An Immodest Proposal: Sink your teeth into this...
By Jason Miller
Let’s face it, my fellow freedom and burger loving Americans. It is becoming painfully obvious that our non-negotiable American Way of Life is increasingly under attack. Yet while our meat consumption may be a wedge issue our foes are using against us, it can also be our salvation.
We are facing swarms of terrorists in the Animal Liberation Front, mobs of fanatical extremists at PETA, and hordes of Nazi-like, in-your-face vegans and vegetarians. Like deranged street prophets, they spout all kinds of nonsense about speciesism, the suffering of sentient beings, animal rights, compassion for livestock in factory farms, and other deluded ramblings.
Though we recognize their ridiculous utterances, beliefs, and acts to be those of mentally unbalanced losers who need a ridiculous cause in their miserable lives to prevent them doing the world a favor by committing suicide, how long can we afford to ignore these violent and dangerous individuals? Their numbers are growing way too rapidly for my comfort.
We also need to consider that our addiction to meat is also causing problems so deep that we can no longer maintain our dominant position simply by beating down environmental activists with our clever arguments and significantly larger wallets. The hideous truth is bubbling so close to the surface that we can no longer maintain the status quo with specious arguments and asinine sound bites disseminated by our allies like Fox, Viacom, the New York Times, and CNN.
Cattle, the source of our beloved beef, are now the number one source of greenhouse gasses. And even some of our staunchest supporters are beginning to admit that Climate Change is a real phenomenon.
Our meat habit is causing deforestation to accelerate at an alarming rate. Since we need the trees to cleanse the air of carbon dioxide and replenish OUR oxygen, we must preserve OUR remaining forests. I still can’t abide those moronic tree huggers who fail to realize that the trees are OURS to do with as we please, but when OUR survival is threatened, it’s time to do something!
Our supply of potable water is shrinking at a frightening pace. Those enviro idiots do have a point when they remind us that it takes far more water to raise livestock for meat production than it does to cultivate crops. Obviously we don’t give a damn if millions of Third Worlders in places like Timbuktu die of thirst, but when treasures like Vegas are increasingly in jeopardy, we need to stir ourselves to act.
Much of the arable land we could use to produce more crops for human consumption is instead used to raise and feed livestock. 35,000 people die each day from the effects of starvation. We needn’t concern ourselves about those people per se, but the deeper issue is that that number could amplify, people who matter could start dying, and riots or revolutions could threaten our free market system.
Animal loving freaks terrorizing us. Polar ice caps melting. Chaotic weather. Forests on the verge of extinction. Food riots. A rapidly dwindling water supply. Capitalism under siege. We are facing a nightmare, ladies and gentlemen.
AND the Earth is grossly over-populated. At 35,000 deaths a day, our de facto culling process is grossly inadequate to preserve OUR planet for those of us who count. Humanity has exceeded its carrying capacity and our numbers continue to grow exponentially. We’ve got to start killing off the expendables much more rapidly and efficiently.
So what to do?
It’s quite simple, really. We must abandon all types of meat we now consume and begin satisfying our palates and protein requirements with human flesh.
I know the notion of cannibalism violates a long-standing taboo in most cultures, but if we abandon conscience, morals and ethics (which are nothing more than antiquated absurdities that impose ridiculous restraints on our behavior), logic dictates that we begin eating our fellow humans.
Our necessary humanitarian interventions and courageous efforts to advance the democracy of free markets are already justifiably eliminating millions of barbarians who stand in the way of the proliferation of the American Way. In fact, we are doing those wretches a favor by putting them out of their misery.
Yet instead of employing our military to kill our enemies and leave their corpses to rot, why not have our soldiers round them up and process them in factory farms designed to process humans?
We Americans are the fittest of the species, and hence the most well-equipped to survive. History has proven that beyond the shadow of a doubt. As the fittest, we have the right to utilize our inferiors to ensure our survival. So why not eat them?
We already spend nearly a trillion dollars a year defending ourselves from millions upon millions of evil savages. Rather than devastating the infrastructure of nations we are Americanizing with bombs and missiles, why not round up uncooperatives and carve them up into delicious steaks in Halliburton-constructed meat-packing facilities?
Imagine what a peaceful world it would be if we began serving Palestinian instead of KC strip.
A billion Chinese Commies would guarantee us an adequate food supply for years to come. And talk about solving the population problem!
For those who prefer sun-dried jerky, there’d be Arab, African and Persian cuisine on the menu. Those savage creatures are only standing between us and OUR precious resources anyway.
And let’s not forget those bastards who beat us in Vietnam. After all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
For those of us living in the free world, where democracy, capitalism and Anglo culture reign supreme, the most appealing aspect to putting human flesh on our plates would be the elimination of the undesirables, useless eaters, and enemies in our midst.
Mexican illegals? Yo quiero Taco Bell!
Welfare queens, crack whores, and drug dealers? Dark meat anyone?
Gays and lesbians? Adds a whole new connotation to “taste the rainbow,” doesn’t it?
Repulsive homeless scum? Their meat might be a little tough and stringy but what’s wrong with eating a little wild game once in awhile?
Domestic terrorists and anti-American dissenters? We’d savor that flavor, wouldn’t we?
Close your eyes and envision a world defined by these conditions:
1. A sustainable human
2. An end to the relentless efforts of those animal rights crackpots.
3. A cessation of food riots
4. The elimination of the possibility of starvation for those of us who deserve to live
5. A significant reduction of greenhouse gasses
6. World peace (dissenters, non-conformists, and terrorists are pretty harmless once they’re on our dinner plates!)
Implementing such a plan will be fraught with difficulty. It will also be quite an adjustment to adapt to our new source of the meat we crave.
However, our non-negotiable American Way of Life is at stake. If we want to preserve the safety, comfort, and pleasure to which we TRUE Americans are entitled, we must put aside our fears and silly moral inhibitions.
Here’s to outgrowing our childish idealism, adopting an uncompromisingly pragmatic view, and simply saying, “Meats meat so let’s eat!”