Scoop Satire: Sit-Down Toilets In Our Prisons!

Just days after the National Party revealed that prisoners were able to play petanque and golf on a strip of grass with tin cans as holes, a Scoop investigation has found that prisoners are using sit down toilets.

Scoop can also reveal that scrabble is played in our prisons and that one prisoner claimed that playing the game not only “passed the time” but provided him with a degree of “cred” among the other prisoners.

The prisoner admitted to having stolen newspapers during his short stints on the outside to increase his vocabulary and knowledge of international affairs. (He was particularly partial to airfreighted copies of Australian and English newspapers, which he found more to his taste than the Dominion Post.)

Prisoners are also regularly being fed three meals a day – meals which often include meat, peas and even potatoes, and this at a time when there are otherwise law-abiding citizens rioting around the world because they can’t afford to buy staples such as rice.

National Party Justice & Corrections Simon Power says it’s typical of an out of touch Correction Department that it deems sit-down toilets necessary when there are literally billions of people around the world using squat toilets.

“Squat toilets are good enough for presidents and even royalty in some parts of the world but they’re not good enough for the run-of –the-mill New Zealand criminal,” Mr Power said.

“Everyone knows that if a person spends too long in an institution that is anything other than extremely harsh and unpleasant they risk becoming institutionalised,” Mr Power told Scoop over lunch at Bellamy’s (The quail, asparagus, grilled pepper, and Riesling were superb.)

Mr Power says it’s time for a total rethink of our prisons. “Look, in South Auckland we have people living in the most appalling conditions, in privately owned hostels. Law abiding, decent people living in over-crowded, rat infested institutions. Meanwhile, our publicly owned prisons have central heating, catering and even wide-screen TVs.

“Why not do a swap?” he asked. “We could force prisoners to live in the private sector… and we could open our prisons to the layabouts who currently can’t afford anything better than those South Auckland hovels.

“It’s a win-win. The country’s criminals would finally know real punishment and should the poor and downtrodden in this country get to the point where they feel the need to riot over the price of food containing them would simply be a matter of turning a key.”

[Footnote: The scrabble playing prisoner is the only part of this story that is not fiction.

-- D.N.C.]

[Editor's note: Since the writing of this article as select committee inquiry into the Department of Corrections has been announced. This is expected resolve Simon Power's problems by determining exactly what recreational pastimes are acceptable in prisions.

For example, Happy families will be allowed. It's special deck cannot conveniently be used to play poker (which is no better than barbecues) or contract bridge (which is redolent of underfloor heating). The latter consideration also rules out croquet.

Monopoly sets contain parts that could be used for nefarious purposes and the perils of Cluedo are obvious, but tiddlywinks will be permitted. The New Zealand First representative is expected to ensure that Mah Jong is right out.

Orienteering will be discouraged.

-- L.H.]

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