Men Don’t Fear Feelings, They Fear Pity

Men are not afraid of emotion itself, or even vulnerability, but they are scared of the pity or loss of standing that the expression of emotion may invite from other men.

Glenn Conley, founder of Mindshiftr and a certified Rapid Transformational Therapist based in New Zealand, works with male clients who often feel safe expressing themselves only in private, structured environments.

“I believe men care more about what other men think than they do about what women think.

“A lot of men come to me because it’s private,” Conley says. “They can be vulnerable here because they know they won’t be judged.”

While much public discussion encourages men to speak openly about mental health, Conley observes that many still resist sharing openly outside of confidential settings. Their concern is not about appearing emotional but about being seen as incapable. This perception can lead to loss of credibility, professional withdrawal, or exclusion by peers.

Conley recalls one client who had been transparent during a relationship breakdown.

“He told me he’d never do it again. He felt that people pulled away, and he lost business.” The reaction was not discomfort with feelings, but a quiet withdrawal rooted in the discomfort others felt when seeing a man in distress.

This fear of pity is often underpinned by long-standing masculine ideals. “Men worry about being judged by their peers. There’s this internalised belief that showing vulnerability equals weakness,” Conley says.

Despite wider awareness around men’s mental health, reluctance to ask for help remains high. “Many don’t seek support until they’re overwhelmed or burnt out. And by that stage, the impact can be severe, including sleep issues, depression, anxiety, and relationship strain.”

Conley points out that these patterns are frequently reinforced through family expectations and social conditioning. “We grow up worrying about what the neighbours think. It’s deep and often invisible. But it can be unlearned.”

Three practical steps for breaking the fear of pity:

1. Redefine what strength looks like

Strength does not mean silence. Conley encourages men to see adaptability and self-awareness as modern markers of resilience. Sharing when overwhelmed is not weakness, but a recognition of human limits.

2. Be selective about your audience

Discretion matters. Not all environments are receptive to vulnerability. Men can build safer spaces with trusted peers, structured groups, or professionals where the risk of pity is low and support is genuine.

3. Challenge whether the fear is real

Many men assume they will be pitied or lose standing if they speak openly. Conley recommends testing that assumption in low-risk settings. “Often, the worst-case reaction they fear doesn’t happen,” he says.

Until men feel they can speak without risking pity, silence will continue to feel safer than honesty. Shifting this will require more than campaigns and awareness. It will depend on men quietly changing the way they listen to one another.

ABOUT

Mindshiftr helps people break free from limiting beliefs, emotional blocks, and subconscious patterns that keep them stuck. Founded by Glenn Conley, a certified Rapid Transformational Therapist and mindset coach based in New Zealand.

Mindshiftr offers practical, neuroscience-backed tools to support real and lasting change. With a focus on midlife transformation, Mindshiftr empowers clients to reframe their inner narrative, reconnect with purpose, and build a life aligned with who they truly are.

Whether through one-on-one sessions or the Breakthrough Programme, Mindshiftr creates space for clarity, healing, and growth—because it’s never too late to shift your mindset and reclaim your direction.

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