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Obama Calls Unexpected Press Conference

Obama Calls Unexpected Press Conference

By Marti Hiken and Luke Hiken
May 2, 2012

President Obama appeared at an unexpected press conference in Afghanistan earlier today, surrounded by 26,000 U.S. military troops in uniform, 6300 civilian mercenaries (“private contractors”) and an undisclosed number of Special Forces Assassins. While he wanted to assure the American people that the puppet government of Afghanistan was securely in control of the country as a result of our unique success in the 10-year war there, he didn’t want the American people to worry that he might be in any danger.

Calling the audience “my brothers and sisters,” he praised the troops for their courage, patriotism, and endurance in fighting the endless battle in Afghanistan, a nation with no air force, navy, or organized military. He pointed out what brave warriors this generation of Americans had turned out to be.

Seven of the members of the audience expressed some concern when Obama announced that he might carry out a series of midnight drone attacks on Paris, France, within the week, because of a series of concerns that had been brought to his attention. Several unnamed members of his National Security Legal Staff had informed him that a known socialist might actually win the upcoming French election. In addition, French authorities had announced that their NATO forces were threatening to withdraw from several of the war zones that Obama had in mind for them.

But the straw that broke the camel’s back was a report from Homeland Security that three known terrorists had slipped into Paris sometime during the previous four months. Secretary of Defense, Leon Panetta and Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton, both strongly urged his quick response to these threats, and expressed their total support for the proposed action. Clinton pointed out that at her urging, his Cabinet was 100% behind the President.

“National Security” was the explanation given for the proposed bombing of Paris, and no further clarification was needed in light of that rationale. Department of Justice head, Eric Holder, reiterated that the President has the authority to bomb large cities regardless of public opinion, given that President Bush was allowed to level Fallujah during the Iraq War, and Obama already had received authority to destroy any city in Pakistan or Afghanistan, according to his mood at the time. Congress had shown that they were unwilling to prevent the bombing or destruction of any place on earth, other than the hidden locations of their family vacation homes on tropical islands throughout the globe.

Extrapolating from the legal memos produced by Professor Adolph Yoo, at Berkeley, and Justice Benito Bybee, appointed as a Federal Judge to the Court of Appeals, the President explained that since the torture of individuals had been approved by the Supreme Court and Congress, destroying entire cities was clearly authorized as well. The Federal Courts had consistently supported the use of extraterritorial extraditions (“renditions” in Pentagon parlance), for purposes of torturing enemies of the U.S. abroad, and had thereby given the green light for Obama to use whatever force was deemed in the national interest against any other terrorists worldwide.

The seven military personnel who balked at the announcement were immediately discharged from the service without benefits, and told that if they publicly discussed their reasons for questioning the President’s decision to destroy Paris, they would be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. Bradley Manning was used as an example of what they would have in store, if they so much as uttered a word about the propriety of the destruction of the French capital.

One of the embedded reporters at the news conference expressed some concern regarding the destruction of monuments such as the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, the Jeu de Paume, and some of the other well-known tourist destinations of Paris, but Obama assured the reporter that the action was necessary, if “Americans are to rid the world of terrorism.” He also hinted that the use of technologically advanced concussion bombs, which would kill all living creatures in the Paris area, might leave standing some of the buildings Americans had grown to love. With that assurance, 96% of the American people responded by signing petitions to “support our troops,” and promised to vote either Republican or Democratic in the upcoming election. Since both political parties had the same foreign policies, nobody in government was left to oppose the President.


Marti Hiken is the director of Progressive Avenues. She is the former Associate Director of the Institute for Public Accuracy and former chair of the National Lawyers Guild Military Law Task Force.

Luke Hiken is an attorney who has engaged in the practice of criminal, military, immigration, and appellate law.

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