Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Colossal Squid "Not Nearly As Tasty As Hoped"

Scientists Report Colossal Squid "Not Nearly As Tasty As We Had Hoped"

Scoop Satire - well, humour of something anyway - by Lyndon Hood


TASTINESS OF MESONYCHOTEUTHIS HAMILTONI:
A CASE STUDY


Abstract:

The research team investigated the tastiness of the colossal squid (Mesonychoteuthis Hamiltoni). A complete specimen was dressed and prepared using a variety of traditional methods. All tests found the squid to be not delicious in any way.


Introduction:

On February 22, 2007, it was announced that the largest known Colossal Squid had been captured. The specimen was frozen and taken to the Te Papa museum in Wellington, New Zealand.

In late April 2008 the research team assembled with the intention of conducting anatomical and physiological investigation of the specimen. However, during the extended defrosting process it was discovered over a beer that all of the researchers were really quite curious about how the specimen tasted.

Various sizes of squid are used in local cuisines around the world and squid forms a popular component of a typical fisherman's platter. Researchers speculated that the meat of the colossal squid would taste "squiddy", "gamey" or "kind of more-flavourless, like how those overlarge chicken breast don't have much taste". It was also observed that there was "plenty of eating" on the specimen.

We therefore resolved to test the hypothesis that the squid would be delicious.


Method:

The specimen was divided into cuts and tested using various traditional squid preparation methods. Although some used relatively small pieces, other dishes proved problematic. The insistence that an authentic paella must contain at least one complete tentacle necessitated an unusually large oven. Similarly, the colossal squid ring required the construction of a colossal deep fryer.

On completion, the dishes were presented to a panel of subject/experimenters and assessed for flavour, texture and presentation.

Despite a high attrition rate due to medical emergencies, the team persisted in sampling various organs for several days in the hope the whole exercise would not prove a waste of time and the further hope that ammonia would prove to be an 'acquired taste'.


Results:

Results were disappointing.

No dish was rated as delicious or even bland, with almost all described as "unbearably horrible" or "actual, literal torture". However results are currently unclear with respect to the first trial dish - sashimi - as the test subjects have yet to regain the power of speech.

Prising the squid's sucker-hooks out of one's gums and tongue was agreed to be the most pleasant part of the experience, as the pain dulled the sense of taste.

With specific regard to the experimental colossal squid ring, one subject reported that no matter how much tartare sauce he put on it was still "like eating tractor tyres fried in caustic soda".

Psychological effects were also noted. While the eye - itself large enough to feed several people - had a comparatively non-unendurably flavoured fluid with the texture of a creamy soup, the subject reported difficult eating the dish because of "this enormous eye staring at me".

Despite the large international group of scientists invloved in the experiment, the overwhelming majority of the squid was left uneaten.


Discussion:

Overall, the colossal squid tasted even worse than a giant squid - something this researcher would not hitherto have considered possible. It also had a generally unpleasant texture, was extremely difficult to prepare and almost impossible to eat.

It has been agreed that the carcass will be left to marinate in public for an indefinite period, in the hope that, after the example of olives, the flavour and texture will soften with time.

It is however the opinion of this researcher that the remains should either be thrown out as not even good enough for fast food or fed to a sufficiently large cat. I know there's supposed to be a food shortage on and everything but I swear, even if this thing washed up in Brazil it would only be good for making footballs.

The failure to confirm the hypothesis is especially disappointing in light of ongoing success in taste-centred investigation of endangered species by the Institute of Cetacean Research.

Further research in the field of colossal squid tastiness is earnestly discouraged.


********

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Franklin Lamb From The Middle East: Social Control Is Emerging As ISIS (Da’ish) Motive

It is widely recognized that the damage done to our cultural heritage in Syria and to the heritage of those who will follow us, cannot be calculated... Heretofore, three varying but cogent explanations for ISIS’ rabid destruction of our shared cultural heritage have been commonplace. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Myopia Of The Business News

Listening to the business news is a bit like eavesdropping on the radio transmissions from space aliens. There is no discernible connection between the concerns of the captains of these space ships – the bank economists and the finance house spokesmen – and the concerns of ordinary listeners back on Planet Earth. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On Clinton, Sanders, Trump And Cruz

Come November, the world will have a new US president-elect and the least unlikely winner still looks to be Hillary Clinton. Right now though, the polls are showing a rocky stretch ahead for her in the immediate future. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: Sean Penn And El Chapo - Vanity, Hollywood And Reportage

Leaving aside Sean Penn’s personal history with drug use, let alone alleged efforts to get a slice of celebrity in portraying a drug lord, the furore surrounding his interview with El Chapo is instructive in a few respects. One is worth noting: the blind rage it has provoked with some US political figures and advocates who show how utterly lacking in understanding they are of their own liberal market system... More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On Podemos, And Spain’s Election Stalemate

By hard grassroots effort, it convincingly rejected the fragmented, individualising forces that had shaped political life for the past few decades – instead, it organized its supporters on the basis of their common, communal experience via collective decision-making aimed at rolling back (a) the austerity-driven cutbacks in public services and (b) the home evictions of those unable to meet their mortgage payments. More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Merkel, Refugees And The Cologne Attacks

Huge pressure was already on Angela Merkel’s shoulders prior to the New Year celebrations. When it came in its waves of chaos on the eve, the security services in Cologne were found wanting. The police document from Cologne, leaked to Der Spiegel, speaks of chaos and lack of control. More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news