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Lyndon Hood: Field "Not A Crook", Says Field

Phillip Field "Not A Crook": Phillip Field*

Satire by Lyndon Hood

Taito Phillip
Richard Milhous Nixon Field

In response to a police investigation into his actions, embattled MP Taito Phillip Field has denied any criminality, stating that "[he is] not a crook".

Supporters of Mr Field have also come forward. "Taito Phillip Field has been investigated an entirely, completely and inarguably exonerated by this Ingram Report. These continuing allegations are clearly political," said Selio Solomon, Chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect the MP for Mangere.

As well as not being reappointed to a ministerial role following the report's findings, Field has also enlarged on his official apology, saying that he was "wrong in not acting more decisively and more forthrightly in dealing with these matters, particularly when it reached the stage of police proceedings and grew from a political scandal into a national tragedy."

While welcoming the police investigation, National Leader Don Brash has said that Field should resign "irrespective of whether he is proven to have actually done anything". He believes that other Parliamentarians, rather than the electorate, are the appropriate people to sit in judgment on MPs' behaviour. "Helen Clark should allow a Privileges Committee investigation of Mr Field's actions so that we can vote him off the island," said Dr Brash, "It would be sort of like an election, but with other MPs instead of the people of Mangere".

Failing that, Dr Brash would like a full Commission of Inquiry to be called into matters relating to non-criminal aspects of actions of an individual MP outside of any Government or Parliamentary roles he might have. Dr Brash described the precedent this would set as, "constitutionally desirable and not at all concerning. For example, all National Party MPs are entirely above reproach."

National MP Lockwood Smith said yesterday he has referred additional matters to the police. These are believed to relate to allegations that Mr Field organised the cover-up of a break-in to National Party campaign headquarters to install wiretaps and steal the leader's emails.

Field has also been accused of selling New Zealand missiles to Iran and diverting the money to illicit funding of South American insurgents, of having an affair with a call-girl with Soviet connections, and of stuffing a tennis ball into the mouth of an intern.

Taito Phillip
Richard Milhous Nixon Field

The profile of the affair was raised by the Sunday programme which, as well as summarising events to date, raised new allegations citing an anonymous "Deep Throat". National MP Bob Clarkson has denied any connection.

Another response has been the suggestion of a "code of conduct" for MPs. A leaked draft of a code proposed by the Labour caucus reads, "dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot".

Matters have come to a head with a police demand that Field release secretly-made audio recordings of conversations in his electorate office. It is understood that one "smoking gun" tape may lead to Field being prosecuted for smoking in a workplace. However the tapes may not prove conclusive, as fifteen minutes of a critical recording - immediately after Field is heard saying "Speaking of immigration visas..." - has been accidentally erased.

In recognition of the gravity of his situation, the Labour Party has sent Mr Field on holiday for the duration of the police investigation.


* We might point out that Taito Phillip Field may not actually have done everything he is accused of. But that in turn could lead us to admit that all the claims against him only have the status of allegations. Allegations with various degrees of support, but both denied and untested. So - best just to hang him.Top

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