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Lyndon Hood: Coalition Briefs

Coalition Briefs

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Caretakers Applaud Extension of Caretaker Government
United Future supports stable government by avoiding being in government
Prebble Actually Being Sarcastic
Starving feral media packs roaming halls of Parliament
Brash in surprise coalition with Brethren, Roundtable, Bush


Caretakers Applaud Extension of Caretaker Government

Following the expiry of Helen Clark's initial target for the formation of a new government, the New Zealand Caretakers Association has applauded the extension of the current caretaker administration.

"We are also pleased to note that Winston Peters has once again become critical to the coalition-building process," said NZCA President Mac Jenkins, "We all have fond memories of our extended reign in 1996, and I'm sure Mr Peters will do his best for us now."

Mr Jenkins expressed the hope that the caretaker government would take a new broom to the Beehive, cleaning up politics and generally taking out the trash.


United Future supports stable government by avoiding being in government

Peter Dunne has confirmed the exact method his party is using in its often-stated goal of supporting stable government: methodically destroying any chance his party might have of being involved in the next administration.

Dunne pointed to his recent achievements:
- throwing a temper tantrum on election night,
- refusing to support any government involving the 'fringe' Greens (who received nearly twice as many votes as his party), and
- admitting that repeatedly stating his neutral, centrist position may not have made it adequately clear that he wanted to support National.

"A major party should not have to appeal to lunatic fringe parties such as the Greens or Act. Or United Future," said Mr Dunne, "Since it seems inevitable one of the others will influence the next government, all we can is put ourselves out of the running and render ourselves permanently irrelevant."


Prebble Actually Being Sarcastic

Expert analysis has revealed that the pronouncements of former Act leader Richard Prebble, commonly reported as representing his own opinion, are in fact ironic parodies of theories found in political weblogs. The sarcasm is however presented subtly and is therefore lost on the average jounalist.

"I think the Maori Party should support National. National opposed the foreshore legislation, and it's not as if the Maori party ever said that they would try to keep National out. And the Maori Party voters would be right behind them," said Mr Prebble recently, grinning impishly.

"National doesn't want to replace the Foreshore and Seabed Act with something even more anti-Maori-ownership. Just look at those 'Iwi-Kiwi' billboards. This is exactly what a National voter would expect."

"And Winston should fit right in, what with promising to give precedence to the party with the most seats and the Foreshore Act being the only thing he voted for last term. I tell you, I'm as right about this as I was about how Brash would be fired."

He then pretended to cough, subtly disguising a fit of the giggles.

Mr Prebble is thought of as a political 'insider', on the grounds that he has left politics.


Starving feral media packs roaming halls of Parliament

Gangs of story-hungry journalists, with little to feed on except politicians who have outlived their usefulness, continue to roam freely in the corridors of parliament, driven mad by the scent of secret decision-making.

Minor MPs and press secretaries are afraid to show themselves lest they be ruthlessly speculated.

In the absence of any tangible fodder, the media are feeding off each other's tenuous assertions, or even running stories about the behaviour of other journalists.

Scoop understands that the RSPCA has been informed.


Brash in surprise coalition with Brethren, Roundtable, Bush

In a completely unanticipated announcement, National leader Don Brash has declared that he is ready to form a government with support from the Exclusive Brethren the Business Roundtable and the US Republican Party. Negotiations were completed in secret by email, international courier and Koru Club lounge meeting.

When asked what numbers he had managed to muster, Brash replied, "Millions. And that's in US dollars."

In response, Helen Clark is understood to be recalculating her support and holding emergency talks with Unions, single mothers, and Satan.


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