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Scoop Satire: Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Satire by Lyndon Hood
Which means it is not, Colin, to be understood as true

At a surprise press conference this morning, Conservative Party leader Colin Craig and Civilian Party leader Ben Uffindell announced plans to form an alliance to contest the 2014 General Election.

A new political vehicle, the ConVilian Party, will seek the party vote. Uffindell explained the the Civilian Party's core values of llamas, free ice cream and declaring independence from Hamilton would be enhanced by wider policies of binding referenda, tougher penalties for criminals and having had enough of the gays for now thanks,

The arrangement has been described as "within the rules".

Uffindell created the Civilian Party following the success of his satirical internet website The Civilian. The Conservative Party is also a real political party with actual members.

Asked whether an alliance between an iconoclastic mocker of the status quo and a rich white man who personifies everything that's ludicrous about the establishment seemed unlikely, Craig explained that "apparently that's the way these things normally work".

Craig said he was exciting by the deal, as he had bought himself a political party before but had never go one second hand.

Uffindell denied he had abandoned his principles for a bit of campaign cash, saying it was in fact a "quite staggering amount" of campaign cash and "a rather sizable donation to me personally".

He also said the parties were a natural match: "People tend to assume my party is satirical and my policies must be some kind of ironic joke, but of course I deny that utterly," he said, "So we already have that in common. Also, we both became famous the same way – when Colin threatened to sue me."

Negotiations, which have went on in secret for some weeks, concluded after Uffindell walked past a Conservative Party election hoarding and "fell into depths of Colin's intense, endless stare". Uffindell described waking from "the blissful, blinding darkness" in the knowledge that Colin Craig was a lovely chap who knew a thing or two about how the country should be run.

Craig confirmed that the hypnotic effect of his billboards was "a thing".

The parties hope to enhance their prospects by uniting the Conservative's utterly sub-threshold poll results with The Civilian's mildly engaged Facebook following. But Craig revealed an additional motive for the move.

"John Key has definitively ruled out doing an electorate deal with me. Well what about Ben here? Huh? Huh?? Sounds like a maybe!! I've spent a lot more money on more worse election strategies."

"Not that I know what John's problem with a deal is. I mean, he gave Act a deal. We'd bring more than one MP into Parliament if we were elected. Is that it? Were we too popular? I can stop consistently polling above one per cent if I really try! Was it not enough Maori bashing, John? But I have all those policies too! Did I just not use enough difficult words with the racism?"

"Or do we have too few convicted criminals to be considered a potential coalition partner? Is that it? I can change!"

Craig then lept up, punched a journalist in the face and fled the room with their wallet shouting, "Look John, look! I can do crimes!"

Prime Minister John Key refuse to be drawn on potential coalition deals until after the election.

********

You can follow Lyndon Hood on Twitter.

If you want to leave a comment this might be a place.


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