19 November 2010

Thursday next week (25 November 2010) is White Ribbon Day – a campaign where men take action against men’s violence toward women. One of those men is David White from Matamata, father of a victim of family violence. Here, he writes with deep passion and personal insight, about the impact of family violence and the hard lessons learned.

Wealthy, White and Respected . . . but they beat their wives!

Our daughter was murdered by her husband last year. It was a disgusting end to her brutal marriage. All too common these days; so common, in fact, that domestic abuse cases don’t always make it into the media; so common that when you see a headline you won't bother reading the article. Your mind has already assumed the blame and occurrence lies with the inhabitants of South Auckland.

It doesn't happen in your area. It would never happen to someone you know. We are above that sort of thing.

My daughter proved us all wrong.

She became one of those women who don't escape the cruelty. One of those women who are murdered every five weeks in New Zealand.

And she was not from South Auckland.

She lived in comfortable Matamata, married to a multi-millionaire, she was well known and popular with everyone who knew her. Fully involved with horses, Pony Club and her children.

Her husband beat her, once dangerously so. As with all men who abuse women, he is a coward. They only hit their mates in the privacy of their homes, hidden from witnesses. They have no intention of being caught as they have too much to lose. They yearn public recognition as successful businessmen, they yearn to increase their wealth and, darkly, inside, they yearn to control their partners.

They do it by abusing them.

It has to stop. We have to stop it. It is only too easy to ignore what you see or are told.
As the White Ribbon and It’s Not OK campaigns remind us, violence is not OK, but it is ok to ask for or offer help.

The hardest part is confronting that man and saying “already it is too much.” To stand up and be counted. To approach such a man takes more bravery than his measure of cowardice to beat a woman.

But I believe it requires more of us than that.

I believe we must take action at every level of abuse against women. Let me give you an example.

There is a saying that is tossed around when sports teams travel away. It is, “What goes on tour, stays on tour”. Members of a local sports club almost live by it, as though it excuses their behaviour that they don't want known about at home. This sports club is large, it works hard at fostering junior teams. Those junior teams all know that catch cry. I drive a school bus and I hear ten-year-old boys saying, “What goes on, on the bus, stays on the bus”.

Then they behave in a way that would embarrass their parents. One boy bullied a girl, reducing her to tears at his taunting and racial remarks. I wrote a report on that event. It followed the channels required through the company office, and then to the school. A week later the boy gets on the bus with a letter to his parents from the headmaster, and proceeds to read it out to his class mates. The letter tells his parents that “he was disruptive on the bus and distracting the bus driver.”

Not a hint of bullying a girl. A completely sanitised non-event. He turned to me when he had finished reading it and said, “what happens on the bus, stays on the bus”. No recrimination, no remorse. “I got away with it. You can't touch me”.

All that happened was to encourage the sort of behaviour that grooms the next Greg Meads, the man who abused and finally murdered my daughter, Helen.

That is what I mean by taking action at every level. Never mind the fact that the boy is white from a wealthy farming family; never mind the fact that the family is a strong supporter of the school; never mind the fact that the chance to correct that behaviour has been lost. But remember the fact that his act was hidden, he has in fact been encouraged to continue in that manner by not applying some discipline.

And we wonder why the abuse of women is rampant.

You can help to end the silence by participating in the many White Ribbon Day activities around the 25 November as we raise our collective voices and search for solutions to end the violence.

David White.
Matamata.
November, 2010
For more information on White Ribbon visit www.whiteribbon.org.nz

ENDS

SEE FOLLOWING PAGES FOR KEY WHITE RIBBON AND FAMILY VIOLENCE FACTS AND MESSAGES

Key Messages of the White Ribbon Campaign

Violence towards women is unacceptable
It is ok to ask for or offer help
• No violence within families is tolerable. If someone within the family is being frightened or intimidated by the behaviour of someone else, it is not OK. Violence isn’t just the physical, it’s also emotional or verbal behaviour used to control someone through fear. Things we say, or don’t say, contribute to the abuse.

Men must stand up and provide leadership
• White Ribbon Day is the international day when people, particularly men, wear a white ribbon to show they won’t tolerate, condone or remain silent about violence against women.
• It originated as a men’s movement in Canada and is now part of the United Nations annual calendar (International Day for Elimination of Violence Against Women). The Families Commission took a leadership role in New Zealand in 2006.

Men are part of the solution
• Whether you are a father, brother, uncle, granddad or cousin – we all want to keep our families safe. We all want our children to grow up and have happy healthy relationships.
• By simply wearing a white ribbon you can make it clear to other men that you do not tolerate violence against women.
• You can also make sure your home, your business or your sports club is a safe environment where abusive behaviour is not tolerated.
• The White Ribbon Day campaign encourages men to talk openly about family violence, to support men who want to change their abusive behaviour and to challenge comments, statements and actions by men that are abusive.

Statistics in New Zealand:
• In New Zealand most violence towards women takes place in the home.
• In violence between couples, it is men’s violence that is most likely to cause serious physical or psychological harm.
• An average of 14 women a year are killed by their partners or ex partners.
• There are over 3500 convictions recorded against men each year for assaults on women.
• One in three women will experience partner violence at some point in their lives.

The Families Commission and White Ribbon Committee works with multiple agencies and NGOs to coordinate the national campaign. The White Ribbon campaign complements but is separate to the family violence It’s Not OK campaign.

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