Rickards Exonerated

Assistant Police Commissioner Clint Rickards left court a free man last week, having been entirely exonerated of all the sex crimes with which he was charged.

With the innocent verdict in the trial, the operation of the law enforcement and justice systems has entirely cleansed all suspicions of the police force.

Rickards, whose name has now been completely cleared of all taint, said he was looking forward to getting back to his job and was pleased to be putting the dark chapter of his life behind him forever.

Prisoner-Father Story in SST Raises Question of Whether Prisoners Should Be Allowed in SST

Reports that a convicted rapist had fathered a child through artificial insemination has raised once again the question of whether this sort of thing would even be an issue if the Sunday Star Times didn't get all excited about it.

Prime Minister Helen Clark expressed concern at the revelations.

She said that she accepted the widespread disapproval of "Ministers having to worry about tedious quasi-scandals on what's supposed to be a day off".

Corrections Minister Damien O'Connor said that scandals relating to conjugal prison visits "will not be published in the Sunday Star-Time during [his] term".

Evidence withheld from jury to prevent assumption of guilt causes entire nation to assume guilt

Controversy raged this week, following the revelation that, in series of recent high-profile trials, certain information, which has only indirect bearing on the charges but has since prejudiced the entire nation against the defendants, was withheld from the jury.

Commentators believe that the information, which has caused them to assume guilt without the need to refer to other evidence, would not have tainted the scrupulous fairmindedness of the jury.

Prime Minister Helen Clark expressed concern at the revelations.

Fewer column inches have been devoted to the way the accusations were supressed until they were twenty years old and virtually unprovable.

Burton Not at Fault in Burton Rampage: Burton

A report into the parole of Graeme Burton, written for Graeme Burton by Graeme Burton and published in the Dominion Post, has found that Graeme Burton was not at fault in the tragic failure of Graeme Burton's parole.

Last week reports on the Parole Board's and Corrections Department's actions found all procedures that would have made any difference were followed. Earlier, a Police report indicated the failure to formalise earlier accusations of criminal conduct against Burton was just fine, thanks.

In the latest report Burton describes how Burton - inadequately supervised and neglected by aid agencies - naturally and understandably fell prey to the inevitable consequences, amassing a huge weapons cache, going on a killing spree and so forth.

Prime Minister Helen Clark expressed concern at the revelations. In response to the perceived systemic failure, the Government has proposed that, rather than using powers clarified by recent court rulings and extended by legislation already in train, the Parole Board should be allowed to consider made up, delusional, Chinese-whisper-based or otherwise unsubstantiated allegations. Improving parole supervision has not been specifically mentioned.

Speaking anonymously, another prison inmate several years into a life sentence expressed the hope that one day he, too, might shock the nation with a display of murderous violence and have his self-serving justifications spread over two pages of the Dominion Post.