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Douglas O'Rourke: Dick'd


by Douglas O'Rourke

LOS ANGELES, February 9, 2004 ( -- We'll leave it to future historians to sort out the bizarre single term of the Cheney-Halliburton Administration (sometimes incorrectly called the 'Bush Presidency'), but here's what we've figured out so far....

While we were all distracted during the failed attempt by the Republicans who had cheated on their wives to impeach Bill Clinton for cheating on his, the broadcasting empire of Falwell, Robertson, Limbaugh, Murdoch, Satan and Partners apparently acquired the complete rights to Christianity, the Holy Bible, Jesus, morality, piety, nudity, some great Texas real estate, talk radio, the films of C.B. DeMille, Norman Rockwell's art, and most of broadcast journalism, including Geraldo Rivera.

About the same time, the Republican National Committee and all its people were quietly purchased by the Wall Street Enron Worldcom Tyco Energy Partnership, which in turn sold them to the Kissinger, Bechtel, Bohemian Grove, Major Polluters, Gaybasher, Strangelove Group, who merged them with their key financial unit Avarice, Greed, Sloth, and Nixon PLC, to form Neo-Con Evangelical Political Enterprises, Ltd, which in turn bought all the exclusive rights to patriotism, swaggering, the American Flag, the works of John Philip Sousa, large testicles, the phrase 'God Bless America,' and all patriotic country songs sung by rich guys in funny hats who never saw a war.

The Neo-Con folks then wisely made a midnight deal to buy the U.S. Supreme Court from Scalia, Thomas, NRA, and Renquist, Ltd. They then formed the offshore entity, American Justice Partners Ashcroft, Inc, and dedicated themselves to someday creating the best constitutional rulings money could buy. The whole thing was operated out of a second floor office in the Caymans for obvious tax reasons. To simplify things, they kept using the established Republican Party name and logo.

Enter Dick Cheney, who was then CEO of Halliburton. Realizing that Halliburton's dealings with the U.S. Government could be greatly enhanced if they owned it, he purchased the Republican Party et al, and made it a Halliburton subsidiary. He also wisely joined with the Carlyle Group to form Dubya Corp, which hired former President Bush's son, George.

In November 2000, Mr. Cheney and Halliburton got Mr. Bush's kid appointed to the U.S. Presidency, using their own Supreme Court to overcome the small detail that he lost the popular vote. Oil companies buy governments all the time, and in this hostile takeover they skillfully gained control and formed The United States of America, Inc., to be represented worldwide by Charles K. Ponzi Associates. Luckily, the Ponzi group already repped most of the current U.S. Senate and House members.

The Republicans got away with this because they had the very vocal popular support of the patriotic residents of the 'Ignorance Belt,' those states, counties, and precincts (mostly in the middle and the south) containing gentle folk who seem to believe owning a machine gun should be legal, but an abortion to save the life of a mother should not. They don't read the papers much, just like George W. Bush, a man they really like. Mr. Bush set to cutting taxes on the rich and services for the poor -- sort of Robin Hood in reverse.

Are you following all this?

In mid-2002, to get people's attention off those fat tax cuts and the growing scandals on Wall Street, the Cheney-Halliburton folks hired Rumsfeld, Rove, Card, Pearl, and Scooter Associates, d.b.a. Saddam WMD Group GmbH, and funded their bold "Operation Iraqi Freedom" war project, created by New American Century Partners.

Mr. Cheney figured he could make billions for Halliburton and all their associates via fat no-bid U.S. Government war contracts and a little slight of hand with the billing. America was to be reborn as a conservative Christian Empire fighting the 'good fight,' even if they had to start it themselves.

In March 2003, brilliantly citing urgent but secret WMD facts provided by the outsource intelligence firm of Clancy, Ryan, Bremer, Fubar, and Chalabi, Inc., they effected a very hostile takeover of Hussein & Sons Iraq, Ltd., an Islamic dictatorship, using the manpower of the Pentagon, a handy entity they picked up in the USA/Bush deal.

Their key man, Don Rumsfeld proudly said everything was going exactly according to plan and the missing Iraqi WMD would be found shortly. He's still saying that. He should know. Back in 1983 he reportedly helped them get the WMD in the first place.

Halliburton prepared to sell Iraqi sand back to the U.S. Army, at $22.50 a kilo. Unfortunately, the actual war didn't go exactly as planned, and over 500 American families have so far lost their kids, but 'Get Saddam' was a major hit for Fox News, which reportedly has ordered another surefire Cheney ratings winner, 'October Surprise,' to be set in either Iran or Korea this Fall.

Mr. Cheney and all of his friends who were already millionaires thus became even richer. The amazing thing is they did all this with money they borrowed from your great-grandchildren's kids. See what free enterprise can accomplish?

God Bless America! © 1999 Neo-Con Evangelical Political Enterprises, Ltd

Please note, if you were born after 1980, we should warn you that almost everything you just read is satire. The reality of what's happened to America under Cheney-Halliburton is a lot worse, and not very funny at all.

This last week was a good example of the power and limitations of the Neo-Cons.

Having talked us into America's first unilateral war, the real-life team of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, and Rice finally had to deal with the fact that all the things they said to get the country to go to war in Iraq were basically bullshit. About ten days ago, even most Americans who don't normally pay attention seemed to figure that out, too. The profitable second term of the Cheney-Halliburton Administration was at some risk.

The nervous Neo-Cons needed a quick diversion. Another invasion was out of the question, but then providence provided them with the exposed breast of Michael Jackson's sister, Janet, whose Super Bowl dance number ran into 'wardrobe problems.'

Suddenly, indignant conservative big hair club women were all over cable news, shocked, SHOCKED, that Janet Jackson had BREASTS! Oh, the humanity! Oh the immorality! Oh, the chance to take the public focus off the lies of war. The 'Morality Matrons' apparently thought Super Bowl TV spots for penis enhancement remedies and a beer commercial based on flaming horse flatulence were OK for family viewing, but a two second view of a breast was the Devil's work.

To assist the Administration, Fox News quickly played up this moral collapse of American culture -- mostly by running the breast shot over and over. CNN and MSNBC, not wanting to be found morally wanting, or left without viewers, took up the cry and ran the tape repeatedly, too. Last time this many boobs were exposed on TV was back when we met the cast of Iran-Contra.

Janet's nipple drove the bad war news right off the TV, and took on the force of a cultural tsunami. No less than Michael Powell, Chairman of the powerful Federal Communications Commission (and son of Colin), demanded a full investigation. Oh, the obscenity!

You want to talk obscene?

Some folks feel Michael Powell is just a bag man for the major media conglomerates. If he succeeds, a half-dozen white middle-aged Bush-friendly conservative billionaires will control almost all the news you see and hear. The 'Liberal Media' is a myth.

Obscene is an Administration that has turned its back on the environment, child poverty, education, the deficit, public health care, seniors, unemployment, and the flight of quality American jobs overseas.

Obscene is a timid George W. Bush going on 'Meet the Press' yesterday and still calling himself a 'War President,' amid doubts about his own Texas Air Guard service. It was a rare interview by the stealth leader and a far cry from the strutting ballsy action figure in full flight gear who landed on the carrier Abraham Lincoln last May 1st and in front of a White House-prepared 'Mission Accomplished' banner declared 'major' Iraq hostilities at a victorious end. Over four hundred more U.S. troops have died since. Mr. Bush's handlers later even tried to deny that banner was theirs. Mr. Bush's Iraq is a dangerous place, and more than 47 kids died in January alone. The whole mess is rushing toward a desperate June 30th U.S. bug out as L. Paul Bremer, III runs away and the Iraqis are left to fight among themselves.

Obscene is the Administration's forgotten war in Afghanistan, where over 100 U.S. kids have died in a fruitless chase for the real people behind 9/11. The country is in the hands of war lords but its Opium poppy crop is the best in years. Osama bin Laden and his people are safe along the Pakistani border as the Administration's 'Terror War' shifted to the imaginary Iraqi WMD. Mr. bin Laden's people will doubtless revisit our shores; they are nothing if not patient.

Obscene is our much-heralded 'Homeland Defense,' which is working so well that many airport screeners still aren't cleared, and the flow of illegal drugs and aliens into the U.S. is at pre-attack levels. Most of our bulk cargo still comes in unchecked. The two biggest lies are that 9/11 couldn't have been foreseen or stopped, and that further attacks are inevitable. The Administration tried to stop, then stonewalled the only independent 9/11 inquiry. Mr. Bush promised to bring 'integrity' to the White House. Perhaps it's hidden with the missing WMD and his National Guard paperwork.

Obscene is the Administration's denigration of the American family that encourages the creation of thousands of empty 'McJobs', free of benefits or future potential, and their unwillingness to prosecute corporate crooks who loot retirement funds. Do you think that smiling 72 year old guy who greets you at Wal-Mart saw this as his future when he was working hard toward a good pension back in the sixties? Mr. Bush's deficits will keep him working until he dies as Social Security for Baby Boomers goes belly up.

Obscene is this Administration's stand on 'individual rights.' If you're poor, you have the right to remain poor. If you're already rich, you have the right to get even richer and to incorporate offshore to avoid U.S. taxes. If you sell Arab oil, fake electronic religion, useless snake oil, overpriced drugs, worthless stock, defense systems nobody needs, or Chinese consumer crap made by exploited workers, then the Cheney-Halliburton people are your kind of people. By the way, Ken Lay still has your money.

It looks like over 500 American kids died in a war we never had to fight for WMD that wasn't there. A lot of people, including many of their parents, are starting to demand answers. Sure, Saddam had to go. He had to go back in the eighties when the Republicans sold him arms and allowed him WMD technology.

Let's assume Mr. Kerry, Mr. Edwards, and Mr. Clark are all honorable men. The question shouldn't be can they do as well. Could they possible do any worse?

The Republicans and their patrons will have to fight dirty this Fall and may even dump Mr. Cheney if they can find a more viable ticket. Greed is a solid motivator, when mixed with fear. What if this country ever got an honest government again? The Neo-Cons would be finished.

For now, they're using the classic defense of cheating husbands worldwide -- even when they know you're lying, keep lying. Deny. Deny. Deny!

Right now, the world measures us all by the low deeds of Dick Cheney and Halliburton.

If any of this bothers you, start organizing your friends for November 2nd. Even the Republicans can't stop a genuine popular voter revolution, but they'll surely try.


Douglas O'Rourke is a writer in California and can be reached via

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Commercial use or republication of this original material in any form without written permission is STRICTLY PROHIBITED. Individual Columns may be freely shared on a non-commercial basis as long as they are not altered and full attribution is included. Design and content are sole property of the copyright holder.

Posted: Monday February 9, 2004


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