and once again become the (purported) land of the brave, home of the free, and holder of high ideals: Dissuade yourself of this notion, for the only thing today’s America holds is high danger. The maniacal pirates at her helm will stop at nothing -- nothing -- to plunder the entire planet’s every nook and cranny.

No one is safe, no place untouchable (except, of course, for our very bestest friend in the whole wide world, Saudi Arabia, that well-known bastion of freedom, tolerance, and public beheadings, and also home to Bushco’s ideological Bedouinfellows, the House of Saud [plus, not to mention, a whole lotta bin Ladens]).

Protect yourselves, my fellow travelers, for no matter what relationship may appear to exist between your nation and ours, you and your countrywomen/men could very well next occupy the Bushies’ crosshairs should the resources that lie beneath your feet also rest atop their to-loot list.

Millions of us here have tried mightily to stop the steamrolling horror that is George W. Bush, the egomaniacal, overgrown frat boy loser devoid of all compassion who serves as the perfect puppet for the real string-pullers: the venomous Dick Cheney and his partners-in-slime, spineless vipers who slither about in America-as-empire pits like the Project for the New American Century. (Let’s not forget Poppy Bush, either, who, while probably not a true neocon but undoubtedly a con, would jettison his dolt of a son in a hot second if the “cause” called for it. Or, hell, maybe even just ‘cause.)

But we have obviously, miserably failed. The real America is dead, its corpse inhabited by a rampaging, death-dealing zombie.

One might think the Bush administration’s unforgivable, criminal indifference to Americans’ very lives so graphically and gruesomely demonstrated throughout the South and, especially, in the streets -- check it, the canals -- of America’s newest ghost town, New Orleans, would be a wake-up call for at least some of this nation’s citizens who’ve been blind to Bushco’s unremitting global lethality, thereby providing some hope for an unraveling of the ideological knot that has strangled the U.S.

One might think that, but if one did, one would be way wrong. Far too many Dubya defenders have proven intractable; bewilderingly, they cannot be swayed, no matter what, and obviously never will be, as their continued defense of Bush in light of his Twilight Zone-ish “handling” of the Katrina debacle mind-blowingly shows.

Why is this, you ask, my global cousins? Why, you inquire in unbelieving wonder, do these people not see Bush for the mendacious, meatheaded, mumbly-mouthed murderer he is?

Good question. It’s one that has bedeviled us for years. Theories abound. Could it be the nonstop disinformation shoveled out by the bought-and-paid for U.S. whoreporate media? Mass stupidity/apathy/insanity? The disorienting heartbreak of psoriasis? Who knows?

Personally, I think it’s a combination of all of the above (don’t ever underestimate the trauma of uncontrollable itching), but whatever the reason(s), my nation nonetheless undeniably teems with myriad puerile adults who consider themselves well-informed because, you know, they watch Fox News and Entertainment Tonight, apathetic ignoramuses who would define critical thinking as what Ebert and Whoever do and think that being politically active means pushing the radio’s “on” button for another daily dose of their drugged demagogue’s diseased discharges, (alleged) humans who will insist with all seriousness, even after the post-Katrina hell that has clearly exposed America’s disfiguring racism-scarred pasty white underbelly, that we are a “color-blind” society, and, oh yeah, not only that, pal, but we are a peaceful people as well, yes, a Christian nation that is the One True Distributor of Liberty, reluctantly duty-bound to frequently blow the literal living crap out of dark-skinned, funny-talking, lower-cultured people to help ease their transition into our benevolent gift of democracy or theocracy or dictatorship or whatever, thereby affording the blessed survivors of our depleted uranium-shelled magnanimity the privilege of buying Big Macs and home entertainment systems and $200 Nikes and stuff.

So you see what we’re dealing with here. And, frankly, it doesn’t really matter why our good Germans are this way, it just matters that they are, and that with their unblinking, unthinking support of their beloved Bushfuhrer, they have inarguably assisted in the murder of America.

What matters most, by far, though, is that they ain’t goin’ away anytime soon.

It has all been too much for us. The very, very bad guys have won. This doesn’t mean we are giving up since that is a guaranteed dead end, but the prospects of us turning the Bushco terror train around anytime soon are mighty, mighty thin.

This is why you must beware, my compadres del mundo, and America-proof your country as well as possible.

Just how, you may inquire, are you supposed to do this? What are the actual mechanics of defending yourself against a berserk United States? Well, since I’m the one here from the failed country (and also three failed marriages, though I guess it’d be a stretch to blame those on Bushco), I’m not sure I’m qualified to give such advice, nor do I have any bright ideas (other than not proposing again), but here goes:

Lobby your government, form coalitions, stockpile rocks, cast spells, whatever. Repeatedly remind your elected leaders that no matter its patter, America’s eye is always on your nation’s resources, which, if America covets, it will heartlessly pursue.

Please note (especially the Homeland Security monitor): I am not advocating that anyone use violence to thwart America, just as if I were proposing possible solutions to my fellow Americans for reclaiming our country, I would probably pretty much most likely practically not ever suggest to them, either.

For the most part.

However, I AM saying, my non-American brothers and sisters: do not enable the U.S., for you know that wantonly destructive alcoholic relative who absolutely refused to get help until everyone in your family finally cut off all avenues of assistance? Well, just try thinking of America that way; you know, sort of like a big version of your drunken, out-of-control Aunt Lurline, except with a few more aircraft carriers and nuclear warheads and a pathological urge to use them every so often.

Those who hope for an American Revolution, Part II, would be better off wishing for something more plausible -- like time travel. A rebellion just ain’t gonna happen here, at least not in my lifetime (which, if I keep writing columns like this, might be somewhat limited). Even if bullets were to start flying en masse in America’s streets (those that weren’t flooded, that is, or choked with bodies of Americans on the receiving end of compassionate conservatism), the whole imbroglio would much more likely resemble a civil war. America's polarization is deep, complete, and very real; no honest political discussion happens here, and the existing dread, divisive atmosphere makes me think this must be a lot what it was like before our War Between the States of 1861-1865.

For anyone who finds this piece alarmist, I’ll leave you with this: Remember when using nuclear weapons was considered an unthinkable last resort? Well, the Bush administration has sent that idea packing by likely making official the policy of flinging those babies around like so many Frisbees.

According to a September 10, 2005, article by Reuters:

“The U.S. Defense Department has written a draft revision of its nuclear operations doctrine [“Doctrine for Joint Nuclear Operations”] that outlines the use of nuclear weapons to pre-empt an enemy’s attack with weapons of mass destruction…”

Reuters further reports the document proposes using nukes under various circumstances: “in the face of an enemy’s imminent biological weapons attack…”; “on enemy installations containing weapons of mass destruction…”; “to counter potentially overwhelming conventional forces, for rapid and favorable war termination on U.S. terms, to demonstrate U.S. intent and capability to use nuclear weapons to deter enemy use of weapons of mass destruction, and to respond to the use of weapons of mass destruction supplied by an enemy to a ‘surrogate.’”

I think the only scenario missing is if the U.S. is having a bad hair day, but I’m sure that can be added later.

An Associated Press item quotes the draft document as saying “the U.S. needs a range of capabilities to assure friend and foe alike of its resolve” and “the decision to employ nuclear weapons at any level requires explicit orders from the president.”

Whew, that’s a relief, huh? Betcha you were worried there for a moment till you found out the decision to vaporize Tehran or Damascus or Sydney (you know, depending on who is deemed our “friend” or “foe”) rests solely with our president, Dick Cheney, or, if he’s away again for another re-animation, then George W. Bush.

As you can see, my spiritual siblings, our government has lost its mind and, consequently, we have lost our country. Do all you can to save yours from an insane, predatory America.


A grieving American


Copyright © 2005 Mark Drolette. All rights reserved.

Bio: Mark Drolette is a political satirist/commentator who lives in Sacramento, California. He can be reached at and his website address is

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