The 2006 Scoop Awards
Fifth Columnist of the Year – Michael Bassett
In 'The Hollow Men' - a book filled with skull-duggery and political intrigue Fairfax's former supposedly independent columnist Michael Bassett certainly stands out. When the good Dr Bassett is not sticking the knife into then National leader Bill English whilst advising the man gunning for his job Dr Don Brash, he's off busily attempting to make life miserable for New Zealand's poorest citizens. According to Mr Hager's tome Dr Bassett added inflammatory phrases to Dr Brash's Orewa II speech regarding beneficiaries 'ripping off the system' and using 'stand-over tactics' to get benefits. For this Dr Bassett receives a special additional honour:
Louis 17th medal For Hatred of the Poor – Michael Bassett
Lee Tamahori Award for Best Handbag - Tana Umaga
For his deft use of one to encourage better behaviour from Hurricanes team mate Chris Masoe.
NZ Post Packing Team Award – Rodney Hide
Kept 'Dancing with the Stars' allegedly through a Beehive texting campaign that will see the pledge card spending dwarfed, ACT leader Rodney Hide packed a powerful foxtrot punch. Mr Hide gets the package handling award named for the rogues at New Zealand Post for his throwing Krystal will-nilly around the Avalon studio floor.
According to sources close to New Zealand's most beloved TV studios, cleaners are still finding shards of Krystal located around where she was dropped by the butter-fingered new right economic hit man. There are unconfirmed reports that staring into Krystal, and foreseeing a future of not being mentioned in Peter Dunne's "Worst Behaved MPs" list, caused him to loose his grip.
The Java Mud Volcano Award For Most Drawn Out Disaster - TaitoPledgePhillipCardFieldGate
And about all this more than enough has already been said.
Sensible Sentences Award
.. using sentences to mean grammatical constructions.....
"In a statement released today the Trust said Charlie George Baker who was jailed for 18 years for Liam’s murder had a long list of previous convictions – many for serious violent offences – and should not have been on the streets to commit yet another crime."
- Wednesday, 20 December 2006, Sensible Sentencing Trust press release
Indeed it is true that Baker was on the streets of Auckland when he murdered Liam Ashley – however Baker was being driven through the streets of Auckland being transferred from one prison to another by Chubb security.
Runner Up – Hone Harawira – Maori Party MP and Eco-worrier
"Restarting Marsden B will also hasten global warming and break up the polar caps. I mean for heaven’s sakes, last week we had big chunks of Antarctica floating right up onto our doorstep, and you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that means something’s wrong. The last time that happened was called an Ice Age."
Hone Harawira's Ae Marika Column, late November 2006
Powerco Award For Most Beneficial Leak - Michael Ryan & Nicky Hager's Sources
A tie between the cyclist guy for dropping the unbundling announcement early - deflecting all blame for the drop in Telecom's share price from the Government onto a single Parliamentary messenger - and Nicky Hager's (six) sources, for facilitating the smooth transition to a newer, slicker National Party leader, a process which seems incidentally to have controlled all other damage the book might have caused.
Croxley Stationary Award – Trevor Mallard
For the heartiest assault using recyclable material on Bob "The-Builder" Clarkson.
Rawleighs Balm Award – Rt Hon Winston Peters
For contraction of atypical tropical strains via spider bite while on duty as a Foreign Affairs Minister.
Diebold/911/Negroponte Award for Best Consipracy - Classified
Scoop received an number of nominations for this award - in the form of anonymous phone calls, and notes wrapped around hurled bricks - despite the fact the very existence of this category in this year's award list was company secret discussed only via encrypted faxes.
Nicky Hager's collaboration with the SIS to bring down Don Brash and Helen Clark's personal control of the New Zealand justice system put in a good showing, and the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy was as grand as usual, but after careful consideration we decided not to tell you who won.
Jim Anderton Award For Best Legal High - Nicky Hager
The Hollow Men: Crack cocaine for political junkies. The book is starting to wear off, Nicky. We need more emails to stop the cramps.
The Heaven's Gate Award For Greatest Failure Of Predictive Powers - Darren Hughes
"Nicky Hager states:
“Don Brash had a deeply cynical approach to winning the votes of those whom Brash described as [omitted owing to the injunction].” I want to know from Don Brash how he describes the New Zealand people in his email when he is talking about us, because the court said that it could not be printed, and it is quite clear here that it has been omitted. I want to know what language Don Brash uses when he is casually referring to the New Zealand people when talking to his colleagues. We know that Nicky Hager states that his approach is “deeply cynical”, so why does Don Brash not take a call and tell us how he talks about New Zealanders? I suspect that that will be one of the most embarrassing things for the National Party when the information comes out."
- Darren Hughes, General Debate, Wednesday, 22 November 2006
Mr Hughes was clearly hoping for expletives after the fashion of Richard Nixon in the Watergate tapes or some aristocratic dismissal in the style of Marie Antoinette, Brash is in fact quoted as referring to "punters out in punterland".
The Marie Antoinette Award For Most Inflammatory Form Of Commentary - Cartoons depicting the prophet Mohamed
The Paul of Tarsus Award For Most Spectacular Conversion - The National Party
Having gone from "We must do nothing about climate change" to "Why are we not doing enough about climate change", Scoop looks forward to what National can achieve on Maori issues in the new year.
Dilmah Loose leaf award – Bryan Sinclair
Currently Australia-based political strategist Bryan Sinclair nobly took a year and a half off from being a hard nosed political go-to guy and instead concentrated on chair arranging and keeping former leader Dr Don Brash well hydrated – at least according to National's former Deputy leader Gerry Brownlee. It would also appear that Mr Sinclair, when not stalking draughty halls and rustling up his 100th brew of the day, indulged in a spot of emailing political advice – none of which was probably taken, such was Mr Sinclair's vital role in the kitchen.
Darrell Hair Award for most contentious hair - Brian Connell
Meta-Award for "Person of the year" of the year - You
That's what Time said, so who are we to disagree? That's right, you. The one sitting staring at the computer screen reading best of 2006 lists like there's nothing better you could be doing. The consensus is that Time was really talking about Web 2.0, so it's a bit like commending the operation of an asylum by awarding a prize to the lunatics. Or they meant to write "YouTube" but the cover was too narrow.