Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Lyndon Hood: Self-Publicising with the Politicians

Self-Publicising with the Politicians

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Click for big version

With Rodney Hide's first appearance on Dancing with the Stars and Heather Roy joining the Territorials, we may see a wave of politicians finding tangential and questionably effective ways to promote themselves. Scoop brings you a few of the most likely possibilities:

Helen Clark will become a television newsreader. It's only "four minutes on air a day" after all, and it wouldn't be political interference because everyone knows newsreaders have no influence over the content. "Good news" face may cause alarm, though.

Murray McCully will feature in the launch of a new series, Abusing the Judiciary with the Lawyer-MPs.

To connect with National's rural heartland, Maurice Williamson will get a job stacking hay. This job is normally done mechanically these days, but it seems appropriate for a man that likes to keep things bundled.

Civil Defence Minister Rick Barker will also do a stint on a farm. Left to watch the sheep, he will be castigated both for failing to sound the alarm at the early possibility of a wolf and for not telling everyone there isn't a wolf when somebody else says there is.

Taito Phillip Field will become an apprentice roofer. Not a high-profile job, but think of the trouble it would have saved.

David Cunliffe will appear as a guest host on Animal Planet. If he's trying to track down a mole anyway, he may as well make the most of it.

Steve Maharey and Bill English will both sit a full NCEA course, so we can settle this once and for all.

Having revealed a unique superpower by prophesying drought and bringing rain to the hydro lakes, Don Brash will take his powers to Australia and the world, becoming a global humanitarian icon.

Dr Brash is also expected to appear in the next series of Lost.

Winston Peters will take a stint as New Zealand's Foreign Minister. I know it sounds unlikely, but he might make a decent fist at it and it's got to be better than being leader of a dead end party like New Zealand First.

Nandor Tanzcos will host a new garden makeover show. Scoop clearly remembers hearing something about him and "the wisdom of weeds" so he should be sweet.

Following the passing of his probationary employment bill, Wayne Mapp will be fired from his post as Political Correctness Eradicator with no reason given.

David Parker will tour a circus sideshow in which he falls on his sword without doing himself any harm.

Contrary to expectations, Rodney Hide will be returned to Dancing with the Stars despite falling below the required threshold, as he will win a majority of the vote in his local dance partnerate.

Heather Roy will invade Iran.


© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Jan Rivers: The New Zealanders Involved In Brexit

There are a number who have strong connections to New Zealand making significant running on either side of the contested and divisive decision to leave the European Union. More>>

Rawiri Taonui: The Rise, Fall And Future Of The Independent Māori Parties

Earlier this month the Māori Party and Mana Movement reflected on the shock loss of their last parliamentary seat in this year’s election. It is timely to consider their future. More>>

Don Rennie: Is It Time To Take ACC Back To First Principles?

The word “investing” has played a major part in the operations of the ACC since 1998... More>>

Using Scoop Professionally? Introducing ScoopPro

ScoopPro is a new offering aimed at ensuring professional users get the most out of Scoop and support us to continue improving it so that Scoop continues to exist as a public service for all New Zealanders. More>>