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Special Report: Bush Down Under

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CAPTION: Australian Green Party members opposed to Bush's unilateral invasion of Iraq (far left) are kept from addressing the President (wearing blue blazer on far right), who is oblivious to the controversy as he shakes hands with Australian conservative tools similar to those he is surrounded by at home.

Canberra, Australia--An unprecedented and massive security operation was mounted to protect President George Bush from evil doers when he visited Australia last week.

Bush arrived with an entourage of 600 personnel [comprising of armed agents, secret service staff and security advisers], a fleet of armoured limousines, a squadron of 15 aircraft, including his personal jet Air Force One, Air Force Two [for back-up], F/A 18 Hornet fighter jets, and lots and lots of guns.

Airspace restrictions were enforced over the Australian capital Canberra, a Department of Defence radar screening system was activated and specialist counter-terrorist bodies, such as Defence's Tactical Assault Group, were on standby. Even the City Council restricted the flying of kites, the walking of dogs in public parks, public shows of affection, idle chit-chat, chewing of gum, and will also ban early morning jogs, which it stated to be very suspicious behaviour at the best of times.

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By contrast, President Hu Jintao, leader of the most populous nation in the world arriving shortly after Bush, will be accompanied by his mum and arrives on a QANTAS flight from Beijing with a night-stop-over in Hong Kong.

“Of course I’m pissed off,” said Hu Jintao through a translator. "The Americans have instructed the Australians to cordon off the whole place. Now I’m worried I won’t be allowed in."

Opposition party members are annoyed they can’t speak up in Parliament where Bush is giving a special address, and even avid supporters of Bush can’t greet him personally.

It seems that members of the press are the only people who are really excited by Bush’s visit, albeit for all the wrong reasons.

A headline writer for one of the tabloids, who wishes to remain anonymous, was beside himself with anticipation.

“Mate, we haven’t had this kind of opportunity for sexual innuendo, salacious allusions and child-like crudity since the last visit by Bush senior in ‘92. It’s not often you get to mention a ladies nether regions in large type, and so often! This is going to sell a lot of papers," he revealed. "I only wish Dick was here to join Bush. You know, Dick Cheney. Dick and Bush. They go together. Get it?"

When asked what he thought of Australia as a country after seeing it for only twenty hours Bush had an interesting response.

“Um, well. To be honest, I have to say, I didn’t actually see much of Australia. I have heard it’s a bit like Texas. But without the oil. And of course they speak a bit different here, and the landscape is different and the native wildlife is different and the shape of the hat on the head is different. But apart from that it’s just like Texas, so they tell me.”

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