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Satire: President Bush's Next Speech

Satire: President Bush's Next Speech

A parody of our President's speaking quirks. The greatest President the dictionary has never known.
By James Boyne

Ladies and gentleone's. Glad ya could make it. Want ta talk to you about healthcare.

It's important. Everyone needs your health. Without it, what can you do. And with it, there are only limitations, which means you can do anything. The sky's the limit, and so can your health.

Some people say its not hard work. But you know how I feel about that. It is hard work. And you know I am President. What does a President do? Hard work, just like you. I make decisions. I lead. I am a diversion. And I am a leader. I love that part of me. I just get up every morning and I lead.

I didn't come here today to talk about me. I came to talk about me. Your health insurance.

Right now many people think they have no health insurance, because it's too expensive. Me too. They're wrong. Americans want to own things. We've proven this throughout the ages. No matter what your age is. Young and old. And everyone in between. Including the baby bloomers, who are only now coming of birth. And we're one of them.

I've developed the ownership society. That's what I call it. Americans own more homes than they can handle. Especially, the rich are no exception, even you. Me too.

I want you to own your health. So I have decided to pick out Health Savings Accounts. These are accounts that I picked out where you can put your own hard earned pennies apart and save 'em all up. When you have 'em all saved you can hand 'em right over to the docs. It's your own money. Because you own it.

But when you give it all to the docs it will be owned by the docs. And guess what? You get a tax savings. That's right. It's special. After you get the tax savings along with the right to pay the docs you will have nothing. It will be like a zero account balance where you have a clean slate when you are broke.

Plus, the docs get a tax break on your money because they own the business. So you get a tax break. And then your money gets another tax break when the docs spend it. Then I take all the tax money you gave and I give it back to everybody. This includes you. That's right. You. Wherever your money goes it keeps getting a tax break. When it's all gone we give it to the Defense Department. They then fly over to Iraq and give it to the Iraqis and to Halliburton where it is spread out evenly. Iraqi truck drivers get fifty cents an hour and the Halluburton guys get $100,000 a year. That's why the Iraqis want "freedom and democracy". It pays better. Anyway, your money is safe with me. So sign up for a Health Saving Account and watch it grow with me.

And I have some icing on the cake for you. No one is going to escape bankruptcy. When you don't own anything anymore we are not going to let those who do escape with anything. They have to pay back what they can, cause its only fair. If you are sick and have nothing, then is the time to help. So help yourself to hard work. It's neighbor helping neighbor.

That's why I'm not helping out in New Orleans. Those people just need a little encouragement and encouragement is free. So they don't get any money. It's like tough love or like hard luck. So you have your choice. Love or luck. Everyone wants it when they get it but don't know it. That's why I'm President. To figure things out like this. I like hard work and I'm your President. And I'll work right along with you, but don't come too close because we can work apart like Republicans or we can work alone like Liberals, so lets separate the two for the benefit of all Americans, not like them.

And if we get too close people will talk. They'll think we're gay. And I'm for the sanctity of marriage, so let's keep our distance and play it safe. Do it for the Constitution. It's America. Not the liberals.

There is too much bi-partisanshit in Washington and we're gonna clean it up. I know all about the lobbies. The hotel lobbies are the worst. Ya just stand in the lobby and nothing ever happens, except you get to check into your room. It's gonna stop. There's 14,000 lobbyists in Washington and I don't know one of them. And only one. And his name isn't Jack, as in Jack Abraham. I swear that isn't me with him in the picture. It's a look alike. Maybe its Jeb. But he helped me out in the 2000 election, so I'll let him slide. I'm glad I came here today to level with the American people. They need to be leveled.

And don't tell me we don't need a level playing field. It can't be on a hill or it will slant. For sure. So let's level it out and all stand straight, not like on a sunken ship tilting into the wind.

This is good.

I like this crowd. Crowds are almost like a lot of people. And this is one of them, for the best.

The docs are hurting. All the OB/GYN docs are leaving. Some have left. It can't be forever. Don't think that just because docs have three or four SUV's and a couple of homes on the beach and in the mountains that it is all fun and games for them.

Lot's of people are suing the docs. Its called irrigation. If we can stop the irrigation we can stop the suits. Docs don't need suits. They have other clothes to wear. Its the ownership society. We need irrigation reform.

Anyone can have a Health Savings Account. All you need to do is sign up for a $10,000 deductible policy and have $5000 to open the account. So just sign up. Don't even know what you are signing because its safe as a crap shoot and you'll take it up the kazzoo. Its as easy as 1-2-3, which is like counting single digit numbers starting at 1 and ending on the button at 3. It's called ownership. Its America. Its rugged. Cause I'm from Texas, even though I passed through Greenwich, CT on the way, and stopped off at Yale and Harvard to nail things down, before I decided to talk funny like this.

I want you to think I am stupid because the stupid bird gets the worm and I'm the hen in the fox house, like you. Shrewd as a nickel. And as sharp as a blunt object.

The docs are hurtin'. We gotta help 'em. If all the OB/GYN docs leave town, what's gonna happen to all the yeast infections. If you think bird flu or AIDS is a problem, ya haven't seen yeast grow. Its like a blob. If we have that much yeast around it will affect the beer market. Heh, heh, heh.

So hop onto the wagon with your $5000 and get a deductible for $10,000. It means you can't get sick until you are already sick and paid up with $10,000 of your own hard earned tax free money. Its is a good deal for everyone who will never have insurance of any kind.

And don't blame it on minimum wage. Anyone can live on $5.15 an hour if they apply themselves. Its hard work. And God is behind you. All it takes is God and working 3 jobs, living in the back seat of your car, and taking those math and science courses at the local college. So gas up that car and go to college. I did. And look at me.

We don't want anyone suing the docs. So stop it. They are pestering me. Everyone who has a yeast infection here, "raise your hand". OK. Now stop applauding. OK. Now applaud. OK. Put your hands down. There. Its settled. Everyone wants to help the docs and get the Health Saving Account.

Everyone's hurtin' today. The drug companies too. Their drugs are triple and you get much more, that's for sure. We're trying to get the price down. But they won't listen. We watch them like a hawk. And they can raise the prices as much as they want but we'll keep watching them. They can't stop us. If you are elderly and you need prescription medications just check out my new Medicare Prescription Drug Plan Part D. It's called Part D because A, B, and C were already taken. So we came up with D. If you are old don't worry. You won't be around long so what's the point. And you have my plan as a backup. The drug companies charge triple what they do in Canada but we can still cut the pills into thirds. All ya need is a good eye and a sharp knife.

We have a big program in Afghanistan to open up the heroin market. Its a success. They are now producing 90% of the worlds heroin drug traffic. Its another American success story. And it affects our kids too. Its good for America. We need competition. China isn't going to take over our heroin production when we can get it directly from our friend and ally Afghanistan. Not while I'm President.

I took $12 billion away from the college student loan program. Some people say "Why?". I say, "Why not?". Besides college kids can't be trusted. Would you trust a college kid with $12 billion of your money. I doubt they'll ever pay it back. We can spend it in Iraq. And in Iraq it's money well spent 'cause it's for freedom and democracy, not partying in some frat house with a bunch of liberals. Christian colleges. That's a different story. They got the faith. So we don't tax 'em.

So lets all work together on all of this. It was good to see you today as I always have. The liberals don't understand and it not their fault. They're using hindsight, not wisdom, like my teeth. Ya cant have 20/20 foreskin and expect to see anything in true prescription. 20/20 is 20 divided by 20 which equals 1. So what do liberals know anyway. That's why we need more math and less science.

And God Bless America because you like to hear me say that. And why not today. You can't win an election without God. Try it. It will never fly. If you don't say "God" people, like you, will start to think something is fishy, like I don't like the Bible. And God was a fisherman if I remember right. He caught the Bible in the net and created good things from it. Just like I am trying to do, with the help of you, because we are all in this together.

And remember, 70 million Americans don't have health insurance of any kind. They're not poor either. They're smart. Why have health insurance when you're not sick and how sick can they be if they are still alive. If they're alive they can work. If they can work they can work hard and do hard work. And if they can do hard work it can be for minimum wage. Hey, we can't all be illegal Mexicans making $10 an hour. They come from far away places, like Mexico, to put bread on their table. So we can't deny them. They're our guests and can apply for the "guest worker program" so they can sneak over the border and we won't lay a glove on them. As long as they go deep into the heartland and enjoy America with the rest of Central America, China, India and wherever you come from. It's a gravy train, so don't miss it. Hop aboard.

So why have health insurance when you can own your own. We gotta help out the insurance CEO's. They're hurtin' buckaroos. They got big penguins to retire on but they can't spend it 'till they finish with you, so let's all help 'em, in the Spirit of New Orleans. If you want your health just vote Republican 'cause we'll sell it to you, for a dime on the fraction, if ya know what I mean.

We've gotta a lot of work to do here in the heartland of America. We've got Multiplication Sclerosis to attack. And we have Parker Son's Disease. That's a downer 'cause ya shake all over. We can cure cancer in your lifetime, so live a long time so we can make it. And don't get it or it will be over for you. AIDS too. I'm going to pay a lot of lip service to AIDS and my good friend Karl Rove told me to tell ya. I got a vision. It's about the world. I call it the Vision of America. No one is sick. No one is poor. No one is stupid. No one is Black. And we are all happy about it. OK. You can stop applauding. Even that soldier with the one arm. Heh, heh, heh.

Some people look at other people and say, "What da F**k". I look at people and say, "F**k 'em".

America can do better. That's why I'm here. We can do better. Look at me.

I already came up with a cure for the Bird Flu. Don't touch any birds. That's it. Case closed.

Did ya notice the evildoers are gone. I haven't mentioned 'em since a while because I don't want to scare you until it's time. I traveled up on the pile of rubble and with the bullhorn said, "Let's get da folks who knocked da buildings down". And did we get them. Not on your life. Why kill the goose that is laying the gander. They can lead us to others. And those others will lead us to still others. And then even more. Kind of like how Mary Kay Cosmetics works. So if ya know a terrorist don't turn him in. Just follow him. And let me know. Dial 1-800-Hi.It's Me I'm At The White House, and then leave a message. My secret code is #2. That will get ya right ta me.

So I'm inviting all Americans to climb the pile of rubble with me. Bring your bullhorn and we'll hug a fireman together. I wish I was at the World Trade Center on 9/11 'cause I would have jumped too. It was hot. And it was high. And I would have been right there behind you, health insurance or no health insurance. They're all fallen heroes. And they fell a long way to prove it. But we can only go up from here. And we will, 'cause this is America. Freedom and democracy are on the march in Iraq. And so are the pink elephants. Heh, heh, heh. Hey, if ya can't laugh at least ya can cry.

Did we know 9/11 was going to happen? You bet your bottom dollar. And I can prove it. Condi told me she had a memo that said they were comin' with planes and they will fly into our buildings. And they flew in. I knew it. I said to her, "Holy Shit". So we went on vacation 'cause it's stressful knowin' stuff like that. So you're either with me, or I'm against you, as they say. And it happened. Just like that. Poooof. It's nice being right but ya don't want to get caught at it too many times.

Don't listen to the Liberals because they know what they are talkin' about and that's the last thing we need right now. We need to shoot from the hip because we're not going to hit anything anyway. So why aim our sights on anything. It's fruitfuless.

The liberals will just take us down the path to sanity. Is that what you want? No. I didn't think so. We've been down the path of sanity before. Did it work out? You bet your bottom dollar it did. So why do it. They only have solutions. They never have any problems. America isn't like that. We always go for the goal. And after the goal we go for the neck..

I've been your President for five odd years now, or thereabouts. And remember what I said before I said all this. I'm not a divider. I'm a tire. When I took over this nation it was one. But I made it diverse. I brought it together into many. Some will tell you I can't divide. But I can. I'm a tire. Tires bridge people together into a single string. I'm the bridge and you're the string. End of discussion.

All the liberals want to do is complain and have peace and balance the budget, and have prosperous times. We can do better than that. We can have our cake and eat me too. Better to spend a dollar now than have a dime saved in the future when inflation deflates it into a nickel. They can chew on that.

Liberals want to redefine marriage. I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is like a coin. You have two sides: heads and tails. That's marriage. Men are the heads and women are the tails. So let's flip the coin. There. See. It came up heads. Now I'll flip it again. Whoops. It came up heads again. It's suppose to come up tails. It tried this at home and it worked there. Anyway, don't be a one-sided coin. God started marriage. Why screw it up now. Marriage goes back millions of years, before evolution. That's my stand.

If my son was gay I'd still love him. But I wouldn't shake his hand. Everyone's gotta draw the line somewhere. Someone in my office has a lesbian daughter. I've never met a lesbian who wasn't a daughter. So how bad can it be. It's Dick Cheney. Sen. Kerry let that cat out of the bag, so I didn't say it first. Nuff said.

Let's talk about cloning. Cloning destroys life. If there was two of you it would destroy life. I'm for life. Clones are against life. Don't be a clone. Be regular. Clones are like gays. It's not normal. So let's not do it. If God wanted more than one person he would have created more. God didn't want clones around. It's too many. It's almost two of the same person. It's like looking in a mirror, so don't. People are different so we might as well keep them the same. That's why I'm not a divider. I'm a tire. And remember your one times table. One times one equals two. If we go beyond that we are in unchartered territory. Clones. So let's move on together, as one.

As you know, me and my bride, Laura had twins. We only had sex once but two people popped out. Figure that one out. Anyway, twins are not clones. My twins don't even look alike so they are two different people. Some twins look alike. That's called identical. That's not clones. So don't confuse the two or you'll never tell them apart. Clones are separate. They are two different people. Twins are identical. So they are not. Let's move on so we can discuss a lot more and wrap this up in its entirety.

Americans are the most conductive workers in the world. It's called conductivity. High is good. Low is bad. So just remember that. Ford just laid a lot of people. Some say 30,000 people got laid. Some say more. As the amount of people go down, conductivity goes up. Before Ford became a car he was a person and he was very conductive because he had no people. He didn't even have his assembly line or mass conduction. Then he started hiring people. Things went downhill. And he started the famous Ford assembly line. Conductivity started going down. And people started buying lots of cars so he hired more people. It got worse and worse. Every time he hired more people, he sold more cars. He wasn't a good businessman, like me.

So where did Ford end up. Down, that's were. But he smartened up; or smartened down, always in the right direction. Now he's doing fine. Laying off lots of people. Sending 'em to China, India, and Indiana. Overseas. Ford has a long way to go before it becomes conductive again. It still has 130,000 employees that have to get laid and then that will be the last of it. We can't compete with China. They have over one billion Chinese. We only have a few and they live in Chinatown. Some of them are software programmers and the rest deliver food. How can we compete with that? It's easy. And we'll never do it. It's hard work. We can do it. So hop on board. With me. Your President. I've got it all figured out. If you can't trust your President who can you trust him for? Tell me that.

How many people here today are liberals? None. Good. They wouldn't let you in if you were. Heh, heh, heh.

So just sit back and enjoy the ride cause I'm safe and the more you like me, the safer I get.

And God Bless America. Because He has the time. And I can't do all the work. I'm only the Preznit.


James Boyne is a freelance writer who is a regular contributor to many Progressive web sites. If you had a good laugh you can let him know at

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