Jan Baumgartner: The Comic Genius of Bush & Allen

An interlocutor moderates a conversation of wit and wisdom between one of the world’s great comedy duos, George W. Bush and Woody Allen.

(documented quotes by Bush and Allen indicated by Italics and quotation marks)

Recently Interlocutor sat down with two comedic greats, warmonger and comedian, George W. Bush, and philosopher and filmmaker, Woody Allen, to glean of their combined wisdom and mirth, past, present and future.

Interlocutor: Greetings, Mr. Bush and Mr. Allen. Thank you for meeting with me today. Please, Mr. Bush, have a seat, really sir. We’ll do a photo op following our conversation…

Bush: (giggling) “…the desk, where we’ll have our picture taken in front of – is nine other president’s used it. This was given to us by Queen Victoria in the 1870’s, I think it was. President Roosevelt put the door in so people would not know he was in a wheelchair. John Kennedy put his head out the door.” (5/5/06)

Interlocutor: Lovely, lovely. Now, if we could get down to business…

Allen: “Play it again, Sam.”

Interlocutor: Mr. Bush, about your war in Iraq. Why did it take you so long to admit that the events and perpetrators of 9/11 had nothing to do with Saddam Hussein and his so called cache of “weapons of mass destruction” or his allegiance with Bin Laden operatives?

Bush: (fidgeting in his pocket for a cherry Lifesaver) “You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror.” (9/6/06)

Allen: (shrugging) “Why ruin a good story with the truth?”

Interlocutor: I see. Brilliant strategy, gentlemen. But what about your surging number of critics who say you invaded Iraq knowing full well that they had nothing to do with the terror attack and to date, some half a million innocent Iraqi’s have died due to your illegal war?

Bush: “The United States of America is engaged in a war against an extremist group of folks.” (8/15/06)

Bush: Besides, “I think we are welcomed. But is was not a peaceful welcome.” (12/12/05)

Allen: Hey, “…the lion and calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep!”

Bush: (shoulder laugh throws him off his seat)

Interlocutor: But again, sir, what about the hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqis, not to mention the deaths of well over 3,500 American troops? This can’t sit well with you…

Allen: (attempting to lighten things up) “…the chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife – a depressing thought- particularly for those who have bothered to shave…

Bush: (chokes on his cherry Lifesaver)

Allen: I mean, “…also, there is a fear that there IS an afterlife but no one will know where it is being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.”

Interlocutor: It appears that you and Mr. Bush share a macabre, to say the least, view of destruction, death and dying.

Bush: (removing Lifesaver from mouth and gingerly pinching between thumb and index finger) “ Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die!” (12/7/06)

Bush: And, and, and, “After the bombing, most Iraqi’s saw what the perpetrators were trying to do.” (3/13/06)

Interlocutor: So the war is justified in your mind even though your escalation of critics, the American people, and many in your own party say otherwise? Even though you are losing this illegal war and leaving a country in ruin? Just as you have lost your moral standing in the global community…

Bush: Wha, what critics? “The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done.” (11/4/06)

Interlocutor: I, I, I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying, Mr. Bush….

Allen: “94.5% of all statistics are made up…”

Bush: And, and, and, and, “…If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate…” (3/21/06)

Bush: And, uh, um, I mean, “…I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel!” (5/4/06)

Interlocutor: I’m confused, uh, you’re babbling, sir, your Lifesaver, stuck to the seat of your pants…..

Allen: Oy. “Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.”

Interlocutor: Yes, I think I understand completely…

Bush: (amused to find the candy stuck to his trousers) My brain? It’s my second favorite organ!* (laughing) I stole that from my pal, Woody! So, sue me!

Interlocutor: I see. And just how do you reconcile with your devout religious beliefs, Mr. Bush? Your proclaimed “deep faith” and of being a Christian? Doesn’t all this mass slaughter, destruction of an ancient culture, and the sacrificing of young Americans lives based on greed and lies weigh heavily on you at night?

Bush: (pulling the disk from his pants) Hey, “I’m looking forward to a good night’s sleep on the soil of a friend.” (6/29/05)

Bush: And hey buddy, “….the President’s job is NEVER to promote religion.” (5/5/06)

Allen: “If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what is being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up…”

Bush: Woody, ol buddy, you forgot somethin’ “I’m the decider, and I decide what is best!” (4/18/06)

Allen: “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.”

Bush: You’re not listenin’, red, “I’m the decider, and…..”

Interlocutor: Okay, gentlemen, just a few more questions…What about the mounting violence in Iraq, the full blown civil war?

Bush: Uhh, well, “No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that.” (3/22/06)

Allen: “There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

Allen: Yes, I’m afraid that, “life is divided into the horrible and the miserable…”

Allen: And speaking of the horrible and miserable, “to me nature is… Spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, plants eating plants, and animals eating…”
Bush: (excitedly) Yeah, yeah! “I’d say the best moment of all (in office) was when I caught a 7.5 pound large-mouthed bass in my lake!” (5/7/06)

Allen: Yes, gargantuan-mouthed fish, and, and, “I think people should mate for life, like pigeons and Catholics…”

Interlocutor: I think we’re getting off track here….

Bush: “…The President’s job is NEVER to promote religion!” (5/5/06)

Interlocutor: Okay, gentlemen, I think we’ll wrap this up…Any final words you’d like to add?

Allen: Hmmm. I guess the gospel according to this administration might sum things up: “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

Bush: (smirking) Here! Here! I’m glad you listen to some of the things I tell ya!

Allen: Oh, and one last thing, “more than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

Bush: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You got that right, Woodman! “I tell people, let’s don’t fear the future, let’s shape it!” (6/7/06)

Interlocutor: This has been most enlightening. Thank you, I think.

Bush: Goodnight, Woody!

Allen: Goodnight, George.

* Woody Allen quote

(My gratitude for the comic genius of Woody Allen, his brilliance and wit – the perfect match to pit against the madness of George.)

Jan Baumgartner is a freelance writer currently living in Maine. Her articles and essays have appeared in numerous online and print publications including the New York Times. She is a managing editor for OpEdNews.com.

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