Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search

 

Lyndon Hood: Not The Sharpest Tool In The Box

Not The Sharpest Tool In The Box


Satire By Lyndon Hood

To: support@national.org.nz
From: roger.kerr.@grandrightwingconspiracy.net
Subject: national party leadership
Date sent: Sat, 20 Aug 2005 03:45:29

Some time ago I purchased a new National Party Leader(TM).

At first it was barely rating as well as the one I upgraded from. Then I spoke to a friend about it and he suggested installing a race card - that worked a treat.

But there doesn't seem to be a manual, and I'm beginning to notice a few problems.

Firstly, the connection with the rest of the party seems to be loose. Sometimes he and the party seem to be operating without any interface whatsoever, and at other times he's controlling the party through the .public channel. That's a pretty kludgy way to operate.

Might I have got the wrong version? He was sold to me as a National Party Leader, so I assumed he was compatible.

And I suspect the "Getting Elected" extension is causing a wetware conflict with his basic programming. That would explain why he keeps making that noise - sort of like an old floppy disk drive malfunctioning - at the start of his sentences.

Is this what's throwing off his calibration? He worked fine in the shop, and looked like just the tool I needed. But now that I've actually installed him he seems to keep drifting towards the centre.

Now, it's not that I mind this - the punters obviously like it. But what will happen when he gets elected and we turn off all the add- ons?

Will he work like he did originally or not? Nobody seems to be able to answer this question and it's rather important.

I mean, we can still make him cut the corporate tax rate and sell assets and so on, right? Can you suggest a suitable excuse for this, or do we need to manufacture one specially?

I don't see why he shouldn't revert once we reboot him a few times. It is part of his core programming, after all. But in the unlikely event he stays in this unnatural state you will definitely hear from me again.

And another thing: he lays out the general policies nicely, but whenever a guest user tries to access the details, they almost always get a "Hold Enquiry After Election" error, and I suspect that's costing us business.

As a matter of fact, the race card's almost the only bit that still works, and that was our idea.

I look forward to a satisfactory resolution of these issues.

-

Roger Kerr
Sith Lord, Grand Right Wing Conspiracy

"I am favor of cutting taxes under any circumstances and for any excuse, for any reason, whenever it's possible." - Milton Friedman

*********

To: complaints@national.org.nz
From: roger.kerr.@grandrightwingconspiracy.net
Subject: Re: Fwd: national party leadership
Date: Mon, 22 Aug 2005 12:45:29

What do you mean not covered by the Consumer Guarantees Act?

Look, I threatened not to pay a lot of money for this. I think I'm entitled to a leader that actually does what I want him to.

My decision to make this very expensive purchase was based entirely on his past performance.

If he's not going to live up to that or, worse, if it isn't capable of getting elected at all, then giving me my money back will be the least of your problems. Apart from anything else, I already owned a perfectly good party, and it's taken a lot of incidental damage over this.

Legal obligations be damned. You'll fix this and you'll like it, sonny. There are plenty of Roundtable flunkies who would be happy to take your job, so shape up.

-

Roger Kerr
Sith Lord, Grand Right Wing Conspiracy

"A building has integrity just like a man. And just as seldom." - Ayn Rand

*************

homepages.ihug.co.nz/~lghood
fightingtalk.blogspot.com

© Scoop Media

 
 
 
Top Scoops Headlines

 

Using Scoop Professionally? Introducing ScoopPro

ScoopPro is a new offering aimed at ensuring professional users get the most out of Scoop and support us to continue improving it so that Scoop continues to exist as a public service for all New Zealanders. More>>

Don Rennie: Is It Time To Take ACC Back To First Principles?

The word “investing” has played a major part in the operations of the ACC since 1998... More>>

27-29 Sept: Social Enterprise World Forum Live Blog

1600+ delegates from more than 45 countries have came together to share wisdom, build networks and discuss how to create a more sustainable future using social enterprise as a vehicle. Attending the Forum were social enterprise practitioners, social entrepreneurs, policy makers, community leaders, investors, activists, academics and more from across the globe... More>>

HiveMind Report: A Universal Basic Income For Aotearoa NZ

Results from this HiveMind suggests that an overwhelming majority of Kiwis believe that due to changing circumstances and inefficiencies in the current system, we need a better system to take care of welfare of struggling members in our society. More>>

ALSO:

Scoop Hivemind: Medical Cannabis - Co-Creating A Policy For Aotearoa

Welcome to the fourth and final HiveMind for Scoop’s Opening the Election campaign for 2017. This HiveMind explores the question: what would a fair, humane and safe Medical Cannabis policy look like for Aotearoa, NZ in 2018? More>>

ALSO: