Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

American Reply to the Revocation of Independence

The American Reply to the British Revocation of Independence

Friends:

Thank you for letting know about the revocation of our national governance license. We welcome her majesty's concern for our welfare.

We have maintained close interest in the Queen's family. Their exploits are chronicled in the supermarket tabloids. The National Enquirer probably supports them with funds equal to the privy purse. The royals are much more entertaining than the Clintons. And, Fergie, of course continues in that most public position, spokesperson for Weight Watchers.

We do welcome the close attention of this old and distinguished family. Perhaps in the new administration, Prince Philip could run for office in the Pat Buchanan camp, although Pat is a bit to the left of Phil in his ideology. His younger children, the princes, might become icons for the Young Republicans. On the other hand, Charles (or Chuck as he would be known) could be a supporter of the Green Party. Eccentricity is a virtue among Ralph Nader's constituency.

In reply to the clauses in the proclamation:

1. Where pray, would we find a copy the Oxford English Dictionary? Please be assured that Webster's covers all bases (a baseball term, for your information), including the quaint pronunciation and spelling that are still used, we understand, in the British Isles. The filler words provide us with opportunities to dominate conversations without providing any communication of real substance. Again, we bring to your attention that we (at last count - voting is on our minds these days) had more toys and are more boisterous than anyone else.

2. We know that there is no U.S. English. We have English influence languages spoken and sometimes written, throughout the country such as Irish American, or South Side of Chicago lingo. The few people who aspire to learning U.S. English are located in centers of higher education where it is taught to diplomats as means of communicating with the international community. Otherwise, few people attempt to learn the rules of syntax and grammatical structure. We learn to communicate by pointing, hitting, shooting and otherwise physically contacting each other. This is a much more efficient and effective means of getting one's message out.

3. We can distinguish Australian accents. We have listened to, and sometimes even understand, Mel Gibson, Crocodile Dundee (is he the Australian Ambassador to the UN?) and similar important folks. Most Americans, even as future colonists, do not subscribe to the view of a local journalist that Australians are simply British with a bad accent.

4. There are English actors in Hollywood?

5. We like the tune of God Save the Queen. We already purloined it as 'My Country 'Tis of Thee'. Queen does tend to have a different meaning here, and such a title could run into opposition in the Mid- West. They are wonderful folk out there but do tend to take meanings of words literally.

6. Be careful what you wish for. While American football has made only a few inroads into other countries (there are competitions in the UK and Australia), we are becoming a soccer obsessed country. Before very long, the World Cup could be sitting on a shelf in New York along with Christopher Robin's original toys. As for Rugby, we already play it with vigor and with the same civil behavior (note spelling) that is exhibited in English Rugby clubs. Years ago, one of our teams, the Golden Bears from the University of California, went to Australia on tour and beat the merde out of the Aussies.

7. We tried to conquer Canada years ago and had an unofficial war with France. Nothing new. The ungrateful idiots did not want to join the greatest nation on earth. Their loss.

8. We will adopt November 8 happily along with the July 4th. We have so few public holidays that we want all we can get, unlike the British and Australians who seem to have many of them for all sorts of obscure reasons.

9. We like German cars. They are a sign of wealth and good taste. But they are not macho. How could you possibly compare a sleek Mercedes-Benz sports car with a four wheel drive boxy-shaped monster of an SUV that could, if the driver wished, smash through the under- growth of forests of Montana? Bulk means Power. This is a cultural difference that would take far too long to explain.

10. We don't know and if we did, we could not agree because the answer would be the product of a conspiracy.

By the way, who is Tony Blair? If he is not an electoral official in Palm Beach County, Florida, who cares?

The percentage of American who know about the outside world is far less than 2.15%. There are only about 50 of us. Clinton does, Gore maybe, and Bush thinks Washington D.C. is a foreign nation.

In conclusion, if Queen Elizabeth wants to rule this land she has to do it the American way. She will have to have a lot of dubious friends, kiss babies, find and spend sums of money equal to the GNP of Sweden, and be ready to go to court over the slightest issue. She would have to become Liz Windsor and work her way through the Primaries and then onto the Convention before she can run against a similarly exhausted candidate from the other party. If she is interested, she should call Hillary Rodham Clinton. Maybe they could change jobs for awhile as developmental opportunities.

Looking forward to the new Administration.

Sincerely,

Your American Cousins


© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Binoy Kampmark: Funeral Rites For COVID Zero
It was such a noble public health dream, even if rather hazy to begin with. Run down SARS-CoV-2. Suppress it. Crush it. Or just “flatten the curve”, which could have meant versions of all the above. This created a climate of numerical sensitivity: a few case infections here, a few cases there, would warrant immediate, sharp lockdowns, stay-at-home orders, the closure of all non-vital service outlets... More>>

Dunne Speaks: 25 Years Of MMP - And The Government Wants To Make It Harder For Small Parties
This week marks the 25th anniversary of the New Zealand’s first MMP election. Over the last quarter century, the MMP electoral system has led to our Parliament becoming more socially and ethnically diverse, more gender balanced, and to a wider spread of political opinion gaining representation. Or, as one of my former colleagues observed somewhat ruefully at the time, Parliament starting to look a little more like the rest of New Zealand... More>>

Eric Zuesse: China Says U.S.-China War Is Imminent

China has now publicly announced that, unless the United States Government will promptly remove from China’s Taiwan province the military forces that it recently sent there, China will soon send military forces into that province, because, not only did the U.S. secretly send “special operations forces” onto that island... More>>


Dunne Speaks: Labour's High Water Mark
If I were still a member of the Labour Party I would be feeling a little concerned after this week’s Colmar Brunton public opinion poll. Not because the poll suggested Labour is going to lose office any time soon – it did not – nor because it showed other parties doing better – they are not... More>>



Our Man In Washington: Morrison’s Tour Of Deception

It was startling and even shocking. Away from the thrust and cut of domestic politics, not to mention noisy discord within his government’s ranks, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison could breathe a sign of relief. Perhaps no one would notice in Washington that Australia remains prehistoric in approaching climate change relative to its counterparts... More>>



Binoy Kampmark: Melbourne Quake: Shaken, Not Stirred

It began just after a news interview. Time: a quarter past nine. Morning of September 22, and yet to take a sip from the brewed Turkish coffee, its light thin surface foam inviting. The Australian city of Melbourne in its sixth lockdown, its residents fatigued and ravaged by regulations. Rising COVID-19 numbers, seemingly inexorable... More>>