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Lyndon Hood: Foreign Affairs Briefs

Satire: Foreign Affairs Briefs


by Lyndon Hood

Slighted McCain Vows to Destroy New Zealand
Nations Not Exactly Cueing Up to Join Lebanon Peacekeeping Force for Some Reason
Tsunami Sequel Disappoints Critics

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Senator McCain
attack the beehive with the power of his
wrath

Slighted McCain Vows to Destroy New Zealand

Having been interrupted by Winston Peters, US Senator John McCain - a likely presidential candidate - has abandoned his previously favourable stance towards New Zealand and now plans to "wipe it off the face of the earth" at the first opportunity.

The unconscionable rudeness of New Zealand's Foreign Minister has sent the normally affable senator into a state variously described as "pique" or "apocalyptic wrath".

During the intervening week, McCain has been repeatedly heard to mutter, "Interrupt me will he? Nuclear ships, huh? I'll give them nuclear."

McCain is expected to campaign for the Republican presidential nomination on a return to core values, his reputation for honesty and "bombing New Zealand until it's a glass crater on the pacific seabed".

Commentators believe this "total annihilation" plan may impact negatively on the prospects for a US-NZ free trade deal.

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Nations Not Exactly Cueing Up to Join Lebanon Peacekeeping Force for Some Reason

UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan today expressed annoyance at the sudden dearth of nations volunteering to participate in a mooted UN force in South Lebanon.

"I don't understand," Annan told media during an informal briefing, "everyone said it was such a good idea on Monday."

The Secretary-General expressed annoyance that, whenever a country was approached, it would offer some vague, transparent excuse and suggest some other nation instead.

"Honestly," he said, "it's like asking who's to blame for the collapse of the Doha round."

"If it wasn't for the support of Trinidad and Tobago, I would just flag the whole thing and let the Middle East keep it's own damn peace."

Trinidad and Tobago was the only country which, when volunteers for the new mission were called for, did not take one step backwards.

In related news, Israel has denied that bombing much of the nation of Lebanon over the actions of one group constitutes practising collective punishment.

"I wouldn't call it practise," explained Israel, "We're already so good at it."

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Tsunami Sequel Disappoints Critics

The long-awaited follow-up to Indonesia's record-breaking 2004 tsunami has disappointed critics. More than a week after opening, the "underwhelming" disaster has conspicuously failed to generate a buzz among media or punters worldwide.

The original death wave was the out-of-nowhere smash hit of the 2004 Christmas season. It received saturation media coverage for weeks and put Indonesia on the map as a disaster centre to be reckoned with.

"The earthquake they had earlier this year was - if on a smaller scale than BoxDay04 - a genuine disaster," explained disaster critic Tony Pan, "but it was ruined by unfair worldwide expectations. Everyone was like, 'Where is the big wave?'."

"But this one? There's nothing new here. And they haven't even got their formula right. Sure, there's Indonesia, there's an earthquake and a big wave. But it's not bigger or more destructive than the last one. They seem to have missed the whole point. This is nothing but a trailer for part three - people won't like that."

"This isn't a tragedy that high-paying Western audiences can care about. Like that Mumbai bombing - sure, it's big bombs on trains, but audiences needs to have sympathy with protagonists. Mumbai was no London."

Low income from the current tsunami may cause the cancellations of the planned third instalment, "Tsumani: Apocalypse".

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