Lyndon Hood: The One True Submission On The GCSB Bills
The One True Submission On The GCSB BillsSatire by Lyndon Hood
1. The following is my oral submission on the GCSB and Related Legislation Amendment Bill and Telecommunications Interception Capability and Security Bill.
2. It would be my written submission but they will NOT LET ME HAVE A PEN which is COMPLETELY UNFAIR as it was just that one time and I am feeling much better now.
3. They also will not let me out for the committee hearing but I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!
4. I am currently employed as a legal advisor to various state security agencies.
5. I noticed none of the agencies this bill refers to were submitting, so I thought I would have a go!!
6. These opinions are entirely my own.
7. To make sure these opinions are entirely my own I am wearing MY SPECIAL HAT.
8. I live in the basement of an office building on Aitken Street. They tell me I am safe here.
9. I am the guy who was in charge of INTERPRETING THE LAW to decide whether or not it was legal for the GCSB to spy on New Zealanders.
10. Previous relevant work also includes INTERPRETING THE LAW to decide whether it was legal for police to put video cameras on people's land without their permission (which was TOTALLY LEGAL) and also negotiating a peace treaty between the New Zealand Crown and the Gnome People Who Live Under My Bunk.
11. I support these bills.
12. So it's not just that one guy. There is also me!!!
THE LEGAL STATUS QUO
13. Sometimes legislation talks to me.
14. Section 14 of the GCSB Act (2003) states:
Interceptions not to target domestic communications
Neither the Director, nor an employee of the Bureau, nor a person acting on behalf of the Bureau may authorise or take any action for the purpose of intercepting the communications of a person (not being a foreign organisation or a foreign person) who is a New Zealand citizen or a permanent resident.
15. This law is CONFUSING!!!
16. It is CONFUSING because it seems to say it is NOT LEGAL for the GCSB to do something that it actually WOULD LIKE TO DO!!!!
17. ORDINARY MORTALS might think that it means the GCSB is never allowed to spy on New Zealanders.
18. But that is just the SURFACE MEANING!!!
19. I am the keeper of a HIDDEN MEANING of the GCSB Act (2003).
20. The reading of hidden meaning was rediscovered and perfected in EGYPT by the KNIGHTS TEMPLAR.
21. I like to tape acts of parliament the WALL and HIT MY HEAD AGAINST THEM and then have a little SLEEP.
22. ONLY THEN did the GCSB Act (2003) come to me in a dream and tell me its HIDDEN MEANING.
23. The HIDDEN MEANING is the GCSB is SOMETIMES ALLOWED to spy on New Zealanders.
24. So anyone who claims this bill is giving the spies extra powers for breaking the law, well they were not breaking the law they were COMPLYING WITH THE LAW'S HIDDEN MEANING.
25. These SOMETIMES ALLOWED cases include when the GCSB is assisting another agency that IS allowed to spy on New Zealanders.
26. All of us here genuinely think that is ARGUABLY LEGAL!!!!!
27. As long as you have to actually argue it, legally.
28. But that DOESN'T COUNT anyway because as the Urewera Video case show the courts CLEARLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT INTERPRETING THE LAW.
29. And unless it's KIM DOTCOM, which we admitted WAS NOT LEGAL.
30. And also ignore that bit in the Dotcom affidavits where the GCSB tells the police they know they are NOT ALLOWED to spy on New Zealanders.
31. That was PROBABLY SOME KIND OF MISTAKE.
32. But it MADE ME ANGRY and now they will NOT LET ME HAVE A PEN!!!!!!
33. Also, intercepting METADATA is not the same as intercepting COMMUNICATIONS.
34. METADATA is like COMMUNICATIONS, except it only includes WHO you are talking to, WHEN you said it, WHERE you said it, and sometimes WHAT you were talking about.
35. Like looking at people's EMAIL LOGS.
36. That's NOT THE SAME as being spied on AT ALL!!!!!!!
37. Just ask Peter Dunne!!!!!!!!
38. The GCSB doing that is ARGUABLY LEGAL.
39. I even READ THE HANSARD from 2003 and they all said sentences that meant the GCSB was not allowed to spy on New Zealanders but during his speech Keith Locke turned to me and said "NIGEL ONLY YOU ARE WISE ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS ARGUABLY LEGAL!!!!!!!!"
40. It's like a CODE only I can READ.
41. The GCSB UNDERSTANDS about CODES!!!!!!!
42. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my superiors and members of the security agencies for accepting my interpretation of laws NO MATTER HOW CONVENIENT IT IS FOR THEM to do so.
THE PROPOSED LEGISLATION
43. The bills before the Committee are a CLARIFICATION of the currently law.
44. It will make the law so clear that the LIGHT OF TRUTH will shine through it with the POWER OF ONE THOUSAND SUNS.
45. And LIKE THE SUN'S SOLAR ENERGY is transformed by human effort to sustain life in manifold ways, I will be able to make ANYTHING I WANT of the proposed bill.
47. These bills must be passed URGENTLY because thinking about things clouds the mind to HIDDEN MEANINGS.
48. Anyone who says it is not URGENT or wondering what the reason is we need to pass the bills AT ALL will not be saying that WHEN ALL THEIR CHILDREN ARE NIBBLED TO DEATH BY THE GNOMES!!!!!!!
49. International examples such as the NSA building a gigantic data centre in the Arizona desert and the Metropolitan Police spying on police corruption critics suggest TRUST US EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE!!!!!
50. And just quietly, the new law might actually make the NSA and GCHQ and everyone A BIT JEALOUS!!!!!!!!
51. I have no amendments to suggest.
52. What words you write does not matter.
53. The HIDDEN MEANING matters!!!!!!!!!!
54. I INVITE THE COMMITTEE to take a few moments to IMAGINE WHAT SOMEONE LIKE ME WILL BE ABLE TO COME UP WITH from a law that ACTUALLY SAYS we are allowed to spy on New Zealanders and gives a LIST OF EXCUSES we can use for doing so!!!!!!!!!!
56. I am looking forward to INTERPRETING the new GCSB legislation. I am sure the new law and I will be VERY GOOD FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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