Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | News Flashes | Scoop Features | Scoop Video | Strange & Bizarre | Search

 


Scoop Satire: Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Colin Craig Buys Into Civilian Party

Satire by Lyndon Hood
Which means it is not, Colin, to be understood as true

At a surprise press conference this morning, Conservative Party leader Colin Craig and Civilian Party leader Ben Uffindell announced plans to form an alliance to contest the 2014 General Election.

A new political vehicle, the ConVilian Party, will seek the party vote. Uffindell explained the the Civilian Party's core values of llamas, free ice cream and declaring independence from Hamilton would be enhanced by wider policies of binding referenda, tougher penalties for criminals and having had enough of the gays for now thanks,

The arrangement has been described as "within the rules".

Uffindell created the Civilian Party following the success of his satirical internet website The Civilian. The Conservative Party is also a real political party with actual members.

Asked whether an alliance between an iconoclastic mocker of the status quo and a rich white man who personifies everything that's ludicrous about the establishment seemed unlikely, Craig explained that "apparently that's the way these things normally work".

Craig said he was exciting by the deal, as he had bought himself a political party before but had never go one second hand.

Uffindell denied he had abandoned his principles for a bit of campaign cash, saying it was in fact a "quite staggering amount" of campaign cash and "a rather sizable donation to me personally".

He also said the parties were a natural match: "People tend to assume my party is satirical and my policies must be some kind of ironic joke, but of course I deny that utterly," he said, "So we already have that in common. Also, we both became famous the same way – when Colin threatened to sue me."

Negotiations, which have went on in secret for some weeks, concluded after Uffindell walked past a Conservative Party election hoarding and "fell into depths of Colin's intense, endless stare". Uffindell described waking from "the blissful, blinding darkness" in the knowledge that Colin Craig was a lovely chap who knew a thing or two about how the country should be run.

Craig confirmed that the hypnotic effect of his billboards was "a thing".

The parties hope to enhance their prospects by uniting the Conservative's utterly sub-threshold poll results with The Civilian's mildly engaged Facebook following. But Craig revealed an additional motive for the move.

"John Key has definitively ruled out doing an electorate deal with me. Well what about Ben here? Huh? Huh?? Sounds like a maybe!! I've spent a lot more money on more worse election strategies."

"Not that I know what John's problem with a deal is. I mean, he gave Act a deal. We'd bring more than one MP into Parliament if we were elected. Is that it? Were we too popular? I can stop consistently polling above one per cent if I really try! Was it not enough Maori bashing, John? But I have all those policies too! Did I just not use enough difficult words with the racism?"

"Or do we have too few convicted criminals to be considered a potential coalition partner? Is that it? I can change!"

Craig then lept up, punched a journalist in the face and fled the room with their wallet shouting, "Look John, look! I can do crimes!"

Prime Minister John Key refuse to be drawn on potential coalition deals until after the election.

********

You can follow Lyndon Hood on Twitter.

If you want to leave a comment this might be a place.


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

New HiveMind Project: What Should We Do About Sugar?

While most people agree that increased sugar consumption is a major cause of too many New Zealanders being overweight and obese, what we should do about this remains a matter of debate and argument. More>>

ALSO:


Gordon Campbell: On Vladimir Putin’s Wonderful, Fabulous, Very Good Year

Safe to say that no-one, but no-one has had a better 2016 than Vladimir Putin. What an annus mirabilis it has been for him. Somehow, Russia got away with directly interfering in the US election process, such that a friendly oligarch is about to take up residence in the White House, rather than a genuine rival. More>>

ALSO:


Gordon Campbell: On The Media Normalisation Of Trump

We all supposedly agree that the media is going to hell in a tabloid handbasket, but the trends to the contrary can be a bit harder to spot. In his 1970s book The Right Stuff, Tom Wolfe had mocked the way the media instinctively acts as what he called The Victorian Gentleman. More>>

ALSO:

Binoy Kampmark: The Reality Of Fake News

Fake news as reality; the inability to navigate the waters in which it swims; a weakness in succumbing to material best treated with a huge pinch of salt. That, we are told, is the new condition of the global information environment. More>>

Alastair Thompson: Helen Kelly And The Compassionless People
I wasn't a close friend of Helen Kelly's. But her passing has moved me to tears more than once in the past two weeks. I feel honoured to be one of the many who worked with her and was helped by her. More>>

Postnatal Depression: 'The Thief That Steals Motherhood' - Alison McCulloch

Post-natal depression is a sly and cruel illness, described by one expert as ‘the thief that steals motherhood’, it creeps up on its victims, hiding behind the stress and exhaustion of being a new parent, catching many women unaware and unprepared. More>>

ALSO:

Gordon Campbell: On News From The US Election Eve

Here’s a somewhat scary headline from October 30 on Nate Silver’s 538 site, which summed up the statistical factors in play at that point: “The Cubs Have A Smaller Chance Of Winning Than Trump Does” More>>

ALSO:

Get More From Scoop

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Top Scoops
Search Scoop  
 
 
Powered by Vodafone
NZ independent news