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Lyndon Hood: The Week In No Particular Order

The Week In No Particular Order

Satire by Lyndon Hood


Kevin saw a chicken! Mmm... chicken!

Does anyone know what Helen Clark ate when she had lunch with George Bush? And did she bring her long spoon?

He called her a "straight-forward honest woman" so probably she called him a "warmongering maniac" at some stage. Still, it was a weight off my mind when John Key said Helen Clark wasn't actually very close to George W. Bush after all.

Plus there was that photo where Helen is trying to kill George with mind bullets. I was pleased about that until I discovered she was also doing stuff like collecting severed heads and meeting with the world leader of McDonald's. Did you know that McDonald's employs more people than the Church of Scientology?

I'm sure more than one webmaster slept more easily last night after the Privacy Commissioner decided it's legal to publish pictures of naked old people if you ask them first. Who'd have thought it?

No wonder they want to reform the justice system. If those crazy judges aren't overturning lab test contracts, it's kahawi fishery allocations. Then they go and say the Minister was right about dropping honey import restrictions. Where's the consistency?

And does that mean we can export fireblight to Australia now?

Apparently it's not a Giant Squid. It is a Colossal Squid. That is the actual name of its actual species. You learn something new every day. Well, maybe not every day, not if you work in the media. But sometimes, you learn new things.

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I hear they might defrost it with microwaves. If you ask me, that's the wrong choice. Microwaved seafood always comes out overcooked.

I think it's really courageous of those foresters offering to pay the carbon debit from all the trees they've cut down since 1990. I have that right, don't I? They want to own all the Kyoto credits associated with their forests?

Speaking of pollution, if the Wellington bypass causes congestion, I have the solution: build a new road around it.

Seems like everyone's talking smack! Actually, I think it's ridiculous that they keep trying to call it the 'Anti-Smacking Bill'. Didn't Quentin Taratino already make a movie with that name? Never mind.

Now that Brian Tamaki organising a protest the bill is bound to fail. That's a march in April, to go with the March march someone else is putting on. Perhaps the anti-nanny-state and the religious extremists will rejig their dates to combine. So the March march may be in April, or the April march may be in March.

I assume Bishop Brian wants the hitting of children to be compulsory.

They say Helen shouldn't be whipping her MPs to ban hitting children. They also say they shouldn't abuse urgency just to minimise political fallout. I have to disagree on the last one – undermining due process is what made this country great. For example: those Maori still haven't got their water back.

Personally, I'm not going to support any bills until the gas company gets my meter reading right.

So now there's a national Maori language curriculum, and a sign language curriculum. If the newspapers start using sign language words I hope they put English translations in brackets.

And they passed a law that disabled people get paid the same as everyone else. At least that one doesn't apply to Maori, judging from what I can see.

So, in summary, I'm not saying that the colossal squid will necessarily rise up and rampage over Wellington if they bombard it with radiation. But I feel the precautionary principle should apply.

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