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Lyndon Hood: Sanctions On Russia, Beneficiaries

We Must Impose Sanctions On Russia, Beneficiaries

Satire by Lyndon Hood

In the face of the ongoing presence of uncooperative beneficiary forces on New Zealand soil, John Key has heroically called for the imposition of sanctions - the method that lead to such happy endings in, say, Cuba. Or Iraq.

This is an excellent and moral policy. If the National Party stands for anything, it stands for the state imposing more control over people's lives.

Some peaceniks will be content with recent incremental gains against the beneficiary foe. I say this is appeasement. I say that until they unconditionally withdraw from our sovereign territory, we have not choice but to fight with whatever means come to hand.

They should not rest easy until their occupation (or lack of one) ends.

It's like this: if the taxpayer is giving these people money so they don't starve, they owe us.

And they need a kick in the pants. After all, they're bludgers. Of course, that doesn't explain how the numbers went down when the economy got better. But the ones that are left, they must all be bludgers, right? Whatever. The point is, we have a bunch of poor people at our mercy and we can do what we like with them.

However, as things stand National's policy is light on detail. What kind of sanctions? Will there be whips or will we be content with dogs?

I take this as a sign they are open to suggestions.

Proposed Schedule Of Beneficiary Sanctions

Write them a sternly-worded letter.

Turn their cricket team away at the border.

Impose some system that's sort of like gold stars, but in reverse.

I've heard they mostly spend it on booze and ciggies. If these were purchased in bulk through the welfare system, it would be far cheaper.

Index welfare rates to inflation, so that the liveablity of the benefit is guaranteed to decrease more slowly than it would otherwise.

In an effort to prove their covert welfare fraud, record their conversations at cocktail parties.

Freeze the bank accounts of beneficiaries and beneficiary sympathisers.

Use phrases like "sickness and invalids beneficiaries who are deemed able to work". Do not notice any contradiction there.

Send them to a budget service to get advice on how better to live on not-enough-to-live-on.

Find jobs for them to do. Basically all those jobs that don't pay well enough to attract employees, but that it would be illegal to make prisoners do.

Or set them laying all that fibre to the home. Lord knows there aren't enough people to do that at the moment.

Or train them up as budget advisors. We'll need a few of them and all.

Dairy prices too high? All those solo mothers must make for a lot of milk...

Break off diplomatic relation with Welfaria.

Cutting DPB payments for parents' misbehaviour indirectly punishes the children. This is obviously inefficient: we should punish the children directly. For example, if you make them wear some sort of identifying clothing, people will throw rocks and stuff at them for free.

Speaking of which: orange jumpsuits.

"Loving correction": strike them repeatedly with a complete copy of National's secret employment policy papers while saying "Stop - Being - Poor" repeatedly.

Convince them that, if they send troops into South Ossetia, you'll totally back them and Russia wouldn't dare respond.

If you capture any chauffeurs of beneficiaries, hold them without charge for a while then convict them of war crimes. Let them serve their sentence, then don't let them go.

Tell our Foreign Affairs Minister that they published an article about his party finances. Stand well back.

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