Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Scoop Satire: Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Satire by Lyndon Hood
Which means it is not, Colin, to be understood as true

At a surprise press conference this morning, Conservative Party leader Colin Craig and Civilian Party leader Ben Uffindell announced plans to form an alliance to contest the 2014 General Election.

A new political vehicle, the ConVilian Party, will seek the party vote. Uffindell explained the the Civilian Party's core values of llamas, free ice cream and declaring independence from Hamilton would be enhanced by wider policies of binding referenda, tougher penalties for criminals and having had enough of the gays for now thanks,

The arrangement has been described as "within the rules".

Uffindell created the Civilian Party following the success of his satirical internet website The Civilian. The Conservative Party is also a real political party with actual members.

Asked whether an alliance between an iconoclastic mocker of the status quo and a rich white man who personifies everything that's ludicrous about the establishment seemed unlikely, Craig explained that "apparently that's the way these things normally work".

Craig said he was exciting by the deal, as he had bought himself a political party before but had never go one second hand.

Uffindell denied he had abandoned his principles for a bit of campaign cash, saying it was in fact a "quite staggering amount" of campaign cash and "a rather sizable donation to me personally".

He also said the parties were a natural match: "People tend to assume my party is satirical and my policies must be some kind of ironic joke, but of course I deny that utterly," he said, "So we already have that in common. Also, we both became famous the same way – when Colin threatened to sue me."

Negotiations, which have went on in secret for some weeks, concluded after Uffindell walked past a Conservative Party election hoarding and "fell into depths of Colin's intense, endless stare". Uffindell described waking from "the blissful, blinding darkness" in the knowledge that Colin Craig was a lovely chap who knew a thing or two about how the country should be run.

Craig confirmed that the hypnotic effect of his billboards was "a thing".

The parties hope to enhance their prospects by uniting the Conservative's utterly sub-threshold poll results with The Civilian's mildly engaged Facebook following. But Craig revealed an additional motive for the move.

"John Key has definitively ruled out doing an electorate deal with me. Well what about Ben here? Huh? Huh?? Sounds like a maybe!! I've spent a lot more money on more worse election strategies."

"Not that I know what John's problem with a deal is. I mean, he gave Act a deal. We'd bring more than one MP into Parliament if we were elected. Is that it? Were we too popular? I can stop consistently polling above one per cent if I really try! Was it not enough Maori bashing, John? But I have all those policies too! Did I just not use enough difficult words with the racism?"

"Or do we have too few convicted criminals to be considered a potential coalition partner? Is that it? I can change!"

Craig then lept up, punched a journalist in the face and fled the room with their wallet shouting, "Look John, look! I can do crimes!"

Prime Minister John Key refuse to be drawn on potential coalition deals until after the election.

********

You can follow Lyndon Hood on Twitter.

If you want to leave a comment this might be a place.


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Gordon Campbell: On The Latest Allegations Against Helen Clark

According to former PM and UNDP leader current Helen Clark, the allegations leveled at her this week in a Foreign Policy magazine article by the prize-winning UN journalist Colum Lynch have been ‘totally fabricated’. Hmmm. That would be very, very surprising. More>>

Letter From The Editor: The State Of Scoop

Gordon Campbell: The PledgeMe campaign currently being run by the Scoop Foundation does provide a useful opportunity to update you on what gets done with your money. Further down the track, other documents will set out what we plan to do, resources permitting. For now, lets stick with the practical nuts and bolts. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On The Rise Of The Far Right (And Battle Bots)

In his victory speech at the Cannes film festival this week, the British film director Ken Loach [pictued] warned that the rise of far right parties in Europe was being fuelled by the economic policies of austerity, and manifested in a welfare bureaucracy that systematically denies assistance to those in most need. More>>

Julienne Molineaux: Stuff-Me - The Newspaper Gobble-Up

In New Zealand, concentration of newspaper ownership via mergers and acquisitions has a long pre-digital history. The trends of declining readership and fragmented audiences began before digital content, and mergers and acquisitions proceeded apace, enabled by weak legislative protections. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop Foundation Membership Drive:

The Scoop Foundation: The best chance to create an independent guardian for public interest journalism in NZ

The Scoop Foundation is seeking public support to safeguard the future of public interest journalism in New Zealand. To ensure public access to comprehensive, free, timely news is maintained during this dark hour for journalism. And to provide every voice in NZ the opportunity to be heard in the national debate. More>>
PLEDGE NOW: Journalism: A New Model - The 2016 Scoop Foundation Membership Drive

Scoop Foundation Timeline:

Gordon Campbell: On Trump And The Madman Theory

Years ago, Richard Nixon explained to his chief adviser Bob Haldeman what has since become known as the “Madman Theory” of foreign policy. Basically, if America’s rivals could be reminded that Nixon was an unstable, rabid anti-Communist with his finger on the nuclear trigger, Nixon reasoned, then maybe they’d be less willing to challenge the US in the world’s hot spots… More>>

Australia And The South China Sea: Another Foreign Policy Blunder Looming

James O’Neill: The overblown rhetoric from the United States has led at least one commentator to describe so-called ‘analyses’ of the South China Sea situation as “the biggest load of analytical rubbish about South East Asia to emerge since the CIA mistook bee feces for a Soviet-supplied biological weapon in 1981.” More>>

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news