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Howard Demands Emergency Anti-Wolf Legislation

Howard Demands Emergency Anti-Wolf Legislation

Satire by Lyndon Hood

My fellow Australians:

Today the Government will introduce an urgent amendment to Australia’s counter-wolf legislation.

The Government has received specific and credible intelligence this week which gives cause for serious concern about a potential wolf threat.

Wolf! Wolf, I say!

Not that I'm at liberty to tell you where the wolf is, or what it's doing. But I can assure you that it looks to be a very alarming wolf indeed. My, what big teeth he has!

In the interests of openness, transparency and accountability, two members of the opposition have been fully briefed. They agree that this particular threat is worse than the kind that crops up all the time, and that the legislation is actually needed in this case and is also good idea in the wider sense. Because they would, in fact, know.

We have only put forward amendments we need right now, such as changing the definition of what constitutes a wolf and allowing charges relating to 'a' rather than 'the' act of wolfness. These would enable us to defeat this wolf, although I can't explain how for security reasons.

Other provisions from the full package, such as allowing police to randomly set well-concealed spike-lined wolfpits, have not been included. Though, if we suddenly feel like passing them now, I'm keen.

After all, unless you are a wolf you have nothing to fear. How can you get caught in a wolf trap if you're not a wolf?

Now, eyebrows will no doubt raised over the timing of this announcement.

But how could I announce it on Tuesday? The Melbourne Cup was on!


But seriously.

Some might point to the increasing opposition to our proposed counter-wolf laws.

Some may mention the increasing controversy over our workplace reforms.

Some might point out that my Government has just been accused of ignoring David Hicks' claims that he was tortured and abused in US custody. Mr Hicks being the only western prisoner at Guantanamo Bay not to be rescued by his government.

In fact, now I think about it, if there ever was a day when exaggerating both the immediate threat level and the benefits of eroding civil liberties would be a good move politically, this is it.

I digress.

To those eyebrow-raisers I say this, the timing is just an embarrassing coincidence. Coincidences like this happen a lot. Just look at the United States.

For instance, there was that subway-wolf threat of that was announced two hours after the public found out Rove was going to testify about those leaks again.

And that time the alert status was raised straight after the Democrat convention.

Come to think of it, that also happened just after John Kerry announced his running mate.

I could give you a dozen examples like that. So it's not unusual.

In fact the lesson is, there are a lot of wolves out there! And what's more, they're still on the loose! Or if they have been caught, we don't know about it. They've just been 'disappeared'.

I wish I was allowed to do that to my wolf suspects.

Some have asked, if the threat is so clear and urgent, why has the Australian Lupine Intelligence Organisation has not raised the official Wolf Threat Level from 'Big' to 'Big Bad'.

And why have officials told the New Zealand government that "there is no imminent threat of wolf attacks in Australia".

Or - if our intelligence is so good - why is extra legislation now necessary. Isn't the 2002 House-of-Brick Act sufficient to protect us?

To those people, I say, fine. Don't believe me.

But the thing is, you kind of have to go along with me anyway. I mean, it could still be for real.

Or else, if you're all devoured in your grandmothers' beds, we'll know whose fault it is, won’t we?

Besides, when have I ever lied to you?

Ok, I did say those refugees on that boat were throwing their children overboard. But apart from that. When?


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