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Eurovision 2024: Make Colonialism Cool Again

By Kwintesencjax - Own work, CC0 (courtesy: wikimedia)

Ordinarily, Eurovision is a woke nightmare, a non-binary kaleidoscope of garish outfits, glitter showers, and they/them pronouns, but steps were taken to rectify the situation this year when organisers did their utmost to Make Colonialism Cool Again. It was hoped attendees of the world’s biggest gay club would see the bigger picture and cheer for what really matters - the clearing out of natives in Gaza to make way for European colonisers. It was hoped yelling “Hamas would throw you off a roof!” would win them over.

In order to ensure attendees and participants were compliant with the MCCA project, booing Israel was made a hate crime, and it was clarified that refusing to vote for Israel would be considered an act of terrorism. You would think Israel’s victory was a shoe-in, but things went about as well as 12 IDF soldiers encountering a wasp’s nest in Gaza and fleeing to hospital to have their stings treated. Sadly, it was not that funny though.

The competition began with the song “United by Music “ to show that European colonisers were united with their middle-eastern outpost which was the only non-European country allowed in the competition. Scandalously, someone fucked up and let in a bunch of people who weren’t down with mass graves and felt hospitals didn’t count as legitimate military targets.

By Junafani - Own work, CC BY 4.0 (courtesy: wikimedia)
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Things got worse when Eurovision was forced to kick out the Dutch act Joost Klein for inappropriate behaviour after he got mad when a camerawoman refused to stop filming him. This behaviour was unacceptable to Eurovision in a way that killing 15,000 children isn’t.

Defenders of Israel (an AI program that spams the comments of Twitter posts) pointed out that Eden Golan has never killed any children herself. Strangely, they did not campaign to get Russia reinstated to Eurovision though. Thankfully, the bots clarified that Palestinians don’t have children, they simply give birth to small non-human adults. You can therefore tell the armchair legal experts out there it was correct to let Israel compete but not Russia.

Unfortunately, the spokespeople of Norway and Finland did not see things that way and refused to announce Israel’s score because they have “principles”. During rehearsals, the Finnish presenter even tried to award Israel’s points to the Hamas stronghold of Ireland. You will be pleased to know she has been jailed to safeguard democracy.

Ireland’s act disgusted the civilised world when they tried to wear unauthorised nail varnish and face paint. The Hamas-backed Bambie Thug has been added to the terrorist watch list after Eurovision organisers accused the singer of not supporting them over a row with Israel. Obviously, it’s unacceptable for acts in a non-political contest like Eurovision to refuse to side with Israel. I, for one, am glad the organisers have handled the row in such an impartial manner.

Apartheid representative Eden Golan (who was named after the Heights that Israel stole from Syria) waved her Israeli flag during the contest, but Palestinian flags were banned, and a singer of Palestinian descent was not allowed to wear a keffiyeh on his wrist because that would have been “political”. Letting an Israeli walk out to the lyrics “I Don’t Care” from Iconopop during a genocide and then playing fake cheers over the boos as she sang about October 7th was politically neutral, because neutrality is supposed to favour the oppressor, never the oppressed! 

Despite the deafening boos, Israel finished fifth because many countries realised it was safer to vote for Eden Golan Heights than risk the wrath of the Gospel AI targeting system. 

This was a sensible move. Demonstrations outside the venue and chants of “Free Palestine” had sparked fears Israel might be tempted to bomb Malmo, but Israel instead designated it a “safe zone” which reassured no one. Thankfully, Israel showed restraint and sent its bombs to the Jabalia refugee camp instead.

The biggest tragedy of the night was the null points for the UK after Olly Alexander’s performance was sabotaged by technical issues (it’s unclear if the saboteur forgot to do the same for Israel or was caught in the act). Alexander must now return home to explain to his former fans why he ignored their calls to boycott the competition. It looks like he sold his soul only to ruin his singing career. What a crying shame x

Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed this outstanding piece of journalism as much as I did, you can support my work here:

By Laura Kuenssberg beyond parody | @LKTranslator

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