Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Scoop Satire: Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Satire by Lyndon Hood
Which means it is not, Colin, to be understood as true

At a surprise press conference this morning, Conservative Party leader Colin Craig and Civilian Party leader Ben Uffindell announced plans to form an alliance to contest the 2014 General Election.

A new political vehicle, the ConVilian Party, will seek the party vote. Uffindell explained the the Civilian Party's core values of llamas, free ice cream and declaring independence from Hamilton would be enhanced by wider policies of binding referenda, tougher penalties for criminals and having had enough of the gays for now thanks,

The arrangement has been described as "within the rules".

Uffindell created the Civilian Party following the success of his satirical internet website The Civilian. The Conservative Party is also a real political party with actual members.

Asked whether an alliance between an iconoclastic mocker of the status quo and a rich white man who personifies everything that's ludicrous about the establishment seemed unlikely, Craig explained that "apparently that's the way these things normally work".

Craig said he was exciting by the deal, as he had bought himself a political party before but had never go one second hand.

Uffindell denied he had abandoned his principles for a bit of campaign cash, saying it was in fact a "quite staggering amount" of campaign cash and "a rather sizable donation to me personally".

He also said the parties were a natural match: "People tend to assume my party is satirical and my policies must be some kind of ironic joke, but of course I deny that utterly," he said, "So we already have that in common. Also, we both became famous the same way – when Colin threatened to sue me."

Negotiations, which have went on in secret for some weeks, concluded after Uffindell walked past a Conservative Party election hoarding and "fell into depths of Colin's intense, endless stare". Uffindell described waking from "the blissful, blinding darkness" in the knowledge that Colin Craig was a lovely chap who knew a thing or two about how the country should be run.

Craig confirmed that the hypnotic effect of his billboards was "a thing".

The parties hope to enhance their prospects by uniting the Conservative's utterly sub-threshold poll results with The Civilian's mildly engaged Facebook following. But Craig revealed an additional motive for the move.

"John Key has definitively ruled out doing an electorate deal with me. Well what about Ben here? Huh? Huh?? Sounds like a maybe!! I've spent a lot more money on more worse election strategies."

"Not that I know what John's problem with a deal is. I mean, he gave Act a deal. We'd bring more than one MP into Parliament if we were elected. Is that it? Were we too popular? I can stop consistently polling above one per cent if I really try! Was it not enough Maori bashing, John? But I have all those policies too! Did I just not use enough difficult words with the racism?"

"Or do we have too few convicted criminals to be considered a potential coalition partner? Is that it? I can change!"

Craig then lept up, punched a journalist in the face and fled the room with their wallet shouting, "Look John, look! I can do crimes!"

Prime Minister John Key refuse to be drawn on potential coalition deals until after the election.

********

You can follow Lyndon Hood on Twitter.

If you want to leave a comment this might be a place.


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Werewolf: Artificial Intelligence: Real Anxieties?

The movie Ex Machina feels so current there are powerful moments of recognition – despite the seemingly unlikely scenario of a walking, talking artificial intelligence (AI). Right now Google is enlisting its massive databases, drawing on the contents of every email and Internet search ever made, in the service of what has been called ‘the Manhattan Project of AI’. More>>

ALSO:

Open Source, Open Society: More Than Just Transparency

Bill Bennett: “Share and share alike” is the message parents drum into children. But once they grow up and move out into the wider world, the shutters start to come down. We’re trained to be closed. Dave Lane, president of the New Zealand Open Source Society, says that explains the discomfort people find when they first encounter the open world. More>>

ALSO:

Werewolf: Journalism, History And Forgetting

Compare that [the saturation coverage of WWI] not just with the thinly reported anniversaries last year of key battles in the New Zealand Wars, but with the coverage of the very consequential present-day efforts to remedy the damage those wars wrought, and the picture is pretty dismal. More>>

ALSO:

Werewolf: Climate Of Fear

New Zealand, promoting itself as an efficient producer, has been operating as a factory farm for overseas markets with increasing intensity ever since the introduction of refrigerated shipping in 1882. The costs to native forests and to bio-diversity have been outlandish. The discussion of impacts has been minimal... More>>

ALSO:

Greek Riddles: Gordon Campbell On The Recent Smackdown Over Greece

There had been a fortnight of fevered buildup. Yet here we are in the aftermath of the February 28 showdown between the new Syriza government in Greece and the European Union “troika” and… no-one seems entirely sure what happened. Did the asteroid miss Earth? More>>

ALSO:

Keith Rankin: Contribution Through Innovation

The economic contribution of businesses and people is often quite unrelated to their taxable incomes. EHome, as a relatively new company, may have never earned any taxable income. Its successors almost certainly will earn income and pay tax. Yet it was eHome itself who made the biggest contribution by starting the venture in the first place. More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news