Top Scoops

Book Reviews | Gordon Campbell | Scoop News | Wellington Scoop | Community Scoop | Search


Quiz: Advice on Collins Leadership or Indiana Jones Fan Fic?

Quiz: Advice for National on a Judith Collins Leadership Bid, or Quote from My Unpublished Indiana Jones Fan Fic?

First published on Werewolf

Senior National MP Judith Collins seems to have been taking her cues from certain prominent overseas authoritarian populists somehow associated with conservatism.

Perhaps most notably on Twitter, using her already rather charged account to personally attack some members of the public on false pretenses because they were politically inconvenient for her, having earlier unrepentantly retweeting conspiratorial reports from a notorious fake news website because it suited her agenda. All that from someone who has previously called no longer being innocent until you’re proven guilty "fantastic".

But much more recently she gave a speech at a Whanganui rest home. Judging by this report, Collins was pitching for the leadership of her party, while at the same time the ghost of Margaret Thatcher was struggling to regain control of Collins' body from the incoherent raging demon that animates Western ethno-nationalist protofascism*. I assume several of the rest home residents lapped it up.

She is, as they say of aspiring leaders and infected sores everywhere, running.

Inspired by that thought, here is a quiz.

the face melting
scene in raiders of the lost ark, but judith is there
looking cheerful

Some of the following quotes are my sincere advice to any members of the New Zealand National Party contemplating supporting Judith Collins for the leadership, with specific regard to the Abbott/Trump/Milosevic leadership model.

The others are from an Indiana Jones themed novella I've been tinkering with on and off since The Last Crusade, which was the final ever Indiana Jones film, came out in 1989. They are a selection of the lines spoken by various characters to the Nazi villian just before he says "What do you think I am? Weak?" and seizes the Black Orb.

Can YOU tell the difference?


1) "This is a terrible idea."

2) "Okay, but how about you do literally anything except that?"

3) "You hear voices that seek to entice you. But the promises are false."

4) "I mean, even in practical terms: are you quite sure it will actually work? Seems to have had, well, pretty mixed results for other people, yeah? Compared to other options?"

5) "This is no ordinary weapon. You cannot use it to gain power and then lay it aside like a fur cloak. Its aims are not yours. Once you begin, it will make you abandon everything you stand for except what serves it, and never release you. Is power more important to you than your soul?"

6) "No. Noooo. Nononononono."

7) "Maybe they buried this decades ago and swore never to speak of it again for a reason?"

8) "It belongs in a museum!"

9) "And if you triumph? It will not be satisfied with the suffering of your chosen enemies. It is only cruelty and it must always be fed lest it strike close to your own heart."

10) "You are literally going to be riding a tiger that is also a loose canon and a train crash."

11) "Isn't it the greatest personal responsibility not to unleash the wild burning fires of hate and fear into the minds of your people?"

12) "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be."

13) "Even if you have no honour, isn't it better to feign some?"

14) "So right now you're thinking, 'How bad can Evil possibly be?'. Turns out, very bad."

15) "Your greater good does not justify this. And this does not serve you greater good."

16) "You fool, do you want to destroy everything?"

17) "Or, hear me out, have you tried being nice?"


Check your results:
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17: Both.
8: From Raiders of the Lost Ark. But also both.
12: Actually that one is by Kurt Vonnegut. Still both.

Your score:
Between 0 and 12: Seriously though, please don't make Judith Collins the leader of a political party, not even as a joke.


* I don't believe I've ever said the before in my life, but I prefer Margaret Thatcher.

© Scoop Media

Top Scoops Headlines


Gordon Campbell: On Why The Supreme Court Is A Bigger Threat Than Trump To US Democracy

If you need a chilling reminder of how weirdly different the United States is to New Zealand…then abortion rights is the place to start. Last Friday, in a case called Hopkins vs Jegley , the 8th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the right of the ... More>>

The Conversation: Rogue Poll Or Not, All The Signs Point To A Tectonic Shift In New Zealand Politics

Richard Shaw AAP(various)/NZ Greens (CC-BY-SA)/The Conversation Strong team. More jobs. Better economy. So say the National Party’s campaign hoardings. Only thing is, last Sunday’s Newshub-Reid Research poll – which had support for the Labour ... More>>

Dunne Speaks: It's Time For Matariki Day

The period of Matariki, the celebration of the Māori New Year, which began earlier this week, is being celebrated increasingly as an important national event. While many other countries have their own form of New Year celebrations, Matariki is uniquely ... More>>

Gordon Campbell: On Why We Shouldn’t Be Pushed Into Re-Opening Our Borders

I believe in yesterday as much as Paul McCartney, but it was bemusing to see the amount of media attention lavished last week on the pandemic-related musings by former government science adviser Sir Peter Gluckman, former Prime Minister Helen Clark ... More>>

The Coronavirus Republic: Three Million Infections And Rising

The United States is famed for doing things, not to scale, but off it. Size is the be-all and end-all, and the coronavirus is now doing its bit to assure that the country remains unrivalled in the charts of infection . In time, other unfortunates may well ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Altars Of Hypocrisy: George Floyd, Protest And Black Face

Be wary what you protest about. The modern moral constabulary are out, and they are assisted by their Silicon Valley friends in the Social Media club. Should you dare take a stand on anything, especially in a dramatic way, you will be found out ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Welcome Deaths: Coronavirus And The Open Plan Office

For anybody familiar with that gruesome manifestation of the modern work place, namely the open plan office, the advent of coronavirus might be something of a relief. The prospects for infection in such spaces is simply too great. You are at risk from ... More>>

Binoy Kampmark: Why Thinking Makes It So: Donald Trump’s Obamagate Fixation

The “gate” suffix has been wearing thin since the break-in scandal that gave it its birth. Since Watergate, virtually anything dubious and suggestive, and much more besides, is suffixed. Which brings us to the issue of President Donald Trump’s ... More>>