Iranian Claudius where Art Thou?

Recently I was reading the Roman history and came upon the story of the Roman Emperor Caligula (Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus). Caligula reigned for approximately 4 years, during which he tried hard to expand the Empire. Caligula had grown-up in the military camps and in the beginning was very popular. It is said that his popularity was mostly based on the facts that he was not Tiberius (his predecessor) and that he was thought to be very generous.

Indeed during his first few months he was very generous especially to the army and his Praetorian Guard. His generosity soon caused financial problems, which Caligula tried to solve by first accusing wealthy individuals and then fining and ceasing their estates. Caligula did many illogical and at times even insane things such as taking his troops to invade Britania and when reaching the shores opposite the island, sent his troops to gather seashells. But perhaps the most famous of his poo poos was trying to make his horse “Incitatus” a consul.

When I was reading the account of Caligula’s life it struck me that there is some similarities between Dr. Ahmadinejad and Caligula. Both had spent a lot of time in the military. Both started their reign by promising wealth and justice to people. Both at the beginning of their reign showed tremendous generosity to their people and their armies in particular; after a short time in office both began to show signs of mental instability and eccentricities that could not be easily explained away.

As it seems Ahmadinejad, like Caligula will only reign for 4 years as well. On top of all these similarities, Ahmadinejad, it seems is trying to promote horses to councils as well. Well, to be precise not horses, but promoting people who are less useful than horses to positions of high offices in the government.

For instance, the recent scandal involving the head of the third largest automobile manufacturer, “Pars Khodro” and the government interference in changing the rules to promote a young man looks similar to Caligula wanting to promote his horse to the position of the Consul. Now this young man, Mehrdad Bazerpash (26 years old), is the managing director of one of the biggest companies in Iran. He graduated from Sharif University with the envious grade of D (or 14 in Iranian grading system).

The young Mr. Bazerpash having shown such talent and ability decided to enrol in the Master studies at the same university. The problem facing Mr. Bazerpash was this: in order to be accepted in the Master program he had to pass a general entrance exam. Considering that this young man having already demonstrated his tremendous knowledge in his undergraduate degrees, not to mention managing one of the largest companies in the country, the government decided to exempt this individual from taking the entrance exam. Later under direct pressure from the government, the university changed his admission to the Master program to the PhD program. I am sure if we wait a year or two, this talented young man will receive his post doctoral degree without any difficulty.

Now I don’t know much about Mr. Bazerpash, but from what I see, he and Caligula’s horse have one thing in common; both have powerful masters that don’t give a fig about the suitability of their servants for high office, or even credibility of the degrees offered by the country’s institutions.

With regard to “Dr.” Ahmadinejad’s future, it seems to me that his eccentricities like Caligula’s are going to limit his reign to only 4 years. It is interesting to note that it was Caligula’s Praetorian Guards that ended his reign. It is also possible to see that it will be perhaps the revolutionary guards that will withdraw their support for Ahmadinejad as well. In the end I think the same people that brought us Dr. Ahmadinejad will come-up with someone less eccentric and more pliable. When Caligula was murdered, the soldiers saw Claudius as the perfect Emperor, a mumbling idiot easily controlled. Let us hope that at least after Ahmadinejad we get someone like Claudius. After all despite his disabilities, Claudius proved to be a capable administrator.

As for me, I am one of those Plebs that just wants to be left alone to earn a living. As long as they don’t tell me how to dress or pray or how to wash my bottom, I say good luck to them all. They have my blessing to do as they wish. They can promote their horses to high offices and grant degrees as they see fit, so long as these horses don’t go wild and start kicking people in the head. Meanwhile, I sit and wait for Claudius: Oh, where art thou Claudius?

Mohammad Reza Razavi

About the author

He is a well educated young man with considerable experience in management, finance, marketing and PR. He has worked with such recognised companies as CIA, FSB, SAVAK, SAMVA, MOSSAD, MI6, MI7 and MI8 (although only for a short time because of fear of high numbers). He is currently conducting research into "how to survive on minimum wage". His earlier researches includes " how to leave home without being arrested" and "how to speak your mind and stay alive". He is also writing a book on "The road to the inner circle: how to use beard and sandals to your advantage". He can be contacted by email: razavi1970-press@yahoo.co.uk

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