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An Onion Parody - Yacht Racing: A Sport For All

A Scoop Parody - NEWPORT, Rhode Island: Some rich guy came in first Monday in that big famous yacht race held every year at the Newport Yacht Club, a big, fancy yacht place with "a whole lot of really expensive-looking boats and shit," sources reported.


Above: The rich guy who defeated an estimated 75 other rich guys in Monday's regatta.

"There were a whole bunch of boats out there on the water, with all these rich guys running around on them, moving ropes from here to there and switching sails around to, you know, try to make the boats go faster, I guess," said 61-year-old Newport-area dockworker Bill Duigan, who witnessed the rich guy's stunning 11th-hour victory from more than three miles away while hosing bird shit off a pier. "I couldn't see what was going on too well, on account of they were way the hell out there on the water, but from where I stood, I guess I'd have to say it looked like that one with the blue sails was movin' at a pretty good clip. I heard he was the one that won."

Duigan was then yelled at to quit talking and get back to work.

The victory marks the approximately 87,000th consecutive yacht race to be won by a rich guy since competitive yachting began, oh, probably a hell of a long time ago, sources figured.

"It is with great [something] that I hereby present this noble [something something] to a great competitor, gentleman and sailor, Mr. [something]," valet-parking attendant Larry Wynorski heard some yacht-club president or someone say during the gala awards dinner that followed the prestigious event, overhearing snatches of the speech from his spot in the parking lot outside the building.

"This must be a really big honor for the guy who won, whoever he is," Wynorski said. "They really went all out for him. I got a buddy Pete works in food service says the boss had 'em haulin' load after load of lobster and caviar and champagne in and out of there all night long. Matter of fact, he didn't even get off work until well after midnight, and the kitchen staff is usually on their way home by 10, 10:30 at the latest."

"It must've been one hell of a shindig," Wynorski added.

The yacht race--which, according to these two guys Stan and John in charge of lugging cables around, is one of the biggest deals of the year for the club--attracts "shitloads" of participants from "hell, all over the world."

"There was even this one guy who came all the way from, I don't know, China or Japan or somewhere like that, just to race his yacht," said limo driver William Mimms. "I'm not exactly sure where he was from, actually, since I didn't really talk to him all that much, because he kept the partition up the whole time."

"Still, you wouldn't think he'd come all that way unless it was pretty important," Mimms added. "This race was a real big deal, I'm telling you."

Other low-income laborers agreed. "You bet it was an important goddamn race," said marina worker Sam Tosch, who, along with his brother-in-law Bud, has a little boat he sometimes takes out fishing a bit, here and there, if he can get a weekend off, but, you know, nothing like this. "Believe me, these fellas, they take their boating real serious. I remember this one time, I was scraping barnacles off this one rich guy's hull, and he starts screaming at me, 'Be careful, you idiot! Don't you know that boat cost more than you'll earn in your whole life?' So, you can see how important it all is."

According to witnesses who observed him walking down a pier on his way to the awards banquet, the rich guy who won was "snappy-looking," wearing a fancy sailor's cap and some sort of big, lambs-wool sweater from the Hebrides. They also noted that the man was tall and well-tanned, and had a beautiful lady on his arm--in addition to being, of course, rich.

In recognition of his victory in the extremely prestigious competition, the rich guy received what sources within 50 feet or so described as "a big, fancy metal cup," which he held aloft while a bunch of other rich guys carried him around on their shoulders, clapping and cheering.

In addition to the big cup, the rich guy also apparently received, like, a ton of money, making him even richer.

Race officials could not be reached for comment on the rich guy's win, as they were cordoned off inside a special V.I.P. hospitality tent where nobody else was allowed. Club trustee Thurston Winthrop Wellington III, of the Hyannisport Wellingtons, did offer one remark, however, telling 19-year-old waitress Carrie Kallenbach to "move along but quickly, girl, if you like this job."

The victorious rich guy joins a long list of rich guys who have won sporting events this year. Among the other sports in which rich guys have excelled are "boat-rowing," "that crazy-looking horse/hockey thing," and "this one other golfy sport where you take this weird wooden hammer and, like, have to hit these striped balls through little metal things that are stuck in the grass."

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