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Lyndon Hood: Next Week In Politics

Next Week In Politics

Satire by Lyndon Hood

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25 September 2006

Don Brash MP
National Party Leader

Brash to Clark: "I Know You Are, But What Am I?"

Personal attacks have no place in politics according to National Party Leader Don Brash, and only a poo-brain like Helen Clark would resort to them.

"My response to Helen Clark is this," said Dr Brash, "'I know you're corrosive and cancerous, but what am I?'"

"This personal attack is merely a distraction from real issues, such the current corrupt Government and whether the evil meglomania of Labour MPs is a matter of genetic factors or environmental ones."

Dr Brash was particularly disappointed by Helen Clark's criticism of the Orewa speech on race relations, which called for all New Zealanders to be treated equally. In response to her claim that the speech was 'divisive', Dr Brash said, "You're divisive".

"Make no mistake," said Dr Brash, "While Helen Clark is glue, I am in fact rubber. So, it bounces off me and it sticks to her."

ENDS

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Rt Hon Helen Clark
Prime Minister of New Zealand

25 September 2006
Media Statement

Clark Clarifies Brash Comments

Following last week's comments regarding Don Brash, Prime Minister Helen Clark today clarified the statements.

"I said that Labour regards Doctor Brash as a corrosive and cancerous person within the New Zealand political system. I did not want in any way to imply that he eats through metal or is subject to a tragic disease.

"I think it's quite clear my meaning was that he was a political ogre who pollutes everything he touches. Other interpretations are clearly malicious."

"Anybody allocating blame for the current low tone of politics need look no further than the big smelly National leader. So there."

ENDS

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26 September 2006

Don Brash MP
National Party Leader

Brash Will Not Back Down

Despite allegations about his personal life having been pedalled by Labour (not in any way put into the media by National Party MPs) and personal attacks from Helen Clark, National Leader Don Brash has repeated that he will continue to hold the Labour Government to account.

"Labour has said they don't wish to be called corrupt. But it seems they have no better answer to that charge than to call me names. There have been complaints from many quarters about the low tone of political debate current, so Prime Minister Boogerhead needs to reign in her party of big nasty bullies."

Dr Brash then began pretending to cough while actually enunciating the word 'corrupt'.

"If corrupt Helen Clark and the corrupt Labour corrupt Government wish to be treated like corrupt reasonable people, they should behave like corrupt adults. Perhaps they could talk to the corrupt Speaker about it."

ENDS

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Rt Hon Helen Clark
Prime Minister of New Zealand

27 September 2006
Media Statement

MEDIA ADVISORY: Lost Toys - Assistance

Prime Minister Helen Clark requests the urgent assistance of media in the recovery of the toys thrown out of the Prime Ministerial cot last Wednesday morning, as the Prime Minister has now decided she wants them back.

Any media who saw where they toys went should contact the Prime Minister's office.

ENDS

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27 September 2006

Don Brash MP
National Party Leader

MEDIA ADVISORY: RELEASE WITHDRAWAL

Don Brash wishes to withdraw today's release titled "Clark Government Totally Gay", and emphasises that he meant stupid-gay and not gay-gay.

ENDS

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Rt Hon Helen Clark
Prime Minister of New Zealand

27 September 2006
Media Statement

Clark: "Ooo, Look At Me, I'm Don Brash"

Prime Minister Helen Clark today assumed a whiny nasal tone of voice and said the following:

"Ooo, look at me, I'm Don Brash. I don't have any personal integrity. I'm a big smelly. I like to invade Iraq. I'm going to be fired soon. I think spending Parliamentary funds like everyone has since 1999 is corrupt because I've got lots of money from the Exculsive Brethren. I've got no friends. Ooh, thank you Mr Exclusive Brethren, that is a lot of money, will you be my only friend?"

ENDS

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27 September 2006

Don Brash MP
National Party Leader

"Hullen Klark" Adopted As Official Spelling

National Party Leader Don Brash will from today deliberately mis-spell the Prime Minister's name.

"Hullen!" said Dr Brash, "Hullen Klark! Liarbour Leader K K Klark! Duh, Hullen!"

ENDS

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NZ Police CommCens Alert 15:05 28-09-2006 Wellington

Location of incident: Parliament

Incident Type: Disorderly Behaviour

Media Release

"Police Investigate Parliament Violence"

Reports of a violent incident in the foyer of Parliament have been referred to police for investigation.

Police are requesting public help in identifying the two politicians involved, who may display bitchslapping injuries. Witnesses to the incident also describe an exchange of "sort of flappy punching".

Media will be kept informed of any new developments.

ENDS

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