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Kiwi Herald Digest: Sports Day and Blogging Brash

Kiwi Herald Digest: Sport Weirdness and Blogging Brash

Ground-breaking stories from the Kiwi Herald, award winning newspaper of the small but wonderful New Zealand community of Moenui. The town is the current holder of the Northern Region Best Kept Grass - or so says the website of the Kiwi Herald. These Carl Bernstein/Bob Woodward like reports are sadly too good to be true.

School Targets Gold Medal Haul
Strong Winds Move New York State Eastward
NZ Leaders Inspire Famous Bloggers

School Targets Gold Medal Haul

One child was hospitalised, another eight were treated for hyperythermia and some remain lost following a school sports day that is being hailed as "a brilliant success" by organisers. Moenui Area School held it's first sports day since recently deciding to abandon many traditional sports in favour of 'high performance' sports. Gone were tennis, softball, basketball, soccer and gymnastics. Instead a crowd of enthusiastic parents cheered the children through athletics, rowing, sailing, triathlon and cycling events.

One stand-out athletic performance came from Kevin 'Kong' Tupaea who put the shot through the Principal's office window during a warm-up throw. In another memorable moment school groundsman's dog 'Bounce' easily won the 43 metre high hurdles but was disqualified after she chased a passing javelin and accidentally tore down the official marquee.

In another dramatic turn three six year old's and a confused grandparent who set off on the run-leg of the triathlon have not been sighted since.

"To see those little fellas stagger off their bikes and head off so bravely onto the run would have brought tears to Hamish Carter's eyes," said Principal Hone Morris. "They are real champions of the future."

Meanwhile the rowing event failed to live up to pre-race hype when the two canoes, built from now disused gymnastic vaulting horses, sank without trace upon launching. The converted tennis racquets which were to be used as oars were tossed into the tide by disgusted competitors who described them as 'a complete waste of time.'

In the board sailing event high winds made for exciting racing and hyperthermia for seven students and the local coast-guard who was rescued by the eventual winner, 8 year old Babe Kendell.

In an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald the school's new Head of PE Nicholas Hill, dismissed misgivings expressed by parents about the new-look sports day. Hill who admits he does not play sport, came to the school from Fletcher Challenge where he was employed counting trees.

"I think it would have been hard for someone with a sporting background to do this job. Counting trees gives you an ability to see the bigger picture," said Hill.

"Sport can no longer be about fun and games. In the global world it is about money and national pride so we aren't prepared to put our time and money into mediocrity anymore. We are doing away with the sports that don't bring participants big bucks or Women's Weekly cover stories.

Hamish Carter, Sarah Ulmer, and that big fat Polynesian chick who throws that steel ball- these are the role models for our future sporting heroes. We are aiming for our students to bring home 6 golds from the Olympics in 2012 and about 20 from the Commonwealth's in 2014."


Strong Winds Move New York State Eastward

Strong Winds Move New York State Eastward Part of New York State moved 30 metres eastward yesterday causing flags to be lowered throughout the pannicked state.

Emergency Service officials who at first thought the state was suffering a nuclear attack realised that the several million stars and stripes which festoon the region were acting as sails in strong winds 'turning the state into a massive yacht heading towards Europe.' They immediately ordered that flags be lowered or cut free.

Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is visiting New York reported some days ago that patriotic flying of "Old Glory" had reached unprecedented levels.

"Flags are everywhere. Its like a Nuremberg rally. Some New York buildings have ten or fifteen of Stars and Stripes the size of Black Magic's mainsail flying from them."

Lush said that as a regular sailor the dangers of excessive flag flying were apparent to him immediately.

"Ever since 9/11 when the flag-flying craze really took off its been an accident waiting to happen. Any 12 year old 'P' class sailor could have seen that the entire Eastern sea-board was in danger in really high wind. So I wasn't surprised at all when the wind got up yesterday that the place started to move. It was just lucky that a fault line opened up along the Hudson and the state tacked 30 metres. I had visions of New York doing a massive capsize. No amount of bailing would have helped. We would have gone down like an Aussie challenger for the Auld Mug."

Lush predicted that after the scare fewer flags would be flown and the state would gradually drift back to its old position.

"The whole state is drifting leftward," said Lush. "Dubya and his lot are completely discredited here."


NZ Leaders Inspire Famous Bloggers

NZ National Party leader Don Brash’s foray into the blogospherehas had immediate reaction internationally with President Ahmadinejad of Iran beginning publication of his own blog.

Last week it was revealed that Dr Brash had taken to placing comments on the kiwiblog site. Today President Ahmadinejad divulged what many suspected in an exclusive interview with the Kiwi Herald: the New Zealand oppostion leader inspired the Iranian leader to reach out to the world through the web.

“Dr Don and I am in similar positions, surrounded on all sides by those who wish to present untuths about us through the media. The TV and the newspapers, they misquote us, they belittle us. When I heard that Doctor Don had begun to tell his truths directly to his people I thought 'Yes I can do this also. I will start my own newspaper.'

President Ahmadinejad said he had great admiration for the NZ Opposition leader who like him had the backing of important Imams.

Meanwhile rumours are circulating that other leaders are considering launching their own sites and seeking inspiration from New Zealand.

Peter Dunne is believed to be advising Pope Benedict on how to emulate his 'firm but caring shepherd' public image.

Pope Benedict XVI has already presented first blog drafts to confidants and is believed to have sought counsel from United Party leader Peter Dunne on how to maintain his 'supremely wise aura while at the same time appearing to be a the loving shepherd of the flock.'

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il is expected to begin blogging any day. The film buff who has a collection of some 20,000 video tapes will launch a film review site entitled Kim Flicks and is expected to begin his blog with a major essay on two of his favourite movies Friday The 13th and Rambo. Kim who is keen to build a North Korean film industry has sought advice from NZ PM Helen Clarke whom he admires greatly. Indeed there are rumours that his ambition is to direct and star in a movie with the NZ Prime Minister.

She will appear throughout in her famous red dress and the pair will ski, mountain climb and perform a series of heroic acts backed by a thousand voice revolutionary choir. The working title of the movie is "Popular, Competent and Utterly Peerless."

Meanwhile in entirely unrelated news our New York correspondent Frank Lush reports that a New Poll of US voters has found that following recent terrorist alerts support for the Republican Party’s handling of the 'war on terror' has risen in the past few days to 53 percent. A further 17 percent of Americans said they would prefer the policies served with extra cheese or with an upsized serving of fries on the side.


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