Kiwi Herald: Brash Announces Alternative Government

Scoop Note: News too good to be true from the chronicle of Moenui - proud holder of the 'Northern Region Best Kept Grass Verge Award'

Don Brash announced the formation of a "National Government in exile" today after Helen Clark dismissed his calls for a fresh election as "grandstanding." Speaking from the main stand at Athletic Park Dr Brash said that his Party could no longer stand by "while Ms Clark and her band of thieves refuse to hand back the stolen election."

The National Party would instead be vacating parliament and establishing it's own "People's Government" outside the Fish and Chip Shop in Kaiaua.

Dr Brash said that the idea of the alternative Government came when a delegation lead by Gerry Brownlee and Tau Henare came to his office saying that they regarded opposition as a hollow exercise while Bellamy's was not serving Fish and Chips for lunch because of the current gas outage.

"I ventured that I had some mexican corn chips and guacamole in the fridge leftover from Monday's caucus and Lockwood Smith, as sharp as a banker's pencil said, 'If we were in Mexico we would be setting up an alternative Government right now.' Next thing you know Tau, whose experience of Government is of it being a moveable feast, convinced us that we should set up our own Government and take it to the people, or at least where they gather for a feed. We are starting at the famous Kaiaua Fish and Chip shop and then on Thursday we will head off to the Happy Wok in Botany Downs where we will probably introduce a flat tax rate."

Dr Brash denied charges from Labour that he would be breaking bread with the Exclusive Brethren in Hamilton saying that "even if it were true, which it most clearly is not, it would be better than dining with the devil at Bellamy's."

Meanwhile a Kiwi Herald Poll has found that 81 percent of New Zealanders want Labour to pay back the $446,000 of taxpayer money the party spent on its pledge card. Most provided the Herald with their bank account details so the money could be returned by direct credit.

More News: 'Brown Brother' Says Gifts Innocent

Moenui Country Councillor Peter Brown was defending himself today against charges of receiving gifts from constituents, saying that the light aircraft and Mercedes Benz delivered to his house this morning were Fathers Day presents.

Mr Brown who has a pet Labrador but no children, said that the gifts had come from constituents who regard him as a "father figure - and rightfully so."

"There are a lot of fatherless people out there in the community, people who have tragically lost their Dad or sometimes never known him. Hell, it's only natural that in their search for a dad-figure they turn to a leader and provider like myself."

Mr Brown reacted angrily to suggestions that accepting of gifts from constituents was not appropriate saying "It's always the Brown boys who get it in the neck isn't it? What about that skinny four-eyes bugger who leads the National Party. Jeez those scarf wearers gave him a million smackers in koha and what happenened? Bugger all that's what."

Local policeman Frank Tawhai told the Kiwi Herald that he would look into the matter of Mr Brown's gifts. Speaking from a Fathers Day Barbeque where he was enjoying a couple of crayfish supplied by grateful citizens the Constable commented that "I've arranged to meet with Mr Brown. We'll be taking a spin in the Cesna and I'll be asking him the hard questions."

The investigation into Peter Brown's activities follows an earlier police inquiry in 2005 when Mr Brown signed an original Colin Macahon with his own name and gifted it to a school fete. On that occasion the Councillor was cleared of intentional wrong-doing after he explained that "the picture was obviously one Col had dashed off when he was on the piss. Honestly it was just black and white shapes with a whole heap of words scrawled over it. He would have been embarrassed as hell to know that somebody was selling it. I put my name on it to cover for the poor old joker."

ENDS

Deaf Ears: Speaker On Support For Mojo Mathers

Scoop Audio: In a press conference this afternoon Speaker Lockwood Smith defended his handling of requests for support for profoundly deaf MP Mojo Mathers' participation in Parliament, and said he was "deeply concerned" by the way the issue had been portrayed.

Earlier today the Greens said they had been told they would have to fund support Mathers requires out of their own budget. More>>